"I could not bear the burden of living as a gay man of color in a world grown cold and hateful towards those of us who live and love differently than the so-called ’social mainstream"
Joseph's Jefferson's last entry on his Facebook page
On October 23rd Joseph took his life. When I heard the news it was like being hit with a tidal wave. How could it be as I just spoke to him two days ago on the phone and never once during the conversation did I even pick up the feeling that he was that unhappy. In fact it was the opposite, he sounded like he was in a good mood. But knowing about suicide, it makes sense as once someone makes that final decision they have a sense of euphoria as they know that soon their pain will be over.
Meeting Joseph for the first time, he was a new hire here at our agency. I have to admit I welcomed him at the agency but being that I was much older as he was in his twenties and I was in my forties, it was strictly a co-worker basis that involved little interaction. Looking back it brought up a issue that happens so often in the community, whether gay or straight. Instead of playing the role of elders we dismiss anyone younger than us. I wonder if things would have been different if myself or someone else took him under their wings.
But in time we did interact and always played jokes on each other. What I admired most about him was that he was an advocate for LGBT issues. He was outspoken which sometimes didn't sit well with some people but that shows he was making a difference as I believe when you make change you will meet resistance as people are used to that comfort. As they say if you're not making enemies you're not making change.
Suicide among young LGBT is rising and there's so many factors but I think Joseph said it best in his last entry of not being able to just be himself. Here in NYC I can not imagine what young people go through as there is so much machismo that exists on the streets. The thing here is to look hard or try to fit into that thug looking mode. If you're look anything outside of that cutout then you must be gay. Even for myself, if I dress nice or express myself differently through my dress than others on the subway give me that 'the look". But again being older I brush off the looks as I've been through to much to be let a stranger place their value on me. especially a person that once I exit that train I'll probably never see you again in my life. For a young person people may think they should have a thicker skin but it's really not that simple when it feels the world is after you.
You would also think with the many images and movies of gay people in the movies or on television as well as just the overall discussion of LGBT issues that it would be easier. Unfortunately there's a double edge sword to the exposure. Some youth may see themselves in a media program and feel affirmed and come out and then are hit with the rejection of family. I can't tell you how many young people I used to work with who were kicked out of the home because they were gay, and we're talking about being as young as 13. The other message young LGBT may get from media with LGBT characters in it is a question of why can't my life be like that? Why can't my father accept me for who I am like the character on the television show Glee who's father accepts his gay son.Why not me?
It's unfortunate but being gay and young sometimes the only way you're accepted is if you're the comedy act in the class. But after the laughter is gone you're left feeling like nothing. I speak from experience as I once tried to take my life when I was 19. I just felt that no one was there for me. What everyone saw was the laughing joking Aundaray. People thought I was the life of the party, but they didn't see or ask about the pain I was hiding under the laughter. Because of my sexuality I couldn't share how i really felt. I felt like I was living in a world that only accepted me on one level.As far as my suicide attempt God was really working that day because I got a phone call from a friend who had never called me before to say hello. Usually I was the one always doing the calling. But she did call and I told her what I did, which was swallow a bottle of pills and my life was saved. Was it a cry for attention? Yes. It was a cry that I'm tired of being what others want me to be. It was a cry that I wanted to be accepted for who I am. It was simply a cry. But I feel I went through it for a reason as I can share with others that the storm won't last for long and although the fight seems never ending you'll make it.
We have to start listening and accepting our children. Even if you have no child, the kids you pass on the street cussing and making noise, the kids who you pass by and don't acknowledge, they're your children. What they need is to be made visible. As adults rather than using your energy to shake your head in disgust to someone who expresses themselves as themselves remember use it to open your heart to acceptance.
Joseph you left us to soon but you'll be remembered and i hope that someone who's reading this reach to and ask for help or someone reading this check in with someone who you know is gay and really ask how they feel right now in life. Don't let them push you away with jokes. Really break down that wall and let them know that you're there for them.
"I could not bear the burden of living as a gay man of color in a world grown cold and hateful towards those of us who live and love differently than the so-called ’social mainstream’" as told by Joseph Jefferson as it bears repeating.
Stop the hate.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Coming Out
The one question people always ask me is when did I come out and what was my family reaction?
Coming out is a hard process because you're now adding another title to your identity. Especially if you're black and a man or even a woman, when you walk out in the world, you're labeled. Adding another level such as gay makes it harder if you don't feel you have the support and love of those around you.
When I came out it was actually my mother who outed me. It was after a Thanksgiving dinner and I was in my mid twenties. All my siblings had brought someone they were dating but as usual I was there alone. After the dinner she pulled me aside and asked me if there was something I wanted to tell her. From the way she asked the question I just knew she knew and I figured since she opened the door and also since I now lived on my own and the worse she could do was to tell me to leave, I was going to walk through that door and tell her the truth.
At that moment I told her I was gay. She let me know that she knew but was waiting for me to tell her. Now this is coming from a woman who told me at a young age that if any of her children turned out to be gay she would kill them. Now here she is telling me that it's okay with her. She did give me a piece of advice. She let me know that I can be gay as long as I didn't hit on her boyfriends. I saw her choice of boyfriends and she didn't have nothing to worry about in that area.
I always felt that she knew. It may just be me but I think your mother knows when their child is gay. Mothers just know their children. Looking back it may be why when I was younger she would tell me to stop resting my weight on my hips, or to not let my wrist be so loose. So I think she suspected. Mothers may not say nothing at the moment as they may think you're going through a phase and you'll grow out of it. Or they may feel you'll tell them when you're ready you'll tell them. They may wait until you have sex with a girl as having sex with a girl will kick it out your system or some even pray that God takes it out of you.
