Telling Family

It was two years since I had found out that I was positive. Two years of carrying the secret of what I was going through. I was not out at the time and wanted to tell just anyone what I was going through so I didn't have to carry this burden alone.

I had family which I was close to in some ways. I was raised in a single family household and my mother filled both parenting roles. Looking back she made sure we had a roof over our head and food on the table. We had struggles and days when a bowel of cereal was dinner, but we had each other. She grew up in a religious household as my grandfather was a preacher-so church was a huge part of our family. It was what got us through the difficult times.

When I in my early teens I remembered for no particular reason she pulled me aside and told me in a direct voice, "If you ever turn out to be a faggot I'll kill you". Even to this day I don't know why she told me that as I had not acted out on my sexuality let alone identify. But she sensed something and gave me a pre-warning. I grew to fear her following through on her threat.

Many years later what she saw to pass and now I was not only gay but I also had HIV. So although I was in my early twenties I had no fear of her hurting me physically but I did fear her emotionally as I wanted to share my new diagnosis. Yet I felt to tell her meant confirming in her mind that I got it because I didn't listen to her and now here I was coming back to her crying. I really felt that she would say, "You made your bed now lay in it".

Family is such a difficult concept. We all have them but we sometimes don't want the family we have. We accept from them behaviors we wouldn't dare let everyday people do. Yet we keep searching for function in the dysfunction. So here I was wondering how I can get support in this social structure.

But at the end of the day, family, despite their failings, keeps us connected. Make us feel part of something. And even though I had this virus I still wanted my family.

Because my depression was starting to get the best of me I found myself one day making my way to my best friend house, another person who I hid my secret from. When she opened the door she saw it in my eyes that something was wrong. She let me in and asked me what was wrong, but my words were stolen. They were lost in the mirror where I endlessly practiced what and how I would tell the people close to me. Then she reached out and touched me on the shoulder.

That's when my dam broke and just that touch released all the days of walking around with this mystery called HIV. Two years of tears came from me as I lay cradled like a child telling her that I had this disease. As she rocked me back and forth she just told me it was going to be okay and she made sure she knew that she loved me no matter what.

I was no longer going through this alone.

That release gave me the strength to tell my family. Rather than tell my brothers and sisters before telling my mother, I decided it was time she knew. It was at that time I just put it in God's hand and trusted him and knew that I had someone on this earth who had my back.

Telling her of my status meant that I was telling her I was gay. When I told her it wasn't the same release I had with my friend. But she didn't try to kill me as she promised. She simply asked, "What can I do?" It wasn't what I was expecting. She still let me know she wasn't happy but wasn't going to turn her back on me. Maybe sensing my heaviness and trying to lift me she told me, "That doesn't mean you'll try to go after my boyfriends?" It worked as I let her know, "You don't have to worry I've seen your boyfriends"

It was so important to have her acceptance because I felt that if my mother was okay with who I was, I didn't give a damn what others felt. It lessened my shame. The chain of depression that was dragging me down was coming unshackled.

Now that I'm older I can see why my mother said what she did those many years ago. A mother naturally wants to protect their child. Whether it's telling you to look both ways before crossing the street or don't talk to strangers. But when it comes to being gay or being HIV they may not have the tools to protect you and fear they won't be able to protect you as they don't know much about the enemy. They just know that people out in the world want to do harm to their child.

My disclosure to my family will be different from others as some may have no issues and some may experience out right rejection. For me telling family was important as they were a part of my life that was going to be with me until my last days. I didn’t want to live a life in a lie.

Family is not only made of blood relatives and even though we may feel like we don't need anyone in this world, we all want to be connected to something or someone. If the family we're given quit on you, we sometimes have to create our family from collection of people in this world who accept everything about you.

For me this virus took so much from me in my early days but as I got more of a handle on my life I knew one thing. This virus was not going to make me feel like an orphan.

The intersection of HIV disclosure and dating

This is the second in my own personal thoughts of disclosure. I say that because we all have our own disclosure which is unique to only us. Just like fingerprints, we all have them but they all differ. In this post I want to review my intersection with disclosure and dating. So as a disclaimer others may do things differently but for me when it came to dating, this is how I dealt with it.

