Walkiing Into Positive

"I guess I shoulda known
By the way you parked your car sideways
That it wouldn't last
See you're the kinda person
That believes in makin' out once
Love 'em and leave 'em fast"
                            Little Red Corvette-Prince
            In writing about my life with HIV I’m usually asked when did I get infected rather than how. Of course it’s usually assumed in the how, despite the five ways of transmission that it was through sexual contact. Even in providing my answer it doesn’t provide people the full psychological scope of how one can get infected especially when it takes the simple act of putting on a condom. In my story it wasn’t that straightforward. I wrote a previous blog on how HIV prevention should move beyond handing someone a condom. In the telling of how I got infected hopefully you’ll see my reasoning.

            As a young seventeen year old person I was a quiet and shy person who kept to myself. Most of that was because of the low self-esteem. I would walk with my head looking down to the ground and it was difficult to look people in the eyes when chatting. It was almost like I was guilty and that guilt held my head down in shame. The guilt came from being a 10 year old victim of sexual abuse for over a year. Something I never shared with anyone and yet I walked as if it was my fault. Spending a childhood questioning what did I do to invite it? Ashamed event though I was the victim.

            I feel that as children we’re born with wings to fly but as we grow we have forces that come along and pluck the wings from our ascent, eventually leaving us grounded, afraid to reach for the sky. With all I was experiencing at a young age it was unfortunate that the way I was raised by my single mother also played another part in my search for self.
            I grew up afraid of my mother. Despite the fact I was a bookworm who never said much, she would unleash verbal tirades to me. Back then she must have suspected I was gay before I did as I was constantly called a sissy and told that if I ever grew up gay she would kill me. For simply existing I was often reminded of how favorable abortion was to her and her wish that she had one. I truly at one point thought my name was YoustupidMFIwishIneverhadyou Guess. I guess I was never meant to fly.

            In high school I was the class clown as I learned it was easier to hide your pain by hiding behind jokes. People who knew me in high school saw the class clown but when the bell rang and I walked home from school I was this walking insecure beacon of light.
At the time I walked the same route to and from school and would see this red corvette. The only reason it stood out was because of its bright red color. I also didn’t live in the best neighborhood as we shared our playground with prostitutes and drug sellers. So the clean color red stood out as everything around it was gritty and grey.

            As I was crossing a street near my home one day the red corvette stopped and inside was an older gentleman. He said hello and started to compliment me and it was something about hearing a compliment, hearing something nice even coming from a stranger, that made me open up. It was like after all these years of living under dark clouds; someone was willing to shower me with encouraging words. I was a flower blossoming open. When you don't feel value and you have someone giving value to you, no matter how they look and their intentions, you grab on to it like it's a twenty dollar bill blowing down the street and you hold on to it tight less it goes away.

            His words were so hypnotizing that it led me to get into his car, to be driven a few blocks away and finding myself standing in his house. I knew in the back of mind what he wanted but as a former person of sex abuse you sometimes have this perception that saying hello involves the giving of your body and not a simple handshake. Although I had never had a sexual experience, by the way I talked you would think I was an expert. It was truly my first time. I had heard about it but was curious on what it was and what it would feel like when I was in a willing participant. Because he was older and he said I was handsome, I trusted him. Because he said he we didn’t need a condom I trusted him. Because he would go away if I said no, I trusted him.

            Afterward I never saw the car again as I guess he got what he wanted and I was relieved as I was scared about what happened. I felt guilty. Like my father I didn't know his name
            A few months passed and I got sick like a dog. It was weird as I had never been a person who ever got sick. So this sickness was weird as for a week I was in bed. Not long afterward I saw a story in the newspaper of the person who I had my first account with. There he was trying to rob a bank and in the process of being arrested he told the cops he would bite them as he had AIDS. In my naive thinking I was shocked more that he tried to rob a bank and didn't focus on the AIDS comment at that time. When they say it only takes one time it's true I learned.
Little red corvette.

            Based on my experiences it was hard to find worth on a life that was treated as worthless. What happens when the importance of a person’s ideal of themselves without that guidance and value, can be easily lead astray? Would a condom have solved all my problems? Probably so but the way I felt about myself and the life I was living would have made it difficult for me to see why? I was in the basement of my penthouse life. I wouldn’t wish my journey on others but I know others journey has a similar direction. And I also know it’s easy to judge others without walking in that persons shoe. I understand and it took me getting HIV to find something that was denied me…my worth.