Letting her know I was gay was a relief because I didn't have to hide anymore. Yet it was a half empty acknowledgment because now that she knew I was gay I still couldn't really talk about it or it was subtly not encourage. It was my family own version of "Don"t ask, Don't tell." We know you're gay but we just don't want the details.
Coming out I learned is not just a one time experience. It's a gradual lifelong process as you're constantly coming out especially when you meet new people and form new relationships and depending on who they are you may choose to stay into the closet until you feel it's safe or just flat out let it be known. But there's also the feeling that straight people don't introduce themselves with their sexuality, so why should I have to introduce you with mine. Even right now with my comfort level of who I am I may occasionally not show my sexuality based on the environment I'm in as there may be a safety issue involved. Other than that I really don't care who knows.
I also feel that the coming out process is much different for a black person than one who is white. For a black person they can lose their family, their church and even their community. The difference for a white gay and a black gay is that a white gay can be embraced by the gay community as a black person doesn't get the full support from the gay white community which can be as racist as the straight community. As a gay black man I can go into a gay white bar or a gay white store and experience a level of racism based not on my sexuality but my race. For instance there's many stories of gay blacks being denied entry in gay white clubs in cities like the Castro section of San Fransisco or other areas such as Dallas and even here in New York City. In fact there's any suspicion that here in New York City a black person or person of color will be charge a different rate to get into a gay club. There are several organization looking to see if this is the case. They asked me to participate but I let them know that my dollar is the same color and I'm not going to fight to spend my money in a place that don't want me. I'm using the power of that dollar help someone who accepts me make a profit.
I have to say that coming out gives you freedom and regain control over your life. You no longer have to wear the masks of acceptance. You discover who your true friends are and embrace the people who really care about and accepts you. You don't realize how much energy it takes to audition for someones acceptance. Stop auditioning and know that acceptance starts with yourself.
I probably would have came out earlier if I felt I had the support but also it was hard because I didn't know anyone else who was gay that I could identify. The media is the harshest when it comes to the gay lifestyle. And if you're straight and you see a black gay person on the television, I guarantee you'll see the following examples. You'll see they flamboyant man who twist his head and snaps his fingers while wearing nail polish. Or you'll see the sexual man who never wears a shirt and is looked at not for his personality but the form of his body and the wonderment of how big his penis is. And we can't forget the men who are in a dress wearing high heels giving each other high fives as they "Hey Girl" each other. As a masculine black gay man I had a hard time finding someone who reflected me and who was out. But knowing I couldn't be a victim for long I had to ask myself why isn't there any people who reflect me? But in asking myself that question I also had to provide my own answer which was, because I was not putting myself out there.
It's a risk but life is a risk and adding the value of living a lie makes your life seem less than. I know that labels exist, but that's the way society is. Whether you're gay or straight or whatever, we always place people in a box or label them to decide whether we feel comfortable with them. It's what we do with those labels. For me I let people see me any way they want and they can try to put me in any box that they think I'll fit into but what I don't do is give them the power of me living my life the way I want to.
I am gay
I am black
I am a man
but most of all I identify as Aundaray.
Coming out is a hard process because you're now adding another title to your identity. Especially if you're black and a man or even a woman, when you walk out in the world, you're labeled. Adding another level such as gay makes it harder if you don't feel you have the support and love of those around you.
When I came out it was actually my mother who outed me. It was after a Thanksgiving dinner and I was in my mid twenties. All my siblings had brought someone they were dating but as usual I was there alone. After the dinner she pulled me aside and asked me if there was something I wanted to tell her. From the way she asked the question I just knew she knew and I figured since she opened the door and also since I now lived on my own and the worse she could do was to tell me to leave, I was going to walk through that door and tell her the truth.
At that moment I told her I was gay. She let me know that she knew but was waiting for me to tell her. Now this is coming from a woman who told me at a young age that if any of her children turned out to be gay she would kill them. Now here she is telling me that it's okay with her. She did give me a piece of advice. She let me know that I can be gay as long as I didn't hit on her boyfriends. I saw her choice of boyfriends and she didn't have nothing to worry about in that area.
I always felt that she knew. It may just be me but I think your mother knows when their child is gay. Mothers just know their children. Looking back it may be why when I was younger she would tell me to stop resting my weight on my hips, or to not let my wrist be so loose. So I think she suspected. Mothers may not say nothing at the moment as they may think you're going through a phase and you'll grow out of it. Or they may feel you'll tell them when you're ready you'll tell them. They may wait until you have sex with a girl as having sex with a girl will kick it out your system or some even pray that God takes it out of you.
Letting her know I was gay was a relief because I didn't have to hide anymore. Yet it was a half empty acknowledgment because now that she knew I was gay I still couldn't really talk about it or it was subtly not encourage. It was my family own version of "Don"t ask, Don't tell." We know you're gay but we just don't want the details.
Coming out I learned is not just a one time experience. It's a gradual lifelong process as you're constantly coming out especially when you meet new people and form new relationships and depending on who they are you may choose to stay into the closet until you feel it's safe or just flat out let it be known. But there's also the feeling that straight people don't introduce themselves with their sexuality, so why should I have to introduce you with mine. Even right now with my comfort level of who I am I may occasionally not show my sexuality based on the environment I'm in as there may be a safety issue involved. Other than that I really don't care who knows.