His name was Mike-a least for this post it was, and we had just met. I was in my early twenties and had known of my status for a while and he was older, mature and experienced. It was a good connection and not one built on sex as I was afraid of this thing inside of me. We were on the same script as he wasn't looking for a one night stand either.

So what was the problem? The problem was that in all the sharing over dinners and movie dates, i never brought up my status. Looking back he didn't neither as we never had a conversation that should have been had. But by not telling I was not trying to be devious, but because-first we had just met and I didn't know him that well to share something so personal. Second-I was in a stage of fear of others finding out and if I shared it and he got upset, what would he do with the information. Thank God it wasn't today with the invention of Facebook and other social media sites where your business could be out there in a hot minute.

Third-It was the other thing I feared and unfortunately it happened. I told him as I felt the relationship was going to the next level. He didn't say anything right away. In fact he didn't say anything at all as my phone calls kept going to voice mail and any efforts to reach out to him was unsuccessful. It was the third thing I feared-rejection.

At the time I felt I was in a 'damn if I do, damn if I don't situation', Small traces of anger formed on why even bother being honest. Maybe I was marked. Why bother when you see personal ads that state 'neg-you be too' or 'no fat, no fems, no poz' Or if I dated was it to only be based on the same status rather than the organic connection/attraction. And why should I reveal? As long as I practice safe sex, then there's no need for disclosure. On top of that I convinced myself relationships are over-rated who needs them anyway.

So for a while I denied myself the ability of someone getting to close to me. I didn't want to let someone hurt me again by rejecting me. I guess I wanted to do it to you before you did it to me. When Mike pulled the disappearing act, I vowed never let someone be in the driver's seat with my emotions.

Now older I realize my life was lonely and the wall I built around myself kept people out, but I was also stuck alone behind the same walls. Going home to a silent house. Alone.

That's the wonderful thing about maturity. You get to a phase in your life where you tell yourself, if you don't want all of me, then it's your loss, not mine. I had to get to that place because by hiding behind that wall they still had the power. I had to regain my own strength.
I had to take the leap in the unknown waters and put it all in God's hand. If it's meant to be then so be it, if not then so be it as well.

I didn't want to put myself of the right 'timing game' any longer. The game of do I tell after the first date, the second or the third or when is it to late?  I just didn't want to do it no more. This is who I am.

But for those who don't or haven't disclosed I know where you're coming from. I was there. It's just that for me it was a place I no longer wanted to be.

There is no official rule book on when. I think when it comes to relationships we have to just trust that gut and do what we feel is right. I feel for me by living my life in the truth although I lost some people in my life, I gained more than I lost.

Mike you may have taught me what rejection felt like but man I have to say to you, 'you had a good thing and you lost it'.       

Disclosure In The Workplace

This will the first of four articles that will look at HIV disclosure and my personal struggles with it in four areas of my life, work, romantic relationship, family and disclosure to self.

My first journey begins with how disclosure affected my job.

It began with me sitting across from supervisor who wanted some answers as to why I seemed to called in sick or every several months I put in half a day as I had to leave the office for one reason or the other.

It was tricky as I was running out of excuses of telling my boss why I was late for work. How many times could I use the 'I didn't hear the alarm clock excuse' or that the half days I put in was for a family emergency when it would have been so much easier to tell her that in actuality I had an appointment with my HIV doctor.

But to do that would have meant I had to do the one thing that I was so fearful of and that was to disclose my status at the workplace as well as to come out of the closet. I was always a person who kept work separate from my personal life, like one would keep the corn on their plate from touching their mash potatoes. i just didn't want them to merge.

For me at that time it was worth getting written up than to disclose my secret.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has struggled with this issue. It's hard enough to disclose your status at work but when it involves your lively hood then you wonder if it's worth the risk.

Although there's laws on the book stating the illegality of discrimination in the workplace it can still make for a passive/aggressive hostile environment especially when you're dealing with people who have bypassed the chapter on discrimination. Plus the stigma can be so intense that a hostile work environment is created and you wonder is it worth it. Not to mention the stress it places on your health.