How to Date Me

            One of the most common things you will hear about having HIV is finding someone who won’t reject you and will accept everything about you, which also includes your status. Dating or being in a new relationship is hard enough and by adding HIV you insert more levels of frustration. But with clear communication and expressing of feelings, two people with different status can make a relationship work. As a person who has been in a relationship for the past thirteen years I know that as a person with HIV I don’t have to date exclusively someone who’s positive and like my partner who’s negative, he along with others are educated and aware of the disease to not run when confronted with the three letter acronym. Yet even starting out in our relationship I couldn’t ignore the differences and at the time had to share with my partner valuable lessons on how to date me. Someone with HIV.

            First let me say that without the HIV I'm like any other complicated person with various level of maintenance which can go from low (sure I’ll try white wine with the steak) to very high (who left the toilet seat up) but when you do add HIV it can be an interesting and loving relationships that has it's own rules. In the courting moments of the relationship it’s important for the other person to know the following which I also interject with humor, something we all need;

1)      I don't wake up or go to sleep with HIV. Meaning that oftentimes I forget I have HIV and my more immediate concern may be wondering do these jeans make me look fat. So there's no need for a daily comforting “it’s going to be okay’ hug each morning and ending each night with eyes that say.”I'm sorry”. I’m sorry to but also in a weird way the virus has made me look at what’s important in my life and provided me a new focus. It's not that I’m using any avoidance techniques but frankly I’m doing the same as others, I’m living the best life I can. But please don’t stop the hugs as it makes good foreplay. And don’t be afraid to ask any questions that strike you as many times we’re both learning how to negotiate this disease in our relationship and we need to do it together.

2)      Don’t stress yourself with worry when I take my daily medication. Yes it may seem its cumbersome when I’m standing in the bathroom counting out the pills each morning and night or snapping open the daily reminder pillbox but this comes so natural to me especially being that I have been taking pills for awhile. I know that it looks intimidating to see the various size and shapes of the pills but most of the time when I take them they go down with no problem. My secret ingredient is milk so that’s why I get so fussy when you drink the chocolate milk. Plus it reminds me of when I was a kid. Yes a pill may sometimes go down the wrong way and cause a gag reflex but its not the norm so having your Heimlich experience up to date is always necessary but in the case of me swallowing my pills you don’t have to be at the ready. But please feel free to question me when you see that many days have passed and I haven’t taken it or I seem inconsistent. In that case call me out on my stuff as I know come from a place of love and concern.

3)      We don’t have to share everything. I’m very selfish with my status and I don’t want to share. So when I ask you to put a condom on please don’t tell me you're not scared. You may not be but I’m very cautious of not infecting you. It’s something we both should be mindful of. I also have the same anxiety when you want to share my toothbrush. I know it may be cute but there are small risks involved that I don’t want to chance. But there are plenty of things that we can share involving no risk at all and has no possibility of exchanging blood. That list includes sharing ice cream, your portion of the basil chicken duck, the remote and anything else we have in union. And please don't be stingy with the kisses as we’re sharing each others heart.

4)      I get sick but so do others. This is the tricky part of dating me. The following may be confusing but believe me when I say it'll start to have some resemblance of sense. When if comes to my status I don't want you to call 911 when I sneeze or tell you I'm tired. The truth is that everyone gets tired and yes they sneeze. But sometimes people forget that it’s a natural behavior and not reserved to those with HIV. So my status doesn't make me anything special. Of course if I'm tired more than normal or have any other symptoms that last for a few weeks then we can get worried together. And remember when I say it can be tricky, here's what I was referencing to; I don’t like to be smothered but I like to be smothered. While you scratch your head I’ll explain.
Because going to the doctor is such a common trait of having this virus, with some going once a month to every three months, don't get offended if I tell you that you don't have to take off of work to come with me. Not that I don't want you there but it's not really a huge production. You'd be surprised on how uneventful it is and in most cases it's the same dance with the doctor. It most often goes like this; check-in, give vitals such as blood pressure/weight, let him/her know if refills need to be refilled, rinse and repeat until the next appointment unless there is a need for anything out of the norm. I know you’re there with me in spirit. But if it makes you feel better just know that I treat myself to a shopping trip afterwards as reward so I often look forward to the doctor. A treat kinda like the chocolate milk.

5)      And the last piece of advice is to breathe and let’s have fun in the relationship.

So there you have it. That is how you date me. Someone living with HIV. I think it’s pretty simple. And if we’re like any other couple we will have disagreements over couple stuff but when it comes to OUR HIV, with clear communication and knowing each other we have made it work. And I know we’re not the only ones and it’d be great for others to share so that those with anxiety can see it’s possible to be in a relationship. How have you as a HIV positive person found love with your status?