I also feel that the coming out process is much different for a black person than one who is white. For a black person they can lose their family, their church and even their community. The difference for a white gay and a black gay is that a white gay can be embraced by the gay community as a black person doesn't get the full support from the gay white community which can be as racist as the straight community. As a gay black man I can go into a gay white bar or a gay white store and experience a level of racism based not on my sexuality but my race. For instance there's many stories of gay blacks being denied entry in gay white clubs in cities like the Castro section of San Fransisco or other areas such as Dallas and even here in New York City. In fact there's any suspicion that here in New York City a black person or person of color will be charge a different rate to get into a gay club. There are several organization looking to see if this is the case. They asked me to participate but I let them know that my dollar is the same color and I'm not going to fight to spend my money in a place that don't want me. I'm using the power of that dollar help someone who accepts me make a profit.
I have to say that coming out gives you freedom and regain control over your life. You no longer have to wear the masks of acceptance. You discover who your true friends are and embrace the people who really care about and accepts you. You don't realize how much energy it takes to audition for someones acceptance. Stop auditioning and know that acceptance starts with yourself.
I probably would have came out earlier if I felt I had the support but also it was hard because I didn't know anyone else who was gay that I could identify. The media is the harshest when it comes to the gay lifestyle. And if you're straight and you see a black gay person on the television, I guarantee you'll see the following examples. You'll see they flamboyant man who twist his head and snaps his fingers while wearing nail polish. Or you'll see the sexual man who never wears a shirt and is looked at not for his personality but the form of his body and the wonderment of how big his penis is. And we can't forget the men who are in a dress wearing high heels giving each other high fives as they "Hey Girl" each other. As a masculine black gay man I had a hard time finding someone who reflected me and who was out. But knowing I couldn't be a victim for long I had to ask myself why isn't there any people who reflect me? But in asking myself that question I also had to provide my own answer which was, because I was not putting myself out there.
It's a risk but life is a risk and adding the value of living a lie makes your life seem less than. I know that labels exist, but that's the way society is. Whether you're gay or straight or whatever, we always place people in a box or label them to decide whether we feel comfortable with them. It's what we do with those labels. For me I let people see me any way they want and they can try to put me in any box that they think I'll fit into but what I don't do is give them the power of me living my life the way I want to.
I am gay
I am black
I am a man
but most of all I identify as Aundaray.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Dating Pink Elephants
I was at a point when I was young that I decided I was going to throw myself in the shark and parasite pool that we all know as, "The Dating Pool". I had reached a place where I had all my demons at bay and all the luggage I was carrying was in a large storage closet.
Now I'm showing my age when I say this but for you young uns' reading this there actually was a time when there was no such a thing called the 'internet'. Today whether you're looking to date or looking for a simple booty call, you just go to a particular website, create a profile and either order in or have it delivered.
Back during my time you had to get an alternative paper such as the Village Voice but in my city at the time it was a paper called City Times. In the back were the personal ads and each ad were grouped in section. So looking in the men for men section and because the ads didn't have pictures you're going by words and no pictures so you respond to whatever was written and resonates with you.
I saw an ad and responded to it. He seemed to describe himself as a fun person, likes to laugh and physical based on what he wrote it sounded all good. There's a lesson here, don't believe everything you read. Not knowing this I responded by letter and received a call from him the following week. He sounded nice and maybe he was the person he described himself. We decided to meet at a local restaurant. I didn't have any high hopes but who knows when it comes to the heart.
Day of the date and I get there early and I wait outside since it was a nice day. I see the city bus stop and off comes a man and he's walking toward the restaurant. Now at this point I'm staring and praying it's not him because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He was a tall and lanky white man and wore this kinda beard that didn't know if it really wanted to grow out as a full beard. He had long hair. Not Jesus Christ long hair, but hair where each strand looked as if they were trying to escape his scalp, entangling themselves in the process.
Now although I'm a fashionista now I wasn't back then but I'll start with his shirt. It was pink. A bright pink that I never knew existed. But of course he would wear a pink shirt to go with his pants that were covered with pink elephants all over. From belt buckle to the bottom of his pants. He was a walking Walt Disney Fantasia cartoon.
"Hey are you Aundaray. You look great"
I learned if you can't say nothing nice don't say nothing at all. Of course another Walt Disney reference from the movie Bambi, told to the rabbit Thumper.
It was hard to go in to the restaurant because I was not out and honestly how can I explain to strangers the pink elephants. Putting that aside I got over it and we sat down but thank good the restaurant had these huge long menus because I hid my face in it reading and rereading the dinner specials.
There's a difference between black folks and white. I don't care what anyone says. White people if they see something strange they look at you out of the corner of their eyes. Black people, we give you that full look with everything we want to say registered on our face. The ones who were staring at me had the, "What the Hell" look.
Now I don't want to sound shallow but the guy who was also HIV positive started to give me his whole health history. And we're not talking about using the inside voice. So if you were sitting around us you were hearing what i was hearing. Part of that history involved him recently getting an anal wart removed from his behind and this was the first time he could sit with out pain. He joyfully shared he was going to have the second one removed the following week and if i like I could come visit.
That was it for me, just like the diners immediately around us I was no longer hunger and I used my acting skills to feign sickness which I said was coming from my stomach and could we leave. For him it was no problem as he related his recent bout with diarrhea. Was this really happening or was I on Candid Camera?
Needless to say it was the last time I saw him but I will never see the movie Fantasia in the same way.
Since then I learned there's other people with pink elephants as dating is a hard thing and it takes awhile to find that person you can relate to and see yourself spending time with.
