In This Time of Thanks

As we celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday, this is a perfect time to reflect and recognize all the events and people that have brought me blessings this year.

            I first have to thank God. Being connected spiritually with him has made dealing with life so much easier. I won't lie, in my early days of my diagnosis I used to be angry at him, gave him the silent treatment and refused to speak his name out loud. But amazingly, he never gave up on me. He was always consistent through my inconsistency. And like the lyrics of the song states, "I never would have made it without you." And coming up on 27 years of living with this disease I know that he's there with me until the end and beyond. He’s given me rewards that no bank could ever hold.

            In a weird way there's a certain thanks to having HIV. Believe me, if given another chance I wouldn't want it but the fact is that I do have it and it has taught me the value of living a true fulfilled life. It has placed things in perspective and made me reflect on what is important and what is minor. It's given my life drive and a purpose. My cup runneth over when I know that the only person who can stop my dreams is me and I'm too busy building my dreams for me to be my own destroyer of my goals. It hasn't always been the most fabulous journey but it’s been more blessings than damnations. I've walked many trails and been able to walk through doors that I thought were closed to me, now opened for me to experience a true rich life.

            I thank the many friends and people I've met who has accepted me for who I am and not judge me for what lies in me. Those who have given me words of encouragement or affirmations and walked toward me and never showed me their backs. I'm also thankful for the people who are honest with their lack of knowledge and honest enough to admit it. We're sometimes learning together as the rule book is different for everyone who is positive, yet your openness doesn't bring offense but an opportunity to teach. And that learning is a two way street where I'm enriched by you.

            I also have met some incredible people who are living with the virus and they give me inspiration as they give me new challenges through their challenge. We're talking about people who speak publicly about their status, people who have run around the entire city of NYC or this country, not letting their status hold them back and those who stand in the face of stigma and faced it down daring anyone to deny them the same rights as others. The passion that you extend feed my creativity and fills my soul. You do what you do not for accolades but because it’s what in your heart.

            Of course I save the best thanks for last and that thanks is for the people who have put up with my ranting and ravings on the 20+ blog. You've let me be raw and naked with my emotions. You allowed me to not hold back and find a way to release built up frustration. Even when I come off as a Pollyannna you stayed with me.  Sometimes I've offended people which were never intentional but you calling me out on some of my writing gave me another way at looking at the subject. And I appreciate each bitch slap back to reality as I'm still trying to figure this virus out after 26 something years.

The greatest thing is knowing I helped someone or made someone feel like they were not the only one going through something and felt like they had value. You looked beyond the typos and found something you could identify with. In the sharing you've told me about your own struggles and each time I'm reminded that despite our status, we're all going through something but whether we face success or adversity, we can learn how to not just 'handle' it but to take advantage of it. If we want to succeed in life, I've learned we must learn how to make the most of both victory and defeat because we're certain to encounter both along the way.

            Oh and wait. I give thanks to one more person. That’s myself.  I my life could have went such a different route but I listened to the voice inside of me that let me know I was here for a reason. I thank myself for still dreaming and going after them. Yes some may have escaped my grasp but it hasn’t stopped my ability to push myself. I give thanks to myself for doing the one thing that we sometimes forget to do. That’s to live. To simply enjoy the moment and the space I’m in and embracing it. To live.

            For myself that’s the greatest thing to be thankful for.

William Brandon Lacy Campos-His Feet Walked Forward

When I signed onto Facebook Saturday morning I was prepared to post something witty about my need for coffee to get my weekend going. Along with the usual Facebook timeline postings I was expecting the usual praise to God, catching up on friends’ wild night and a few Instagrams of folks posing in the mirror. What I wasn’t expecting was to see a posting giving condolences to a friend who had passed. My heart raced and I immediately went to his page and there it was. A long list of people commenting on the passing of a great warrior. His Facebook page gives his full name William Brandon Lacy Campos but ask anyone and they know him simply as Brandon.

            Brandon who was anything but simple passed on late Friday. He was a truly unique man. He has been described rightly as a warrior, an author, an advocate, a blogger and most importantly he has been described as a good friend to all. He battled drug abuse, homophobia and wrote candidly about his HIV-positive status. As a gay man of color living with HIV he literally bared his soul for all to see and in that nakedness he exposed the many injustices that the disenfranchised had to endure. He spoke not just for gays and those living with HIV but he gave a voice for those who may have felt they had no voice. He didn’t use his male privileges with abandon but instead recognized that as a male with certain privileges that it was his duty to make sure women had the same rights. In his own words Brandon describes himself as the following, “a poet, playwright, journalist, amateur chef and life commentator doing his bit to put his foot in the asses of the regressive masses, while putting filling and nutritious food on plates of folks that ain't got much and deserve better.” And oh yeah he was a tough as nail feminist!

            I admire him mostly because of his writings on HIV. In this age when we still have so many living in a space where their HIV is so stigmatized, he refused to let anyone place him in a box. He was a intellect who could effectively communicate the life one has to live with HIV and not only point out the injustices of those with HIV but he stood there in the frontlines daring anyone to try to silence him that discussion no matter how uncomfortable it made them feel. He was a walking ACT-UP who may not have been the quietest person but that’s what we needed. Someone to get up in your face and in his words let you know, “We’re going to talk about this shit and the motherfucking train ain’t leaving until we all strapped in”. As a college educated man he had letters behind his name but he didn’t let those letters define who he was. He also didn’t just hang with only intellectuals but instead made himself available for all, no matter what road you walked. So whether you had a PhD or a degree in street smarts, he was there for you. He knew we all had a story to tell.

