This is the last on a series of discussing the many forms of
disclosure for those living with HIV. In the past three articles I looked
at HIV disclosure as it relates to employment, love and family. This part is the over looked form of disclosure, disclosure to
yourself.
When I was first told that I had HIV, I
heard the news but I didn't fully accept it. At the time I was
diagnosed I felt fine and wasn't sick and didn't have no external signs
of HIV which was something you looked for back in the 80's, so in my
mind I didn't have it.
I didn't have it
because I couldn't see it or touch it or tell someone what it looked
like. The only proof I had it was based on some words on a piece of
paper given to me by the doctor. Words that I came from the ink of a pen
of which I wasn't going to let it change my life. I was in denial.
Since
I had my head in the sand I didn't feel the need to manage something
that I made myself believe that I didn't have. So there was no need for
me to see a doctor to help manage my 'supposed' disease. There was no
need to take pills especially when I had it in my head that to do so was
admitting. I was perfectly healthy and didn't need no form of
treatment.
The truth was I had yet to come to a
place where I was ready to acknowledge my illness. I had not come to a
place of disclosing my status to the man looking back at me in the
mirror. I had myself believe that If I pretended it didn't exist or if I
didn't talk about it, it would simply go away.
I often hear people who are HIV say, "I have HIV but HIV doesn't have me."
When
you're in a place of non-disclosure to even yourself, it does have you.
And when you're in that place of denial it's not only yourself you put
at risk but also others, especially if you're sexually active and not
wrapping it up.
There's also the matter of
planting the seeds of not seeking treatment for new mental health issues
that will probably come your way. Depression is usually the first to
stand in line as it prepares itself to affect the way you operate. Maybe
standing behind depression might be anxiety and next in line could be
one mental health illness we don't associate with HIV, PTSD (Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder). an HIV diagnosis has been linked to the development of PTSD symptoms. A diagnosis of HIV may be perceived as a traumatic event as people may feel as though their life is threatened and may
experience fear, helplessness, and/or horror as a result of the
diagnosis. In addition, it has been found that believing the stigma
attached to an HIV diagnosis may increase the severity of PTSD symptoms
among individuals living with HIV/AIDS
But to
come to a place of healing I had to accept. It was the only way my life
was going to move forward. It had to start with me.
I was not only infected but also affected, but
thank God for this one nurse who gave me a bitch slap. She let me know,
despite my denial I do have it and I can proceed with my life in two
ways. I can choose to live or I can slowly die. And in her description
of dying what she meant was that I could focus so much on the death
aspect of having HIV that I would become the living dead, not enjoying
the life I was gifted with.
To live my life in the honest light I had to accept the truth and disclose to myself that yes I had HIV.
And even though the clouds didn't part and the sun
came out shining, I was comfort in the fact that by knowing I was
preparing myself for the long journey ahead.
I can say it has been a long road, but what is life
without challenges. Even if I didn't have HIV there would be obstacles
and these obstacles only make you stronger. And I even came to a place
that God had a plan for me. By writing these words for others to read is
part of that plan as I hope I have inspired others or let people know
that they were not alone.
But the one lesson I did learn about having HIV was
that life is not a promised gift and to enjoy the life that you do
have. And despite my condition there is someone worse off than me as I
write these words.
My disclosure set me free and allowed me to strip
myself of shame. I refuse to be a walking dead and although it may not
be a perfect life, its the one I was gifted with so this brotha is going
to make lemonade with those lemons and it's going to be sweet, cool and
refreshing.
With the end of my look at disclosure I appreciate
all the conversations as everyone sharing their perspective gives new
perspectives. It may need to be revisited but for now I'm exhaling and
taking a much needed vacation so I'll see everyone in two weeks and on
my time off I'm going to do repeat my mantra after I had disclosed to
myself. I'm going to remind myself.....
I have HIV and I'm going to live!!