The heart knows what the heart want.
For me it was not pink elephants!!
Now I'm showing my age when I say this but for you young uns' reading this there actually was a time when there was no such a thing called the 'internet'. Today whether you're looking to date or looking for a simple booty call, you just go to a particular website, create a profile and either order in or have it delivered.
Back during my time you had to get an alternative paper such as the Village Voice but in my city at the time it was a paper called City Times. In the back were the personal ads and each ad were grouped in section. So looking in the men for men section and because the ads didn't have pictures you're going by words and no pictures so you respond to whatever was written and resonates with you.
I saw an ad and responded to it. He seemed to describe himself as a fun person, likes to laugh and physical based on what he wrote it sounded all good. There's a lesson here, don't believe everything you read. Not knowing this I responded by letter and received a call from him the following week. He sounded nice and maybe he was the person he described himself. We decided to meet at a local restaurant. I didn't have any high hopes but who knows when it comes to the heart.
Day of the date and I get there early and I wait outside since it was a nice day. I see the city bus stop and off comes a man and he's walking toward the restaurant. Now at this point I'm staring and praying it's not him because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He was a tall and lanky white man and wore this kinda beard that didn't know if it really wanted to grow out as a full beard. He had long hair. Not Jesus Christ long hair, but hair where each strand looked as if they were trying to escape his scalp, entangling themselves in the process.
Now although I'm a fashionista now I wasn't back then but I'll start with his shirt. It was pink. A bright pink that I never knew existed. But of course he would wear a pink shirt to go with his pants that were covered with pink elephants all over. From belt buckle to the bottom of his pants. He was a walking Walt Disney Fantasia cartoon.
"Hey are you Aundaray. You look great"
I learned if you can't say nothing nice don't say nothing at all. Of course another Walt Disney reference from the movie Bambi, told to the rabbit Thumper.
It was hard to go in to the restaurant because I was not out and honestly how can I explain to strangers the pink elephants. Putting that aside I got over it and we sat down but thank good the restaurant had these huge long menus because I hid my face in it reading and rereading the dinner specials.
There's a difference between black folks and white. I don't care what anyone says. White people if they see something strange they look at you out of the corner of their eyes. Black people, we give you that full look with everything we want to say registered on our face. The ones who were staring at me had the, "What the Hell" look.
Now I don't want to sound shallow but the guy who was also HIV positive started to give me his whole health history. And we're not talking about using the inside voice. So if you were sitting around us you were hearing what i was hearing. Part of that history involved him recently getting an anal wart removed from his behind and this was the first time he could sit with out pain. He joyfully shared he was going to have the second one removed the following week and if i like I could come visit.
That was it for me, just like the diners immediately around us I was no longer hunger and I used my acting skills to feign sickness which I said was coming from my stomach and could we leave. For him it was no problem as he related his recent bout with diarrhea. Was this really happening or was I on Candid Camera?
Needless to say it was the last time I saw him but I will never see the movie Fantasia in the same way.
Since then I learned there's other people with pink elephants as dating is a hard thing and it takes awhile to find that person you can relate to and see yourself spending time with.
The heart knows what the heart want.
For me it was not pink elephants!!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Anger
Up until now I've been sharing the rosy side of my life but it hasn't always been that way. There was a time in my life when I accepted that I was HIV positive I got ugly with anger. I was pissed. I was mad at everyone and most especially the world and I wanted to make sure you knew it.
Looking back I'm not proud of how I expressed my anger but you didn't want to be around me. Not back then. The list of my anger was long.
I was angry that I let someone infect me and that I didn't care enough about myself to protect myself.
I was angry that here I was in my twenties and the world was supposed to be open for me but instead I'm already thinking about death. I'm not supposed to be thinking of death so young.
I was angry because now in order to stay alive I had to swallow these damn pills, some as big as my thumb, some with food, some certain hours after eating food and some that when swallowed stayed stuck in my throat, refusing to go down as my body reacts by putting me through a spell of dry vomiting. And it was something I had to do everyday, morning and night. No break. It was hell and still sometimes it is hell to swallow up to 13 pills a day.
I was angry that I had to sit in the waiting room of an HIV clinic with strangers who had the bug, the only thing we had in common yet in my head I told myself, 'I don't have anything in common with you people'.
I was angry that no one could truly understand what I was going through. What my thought process was. And it seemed like when people did ask about me, it was always about my HIV and the typical question, "how do you feel?" Stop asking me that! Can't I cough like a regular person without you planning my funeral.
I was angry because I couldn't answer the question. "Why me?" What did I do that I got something that was now and forever going to be a part of my life.
I was angry at God. I was always a spiritual person but I felt he let me down and in response I gave him the silent treatment. I didn't want to call on him for anything.
When you carry that much hate it comes out sideways, no matter how much you walk around pretending that things are okay. Unlike the person I am today I was a nasty person. I gossiped. I lied on people. I abused my body by having numerous random sexual encounters with people who I didn't even bother to ask their names. I pushed people away from me. They were in the way of me building a wall around myself and I didn't want them to stop me.
Building walls around yourself.
It will help you from being hurt but it also keeps you isolated, trapped behind walls alone with nothing but your anger to keep you company.
I eventually learned that my anger was hurting no one but me. Here i was thinking that I'm doing something to others but they're not thinking about me, they're living their lives while I stew away in my pool of misery. It's like when a child throws a tantrum in the corner and you simply block out the noise, letting them cry their way through it. That's how it was for me.