The doctors were not so helpful either as the particular clinic I was seen at the time only had one HIV doctor who had limited hours. And if you weren’t quick enough you were stuck with afternoon times. So the art of negotiating with him was limited and it almost seemed my other choice was to simply not go which for me wasn't a road I wanted to take.

Frankly at the time of my former employment I just didn't want my business being the latest office gossip. I didn't want to deal with people ignorance on a daily basis or to have everyone surround me with chicken soup as I let a cough escape.

In my case i eventually told my status as I was alerted to the fact that my job was now on the line. Although they were sympathetic, they stuck to the employee manual and let me have the, "If I do it for one then I have to do it for others" speech. 

I eventually moved on.

Now that I'm in a different place both job-wise and mentally I'm able to mesh the two together. It was easy as at my new job I wasn't the only one who had this disease so they had a sense of understanding. It makes a difference when you see your doctor or any other specialist you have to go to. But I know that I won't be here forever and will have to go through the experience again.

But I'll worry about that when I get to that fork in the road. Luckily I'm at a place where I feel comfortable making my status known, but for others it remains difficult. It's just like a new relationship. People who have HIV may ask themselves, do I tell them at the interview or do I wait until I'm hired or better yet wait until I'm passed my probation period. Or do i keep it to myself and put in my 9 to 5, knowing my virus doesn't take time off.

I wish I had an easy answer as my story is different from others. It's a hard balance when you're dealing with your health and income. A puzzle, similar to what comes first, the chicken or the egg and in many people case, my health or my finance?

It's just one of the aspect of disclosure that makes having HIV so difficult. It's not just about the pill.

We All Have HIV

If you're reading this on Tuesday February 7th, then you probably may or may not be aware that it's National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day. Before its stated I feel that every day should be an awareness day when it comes to HIV/AIDS and that such a important issue should not only focus on the black community.

But with that we must realize that when it comes to HIV/AIDS, the greatest impact is happening in the 'black' community. And the disease has morphed and has shown no bias, thus anyone and everyone is affected. Especially if you're having non-protective sex. And this includes those in a monogamous relationship. You may be monogamous but your partner may have a different definition of what monogamy means.

I feel this day is a day to really focus on the awareness of HIV and to put some thought into how it involves us. I truly do feel that we all have HIV as we are either infected or affected. Some may feel they are not affected in any way, but the insidious thing about HIV is that because of the stigma of it, you may have a person close to you who is infected but has not disclosed to you based on their fear of being rejected. They're not disclosing to be deceptive but because they're coming from a place of fear. I should know as I kept my status only to myself out of fear of what people thought of me or choosing to no longer associate with me. I now know its their lost if they have ended our relationship but that realization took years for me to discover.

Awareness means knowing your status. It's an opportunity for those in a relationship to go get tested together. Testing shouldn't be used as a tool of whether or not there's mistrust but used as part of the building of a healthy relationship. It's not a time to place blame on black men or accuse someone of being on the DL. A condom shouldn't signify trust issues but instead be seen as a 'care' issue. A time when two people can say I care enough about you that I want us to practice safe sex. For those not in a relationship yet having sex, awareness means you're being proactive with your health and not waiting until something develops before you take action. By waiting you may do more damage when you had the window of opportunity to slow down the effects of the disease. In addition not putting others at risk simply because you 'don't know' your status.

Awareness is educating yourself on what this disease is and showing compassion and understanding to those who have it. Avoiding someone with the disease is not compassion as well as pretending you're not affected. Unfriending someone on social media sites such as Facebook or putting a mandate of 'don't ask, don't tell' as a condition of your relationship is not showing compassion. For that person who has the disease they may be at a point where they need support and you have that ability to either save a life as mental health issues like depression usually follows a person being diagnosed or you can be the one that helps them discover what it means to have HIV at the same time learning yourself what it means. 

Awareness is starting to put our health first. We may be dealing with poverty, racism or other ism's as well as other b.s. society throws our way, but without your health you have nothing. It must rise from the bottom of the list and be in the first position.

Awareness is knowing that it's not just a black disease or a man disease or a gay disease. Although we're taking a day to recognize a particular group, we shouldn't get lost in the naming but really looking at the word 'awareness' and ask ourselves, whether we're infected or affected, what does this day means to me. And hopefully you come to the realization as stated before

We all have HIV