Looking Beyond HIV

            Much has been mentioned about the fact that many African-American men especially youth are getting infected in growing numbers. For those who are noticing many are scratching their heads asking why is this happening especially in this day and age when almost anyone can get a free condom from anywhere at anytime. Not to mention the abundance of prevention messages that are displayed all over major cities from billboards to posters, pamphlets and so on. What has created a deaf ear to a matter that is still relevant in communities of color? I won’t say I have the answer but speaking for myself, even as one who has been positive for 26 years I sometimes even get tired of hearing about HIV especially when as a person of color, HIV is the only time when I’m made visible.

            When it comes to HIV prevention the one thing that seems to be missing is something I call the 360 approach. In this approach all aspects of a person of color life is looked at. Instead of throwing a condom in their hand you first see what does their world resemble? What are their life circumstances? What societal barriers prevent them from getting the message? Is it poverty, homelessness, unemployment, racism? How do they identify if they do? How do they view themselves and do they feel they have any worth? This is important because if I don’t feel I have any value mentally then how can I put value on my physical self?

            Yet often a 360 approach is never used when it comes to reaching black men and informing them of the realities of HIV. In fact by excluding the 360 approach, most of the messages reinforce that the only value black men have is connected to their sexual act and to be more frank, their body part. With the lack of visual representation one can see an uneven arena of marketing where in the displayed absence of black men they are only fully represented with references to sex.

            One of the aspects of 360 is helping black men realize that they are visible. That their worth goes beyond their sexuality. That as black men they have legitimacy in the feeling that they are disenfranchised in a system that was not designed for them. In looking at the effects of media and its contribution to young gay black men searching for meaning and information on their emerging sexual identity it adds to feeling of invisibility as often there are no persons/images they can look to model or emulate. Some in that search for identity often find only sexualized images of gay black men and feel that this is the definition. Looking at the HIV infection in gay black men, this sexualized definition may be one of the reasons for infection as their only process of being visible is to have their body be the dialogue of expression.

            When it comes to people who look like me, even removing my sexuality, the absence of my voice in the media is so pronounced. I can flip open magazines such as Out or Details and I’m nowhere to be found. I look at the television and amongst the storyline on Glee and Modern Family I look for the telling of my stories and come up with a channel full of static. Actually in all fairness people will point out that Glee currently has a black character that has yet to express their sexuality but by his mannerism it’s assumed he’s gay. As is often the case when it comes to the combination of the words gay and black, if it’s an image in the mainstream, that person more than likely will be stripped of his masculinity and placed in a dress which is the case of Glee. What does that tell you when the only reference people can think of to any visible gay black men is RuPaul telling us to ‘turn to the left’ and ‘Sashay Shante’. Unfortunately he still remains the most visible representation of gay men of color. Yes I know there’s now Frank Ocean but most uninformed of pop culture will not know who you’re referencing. And besides his timely announcement which coincidentally was timed to his album release shows an important chance to add context to a discussion but instead was wrenched into a marketing tool.

    Even if I allow myself the pleasure of going to the movies, I come up absent as what I see are larger than life images of black men who roll their eyes and are a guaranteed source of laughter. But as stated before I know that the one place I will be represented is in an ad or poster with a man of color telling me to wrap it up or better yet now that he’s on HIV medication he’s jumping in the air because we all know when you take HIV medications that’s the first thing that comes to mind. (Slight note of sarcasm)  

            So in this discussion of HIV many prevention specialists have to understand that before gay black men can even think about HIV many are still trying to grasp three important questions. What it means to be black? What it means to be a man? And what it means to be gay, in that order. By just jumping to the last definition your message of prevention is perhaps the reason it falls on deaf ears.

            The biggest threat is the cloud of complacency. After so many years of pigeon holing gay black men with one message, we have to realize that it’ll start to have the opposite effect. We have to broaden that message and talk about depression, talk about mental health, talk about relationships and most importantly talk about the ability to love one self.

            In closing I do have to say as black men, no matter how we identify we must step up to the plate and not only make ourselves visible but also find comfort in our masculine role and see it as a source of strength and not weakness. We have to see where we stand in the 360 and what responsibility we have. For those who are comfortable with their identity, the greatest thing is to be a role model for a young gay person of color. And maybe in that bonding they will say, ‘so that’s what it looks like.” And in that responsible role help illuminate to what seemed to be intangible to some. And realize that the person you speak to is way more than the prevention message and has more value than the free condom you can get at the clinic.