It took awhile but I called a truce on the anger I was carrying. For years my anger was walking ahead of me and I eventually got it to follow me instead. It became a lesson I shared with others who have been through traumatic experiences. Let your anger follow you and don't let it lead you. But know you have a right to have your anger and it's yours, so don't let anyone take it from you.
The wonderful thing about God is that you can be spiteful, call out his name in disgust, turn your back on him, but he will always love you. I had so much anger but never thought to ask him to help take it away. You can't get something if you don't ask for it We all have to go through something to get somewhere and I'm proud to say that no more do I carry the burden of anger but have found my way back to love!!
Looking back I'm not proud of how I expressed my anger but you didn't want to be around me. Not back then. The list of my anger was long.
I was angry that I let someone infect me and that I didn't care enough about myself to protect myself.
I was angry that here I was in my twenties and the world was supposed to be open for me but instead I'm already thinking about death. I'm not supposed to be thinking of death so young.
I was angry because now in order to stay alive I had to swallow these damn pills, some as big as my thumb, some with food, some certain hours after eating food and some that when swallowed stayed stuck in my throat, refusing to go down as my body reacts by putting me through a spell of dry vomiting. And it was something I had to do everyday, morning and night. No break. It was hell and still sometimes it is hell to swallow up to 13 pills a day.
I was angry that I had to sit in the waiting room of an HIV clinic with strangers who had the bug, the only thing we had in common yet in my head I told myself, 'I don't have anything in common with you people'.
I was angry that no one could truly understand what I was going through. What my thought process was. And it seemed like when people did ask about me, it was always about my HIV and the typical question, "how do you feel?" Stop asking me that! Can't I cough like a regular person without you planning my funeral.
I was angry because I couldn't answer the question. "Why me?" What did I do that I got something that was now and forever going to be a part of my life.
I was angry at God. I was always a spiritual person but I felt he let me down and in response I gave him the silent treatment. I didn't want to call on him for anything.
When you carry that much hate it comes out sideways, no matter how much you walk around pretending that things are okay. Unlike the person I am today I was a nasty person. I gossiped. I lied on people. I abused my body by having numerous random sexual encounters with people who I didn't even bother to ask their names. I pushed people away from me. They were in the way of me building a wall around myself and I didn't want them to stop me.
Building walls around yourself.
It will help you from being hurt but it also keeps you isolated, trapped behind walls alone with nothing but your anger to keep you company.
I eventually learned that my anger was hurting no one but me. Here i was thinking that I'm doing something to others but they're not thinking about me, they're living their lives while I stew away in my pool of misery. It's like when a child throws a tantrum in the corner and you simply block out the noise, letting them cry their way through it. That's how it was for me.
It took awhile but I called a truce on the anger I was carrying. For years my anger was walking ahead of me and I eventually got it to follow me instead. It became a lesson I shared with others who have been through traumatic experiences. Let your anger follow you and don't let it lead you. But know you have a right to have your anger and it's yours, so don't let anyone take it from you.
The wonderful thing about God is that you can be spiteful, call out his name in disgust, turn your back on him, but he will always love you. I had so much anger but never thought to ask him to help take it away. You can't get something if you don't ask for it We all have to go through something to get somewhere and I'm proud to say that no more do I carry the burden of anger but have found my way back to love!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Turned backs
If you ask someone who's HIV positive and what their greatest fear is. I'm taking a gamble and I would say that someone learning about their status would be first and the second greatest fear is rejection. The fact that someone you know or trying to get to know turn their back on you because of who you are and what you carry inside of you is a hurtful experience.
Even in my forties rejection it is still a painful monster. You would think that I would have developed thick enough skin, but in most case I let it roll back down, but there's always those small gaps of glimmer when you let down your guard and share your true self and when you do you end up with a turned back.
Looking back I remember one of my early form of rejection. I was dating this guy and we were really into each other. I hadn't told him I was positive because I didn't know the right time. That's the tricky part about being positive is finding the right time to let someone know. Do you let them know on the first date when they may refuse to see you anymore and start putting your business on the street or do you wait until the second date when they may feel like you should have told you in the beginning which makes them see as someone deceitful and non-trustworthy. Back to the guy I was dating. At the time I chose not to tell him as we were not having sex but we did spend some fun times on dates like going to the movies, walking the town, talking about things in common. When I felt he wanted to go to the second level I took out my Boy Scout badge and thought I would do the right thing and let him know my status. Literally and I'm not exaggerating, he broke off the date for that night. which was cool as I just gave him some heavy news. I even gave him a couple of days to digest the news. When I didn't hear back I called him and the phone always went to voice mail. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt I stopped by his house when I knew he was home and the knocking of the door would go unanswered. He even went to the trouble of disconnecting his number.
It was hurtful and it made me not want to share my status with anyone. I thought I was doing the right thing. I say that so that people can understand why those who are positive don't readily share their staus. It's not because of a devious plot but it's the fear of being hurt. And when you're looking for a partner or want to develop a relationship it gets real tricky.
Everyone no matter who you are wants to be loved and find love. even animals find comfort in love. When you're positive it makes it more difficult because it's the finding that one person who will accept you for who you are. It's a hard balance. Even since I started this blog and have been honest with my status I have been de-friended on Facebook by some people and for those I have no hate or negative feelings toward. That's who they are and the place their in. But when it comes to falling in love and truly opening your heart to someone to build a future, you want to carry that same disregard but underneath it is a level of hurt you only share with yourself. In the public you're strong but behind closed doors, the true you emerges.
I think that's why I have some sympathy for those who get into relationships and don't share their status right away. I suppose for me the only thing I'm against is if you're getting into a relationship, especially an intimate one and not only sharing but also not being safe. But also when it comes to sex it takes two. If you're having sex with someone it's not just their responsibility of them telling you their status but you also have to ask yourself.
At my job I help design ads that speak against HIV stigma and the silence and this is the final product:
I hope those who are positive don't let the stigma stop them from finding love and that instead of turned backs they'll find open arms!
Even in my forties rejection it is still a painful monster. You would think that I would have developed thick enough skin, but in most case I let it roll back down, but there's always those small gaps of glimmer when you let down your guard and share your true self and when you do you end up with a turned back.
Looking back I remember one of my early form of rejection. I was dating this guy and we were really into each other. I hadn't told him I was positive because I didn't know the right time. That's the tricky part about being positive is finding the right time to let someone know. Do you let them know on the first date when they may refuse to see you anymore and start putting your business on the street or do you wait until the second date when they may feel like you should have told you in the beginning which makes them see as someone deceitful and non-trustworthy. Back to the guy I was dating. At the time I chose not to tell him as we were not having sex but we did spend some fun times on dates like going to the movies, walking the town, talking about things in common. When I felt he wanted to go to the second level I took out my Boy Scout badge and thought I would do the right thing and let him know my status. Literally and I'm not exaggerating, he broke off the date for that night. which was cool as I just gave him some heavy news. I even gave him a couple of days to digest the news. When I didn't hear back I called him and the phone always went to voice mail. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt I stopped by his house when I knew he was home and the knocking of the door would go unanswered. He even went to the trouble of disconnecting his number.
It was hurtful and it made me not want to share my status with anyone. I thought I was doing the right thing. I say that so that people can understand why those who are positive don't readily share their staus. It's not because of a devious plot but it's the fear of being hurt. And when you're looking for a partner or want to develop a relationship it gets real tricky.
Everyone no matter who you are wants to be loved and find love. even animals find comfort in love. When you're positive it makes it more difficult because it's the finding that one person who will accept you for who you are. It's a hard balance. Even since I started this blog and have been honest with my status I have been de-friended on Facebook by some people and for those I have no hate or negative feelings toward. That's who they are and the place their in. But when it comes to falling in love and truly opening your heart to someone to build a future, you want to carry that same disregard but underneath it is a level of hurt you only share with yourself. In the public you're strong but behind closed doors, the true you emerges.
I think that's why I have some sympathy for those who get into relationships and don't share their status right away. I suppose for me the only thing I'm against is if you're getting into a relationship, especially an intimate one and not only sharing but also not being safe. But also when it comes to sex it takes two. If you're having sex with someone it's not just their responsibility of them telling you their status but you also have to ask yourself.
At my job I help design ads that speak against HIV stigma and the silence and this is the final product:
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
You Got A Friend
I slowly knocked on her door which was unusual for me as usually when I showed up at her door I would give the door a rapid fire loud knock with a "Yo what's up it me" shout-out. But this time my knock was quiet. My best friend Tracy opened the door and although I tried to put on a happy face she could always read me and knew I was putting on a act.Since she had company she brought me in her room for privacy. We sat on the edge of her bed and then she put her arms around my shoulder. Up until that time I felt I like was all alone in the world and that simple contact she gave me opened up the floodgates of everything I was hiding. It was so so powerful because I didn't allow no one to touch me or hug me as i felt dirty. Even if it was the shaking of hands I didn't want human contact. It had been two years since I was told I was HIV positive and I never told anyone, not even myself. I was scared. I was scared no one would love me. I was scared of the rejection and I was scared of the secret I carried. And although me and Tracy had been good friends for many years, I was scared of what she would think because she was a rock to me in this crazy world.
With no melodrama I just told her I had HIV and the tears fell like a monsoon, and the hug she gave me didn't get weaker but stronger. She held me like I was a baby which is no surprise since I was crying like one. I was no longer in this battle alone.
Tracy and I had a unique relationship. I met her in high school. I was a sophomore and she was a junior and she didn't know why I was always buzzing around her like a mosquito. If she had a can of Raid she would have sprayed it on me as I was working her last nerves. She couldn't stand me, but for some reason I kept stepping in her shadow. Maybe it was intervention or she was simply tired of telling me to go away but we started to hang out. Most of the hanging out was while playing hooky from a class. We had a common interest in music and would just bop our heads to songs like Midnight Star , "No Parking on the Dance Floor, Isley Brother's, "Between the Sheets" and The Dazz Band "Joystick". Even when she graduated I was there. I showed my friendship in crazy ways, like making sure she got home safety which meant following the city bus she was on while riding my bike behind it.
Outside school we were a 80's version of Bonnie and Clyde. We were always in shenanigans. Nothing harmful, just things like grabbing everyone's circular from the apartment building as they had inside a coupon for free soda and we took turns going in the store until we had cases, or going to a restaurant and even though it wasn't either one's birthday I would let it slip to the waitress that we were celebrating her birthday just to get a free desert. One time I did this at Chi-Chi's,a Mexican restaurant and again knowing it was a lie. The minute we finished dinner the whole staff came out with instruments and balloons, clapping and singing "Happy Birthday". One of them had a Poloroid camera and we had to pose for a picture and they put a huge sombrero on her head. Talk about embarrassed, and the look Tracy gave me I just knew it was the last time we were getting free ice cream on her benefit.
We even almost had the opportunity to go to heaven together. For people who has ever ridden in a car with me they know that I drive like I have no sense. I had my own speed limits. Each Spring we would always make a point to spend one day just driving around glad we survived another Minnesota winter. One Spring we were enjoying our ride and I was driving crazy, as usually, switching lanes, cutting off cars and of course speeding. We were coming to a bridge and I decided to change lanes and hit a piece of black ice that didn't get the memo that it was Spring. We were in the far left lane of a four lane highway and the minute we hit that ice the car went into a spin. It was like everything was in slow motion as I saw Tracy, then cars, then Tracy, then cars, and so on until we finally crossed the entire highway and plowed into a bank of snow that almost covered the car. We sat still and didn't say nothing and although I was scared, inside for some reason I just wanted to bust out laughing. Now that would have sent me to heaven so I bit my tongue. I guess the snow didn't get the memo it was Spring and I thank God for that. We got the car out and surprisingly we were able to drive it. The funniest part of it all is that we had all this packed snow under the car so as we drove it was coming loose and it just looked like there was a blizzard but only around our car. I'll never forget looking over at people faces as they looked bewildered, and the priceless one was of this small girl her face pressed to the backseat window wondering, "What the fuck".
I always said if anyone truly wanted to know the complete me-ask Tracy cause we shared it all.
Disclosing my status made me feel less alone and if I can give any advice to anyone who is keeping their status a secret. You'd be surprised at who will not reject you and most of all you'd be surprised and embraced the unloading of the burden God has so many angels out there and for me my angel name was Tracy.
So thank you Tracy for the laughter, the memories, the tears and your acceptance of me flaws and all. You've shown me what a true friend really is!! And most of all you showed me that I am not in this world alone.
With no melodrama I just told her I had HIV and the tears fell like a monsoon, and the hug she gave me didn't get weaker but stronger. She held me like I was a baby which is no surprise since I was crying like one. I was no longer in this battle alone.
Tracy and I had a unique relationship. I met her in high school. I was a sophomore and she was a junior and she didn't know why I was always buzzing around her like a mosquito. If she had a can of Raid she would have sprayed it on me as I was working her last nerves. She couldn't stand me, but for some reason I kept stepping in her shadow. Maybe it was intervention or she was simply tired of telling me to go away but we started to hang out. Most of the hanging out was while playing hooky from a class. We had a common interest in music and would just bop our heads to songs like Midnight Star , "No Parking on the Dance Floor, Isley Brother's, "Between the Sheets" and The Dazz Band "Joystick". Even when she graduated I was there. I showed my friendship in crazy ways, like making sure she got home safety which meant following the city bus she was on while riding my bike behind it.
Outside school we were a 80's version of Bonnie and Clyde. We were always in shenanigans. Nothing harmful, just things like grabbing everyone's circular from the apartment building as they had inside a coupon for free soda and we took turns going in the store until we had cases, or going to a restaurant and even though it wasn't either one's birthday I would let it slip to the waitress that we were celebrating her birthday just to get a free desert. One time I did this at Chi-Chi's,a Mexican restaurant and again knowing it was a lie. The minute we finished dinner the whole staff came out with instruments and balloons, clapping and singing "Happy Birthday". One of them had a Poloroid camera and we had to pose for a picture and they put a huge sombrero on her head. Talk about embarrassed, and the look Tracy gave me I just knew it was the last time we were getting free ice cream on her benefit.
We even almost had the opportunity to go to heaven together. For people who has ever ridden in a car with me they know that I drive like I have no sense. I had my own speed limits. Each Spring we would always make a point to spend one day just driving around glad we survived another Minnesota winter. One Spring we were enjoying our ride and I was driving crazy, as usually, switching lanes, cutting off cars and of course speeding. We were coming to a bridge and I decided to change lanes and hit a piece of black ice that didn't get the memo that it was Spring. We were in the far left lane of a four lane highway and the minute we hit that ice the car went into a spin. It was like everything was in slow motion as I saw Tracy, then cars, then Tracy, then cars, and so on until we finally crossed the entire highway and plowed into a bank of snow that almost covered the car. We sat still and didn't say nothing and although I was scared, inside for some reason I just wanted to bust out laughing. Now that would have sent me to heaven so I bit my tongue. I guess the snow didn't get the memo it was Spring and I thank God for that. We got the car out and surprisingly we were able to drive it. The funniest part of it all is that we had all this packed snow under the car so as we drove it was coming loose and it just looked like there was a blizzard but only around our car. I'll never forget looking over at people faces as they looked bewildered, and the priceless one was of this small girl her face pressed to the backseat window wondering, "What the fuck".
I always said if anyone truly wanted to know the complete me-ask Tracy cause we shared it all.
Disclosing my status made me feel less alone and if I can give any advice to anyone who is keeping their status a secret. You'd be surprised at who will not reject you and most of all you'd be surprised and embraced the unloading of the burden God has so many angels out there and for me my angel name was Tracy.
So thank you Tracy for the laughter, the memories, the tears and your acceptance of me flaws and all. You've shown me what a true friend really is!! And most of all you showed me that I am not in this world alone.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The suicide of Raymond Chase
I'm writing this as a memorial to Raymond Chase, a young man who took his life this past week. It's unfortunate and by going to this link you can read his story.
http://talkaboutequality.wordpress.com/2010/10/01/another-suicide-not-just-a-number/
I'm saying goodbye even though I never knew Raymond Chase. Never met him and if we passed on the street wouldn't be able to make his face. But I know Raymond Chase in that I understand unfortunately why a young man would take his life. He didn't take it because he lost money in stocks or was behind in bills. He didn't take it because while in college he didn't get a good grade on an exam, he took his life because in today's society people still deny each other to live an individual life and place perimeters on them simply because of their sexuality. People still condemn and throw out bible quotes the same quotes used by pastor and Bishops who are having sex with young men themselves. Yes that line was directed to you Bishop Eddie Long. He died because we sit in glass homes and especially for people of color who call for equality, we don't want to give the same equality to someone who's gay. I guess it's true when they say 'Hurt people, hurt people.'
The sad thing is that he's going to become another number in a long list of young gay youth who take their lives as society has deemed them unworthy. I didn't know Raymond Chase but I know Raymond Chase as his story echoes my own. I didn't take my life but growing up trying to figure out my identity and putting all the pieces of the puzzle together to see what I look like and knowing that one of the puzzle pieces had the word gay on it which equaled rejection and condemnation from not only my family but my community and my peers. It's hard. The greatest fear I had besides my mother knowing about me was my high school peers knowing. They didn'tknow how much power they had or rather how much power that I gave them.
Yet Raymond was different in that he was openly gay, which made him a bigger target. I can see the shaking of the heads while he was in public spaces and the dismissal of his words. I can see men feeling insecure with their own manhood and to prove that their a man find comfort in making someone gay feel less than. Young gays are sometimes accepted in the classroom because their entertainment for others, but outside of making someone else laugh, they are nothing.
For young men and women who are right now living the story of Raymond Chase know that you are not alone and that ending your life is not the solution. Know that there are others who are going through the same thing you're going through but you don't feel it or see it as they are remaining quiet as well. Know that you don't have to prove your existence to anyone but yourself and if no one accepts you for who you are then let them go until they grow up.Maybe they never will. Know that you have rights and laws that protect you even when adults such as your parents, school teaching staff and other older adults try to make it seem like you deserve to be treated the way you are because you're gay.
And if you're reading this and you're not gay please share the story of Raymond and follow it up with support and the knowing that no matter what, you got their back. Push away the assumption that if I show concern about someone gay then people will think that I'm gay.Or the idea that gays are predators and by showing concern they want to have sex with me. It's a myth. A lie. An overgrown ego. Let people think what they want to think as we can't control others, only ourselves.
Raymond didn't have to die and the feelings of sadness is overwhelming because there will be more Raymond's before the end of this year and many more next year.
Pass along Raymond's story so that we can end this destructive cycle and give hope. We don't need more candles light in honor, but we need the light and life of our youth on this earth with us instead.
Thank you Raymond for living your life openly. It took courage.
You will not be forgotten and you will not just be another number.
http://talkaboutequality.wordpress.com/2010/10/01/another-suicide-not-just-a-number/
I'm saying goodbye even though I never knew Raymond Chase. Never met him and if we passed on the street wouldn't be able to make his face. But I know Raymond Chase in that I understand unfortunately why a young man would take his life. He didn't take it because he lost money in stocks or was behind in bills. He didn't take it because while in college he didn't get a good grade on an exam, he took his life because in today's society people still deny each other to live an individual life and place perimeters on them simply because of their sexuality. People still condemn and throw out bible quotes the same quotes used by pastor and Bishops who are having sex with young men themselves. Yes that line was directed to you Bishop Eddie Long. He died because we sit in glass homes and especially for people of color who call for equality, we don't want to give the same equality to someone who's gay. I guess it's true when they say 'Hurt people, hurt people.'
The sad thing is that he's going to become another number in a long list of young gay youth who take their lives as society has deemed them unworthy. I didn't know Raymond Chase but I know Raymond Chase as his story echoes my own. I didn't take my life but growing up trying to figure out my identity and putting all the pieces of the puzzle together to see what I look like and knowing that one of the puzzle pieces had the word gay on it which equaled rejection and condemnation from not only my family but my community and my peers. It's hard. The greatest fear I had besides my mother knowing about me was my high school peers knowing. They didn'tknow how much power they had or rather how much power that I gave them.
Yet Raymond was different in that he was openly gay, which made him a bigger target. I can see the shaking of the heads while he was in public spaces and the dismissal of his words. I can see men feeling insecure with their own manhood and to prove that their a man find comfort in making someone gay feel less than. Young gays are sometimes accepted in the classroom because their entertainment for others, but outside of making someone else laugh, they are nothing.
For young men and women who are right now living the story of Raymond Chase know that you are not alone and that ending your life is not the solution. Know that there are others who are going through the same thing you're going through but you don't feel it or see it as they are remaining quiet as well. Know that you don't have to prove your existence to anyone but yourself and if no one accepts you for who you are then let them go until they grow up.Maybe they never will. Know that you have rights and laws that protect you even when adults such as your parents, school teaching staff and other older adults try to make it seem like you deserve to be treated the way you are because you're gay.
And if you're reading this and you're not gay please share the story of Raymond and follow it up with support and the knowing that no matter what, you got their back. Push away the assumption that if I show concern about someone gay then people will think that I'm gay.Or the idea that gays are predators and by showing concern they want to have sex with me. It's a myth. A lie. An overgrown ego. Let people think what they want to think as we can't control others, only ourselves.
Raymond didn't have to die and the feelings of sadness is overwhelming because there will be more Raymond's before the end of this year and many more next year.
Pass along Raymond's story so that we can end this destructive cycle and give hope. We don't need more candles light in honor, but we need the light and life of our youth on this earth with us instead.
Thank you Raymond for living your life openly. It took courage.
You will not be forgotten and you will not just be another number.
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