            Don’t get me wrong Brandon would do some crazy shit. Sometimes the postings on his Facebook page would be the perfect candidate for to much information, but in all honesty he did what a lot of us are so afraid to do. He lived. He made his life have meaning and a purpose and he didn’t forget to have fun. He loved to love and he loved to be in love. And that’s what I feel made people gravitate to him. Simply look at his Facebook page and you’ll see people from all walks of life. You’ll see a rainbow of genders, sexuality, countries and perspectives. And just from reading the last few days of postings you’ll see someone who took the time, which in this day and age of sometimes only communicating through social media, to actually connect with people face to face, person to person and cooking from his soul as he fed not only your stomach but also your heart.

            It’s a wonder how he made the time as he was very active in the queer community. Starting in his teens he was there giving a voice. In his twenties he co-chaired the National Queer Student Coalition. He sat on the board for the Audre Lord Project and was co-executive director of the New York City–based nonprofit Queers for Economic Justice. He was a constant blogger that brought up timely issues in his widely read blog, myfeetonlywalkforward.blogspot.com and as a fierce spoken word artist his book titled “It Ain’t Truth If It Doesn’t Hurt” which was published last year and I can hear Brandon saying, ”and guess what bitches you can get it at Amazon.com plus it’s in e-book form, boo-yah!” And with his Naked Poetry Series, he let it all hang out and left you with something to think about.

            I knew Brandon personally when I lived in Minnesota of which he also was from. With the state being 97.2 percent white us LGBT people of color had to find each other quick. I always joked that he followed me to NYC. That may not be the case but I do know that I followed him in his activism as he inspired me to start blogging and telling my own story of living with HIV. I was amazed that he was able to put it out there and in his words it gave me the strength to do the same. What Brandon did was throw a big rock in the deep water and from that he created ripples of people who were also inspired by him. I let him know this when I saw him at a performance we both attended.

            Brandon didn’t belong to me, to you or anybody at the top of his friends list. Brandon belonged to us all because his spirit is in all of us. With the heavy load of caring for people’s rights his blog was aptly titled my feet only walk forward as with such a huge load to carry he knew it was the only way to go. I hope me and others make Brandon proud as we pick up that load and be the voice of justice in whatever form we utilize but when we do it we do it in the spirit of my friend Brandon. And if we encounter people with closed ears and minds, “we’re just going to beat them silly with a piece of ham hock until their damn neck snap back into reality”

 I hope I got that right Brandon and thank you for inspiring me to be naked.                   

Sandy is Still Here

               I have to admit that I took Hurricane Sandy for granted. There was almost an expectation of the coming storm as you were hoping to have a three day weekend. Watching the 24 hour coverage of the red swirl as the meteorologist described the storm making its way up the east coast made me get prepared. Yet instead of making sure that we were stocked on basic necessities such as water and batteries, my preparedness came in the form of wondering what movies to watch and what sugary delights to bake in the oven. I even took my dog down by the Hudson River so I could see for myself the waves crashing on the shore as ships in the distance started to hunker down. Of course in this day and age everything we witness has to be filmed on our camera phone of which I was guilty of. Ironically the only one who had sense that day was my dog who gave me the look as if to say, “You seriously putting us in harm’s way to post something on Facebook?” As the wind picked up and my dog’s eye got wider, I got the point and made my way to shelter.

Then the storm came.

            Living uptown, except for the wind, it didn’t feel like there was a storm. Maybe because we were so entranced with watching the marathon session of Dexter that we were oblivious to what was going on outside. The most exciting part of the storm in our area was two trees that fell. One landed almost on top of a friend’s car and the other tree landed in the park that flattened two benches. Surrounding the tree were smiling couples holding their lattes as they took pictures of themselves next to the uprooted bark. At that moment it was all fun and games. Then the true effect of the storm started to come in.

           

            The hope we didn’t have to go to work came true but at the expense of the transportation system which was crippled in New York City. To put this in perspective, most people in the city don’t own cars as there’s a heavy reliance on the subway and buses that bring people to wherever they need to go. This includes those who are HIV positive. In addition many homes and business especially in the outer boroughs were either destroyed or heavily damaged and had no power. Within the city many agencies that provided services to HIV clients were unable to open for business as they also had no power or received extensive water damage.

           

            Stories are coming in of HIV clients who live in the Bronx walking for miles to parts of Manhattan to get the basics such as food and water, something that others like myself took for granted. Some agencies like GMHC tried to open on a limited basis as they had staff that couldn’t make it in with the lack of transportation or experiencing outages within the building. As one HIV agency puts it, they opened for a day and saw around 30 people, when they opened two days later it had doubled to 60. Here at GMAD clients not only had difficulties making it here to the agency but since the storm came the phones have been down and remain down leaving clients with limited ability to contact their mental health therapist or seek support in the HIV group they attended. Those who struggle with isolation are isolated from those who can help.

            Sandy had come-a-calling and she left reminders that she was here. Although it’s been a week since her visit the devastation of her visit is a daily reminder for many. I won’t say any one group was affected more than others but looking at those who are HIV and who falls in a low economic bracket you get a sense of the reality of what happened. Food and shelter remains something that is difficult to attain for many. Even in areas not hard hit by water, there are many buildings that have no heat as the weather starts to take a dip. Ali Forney, an agency that serviced homeless LGBT youth saw their space become uninhabitable and the haven where youth could find shelter, food and showers is no longer available. Then there’s simple the stress of it all. As people are still trying to get things back to normal they have the added burden of maintaining their health.

            After personally seeing the effect of Sandy I no longer take her for granted. The little inconvenience of standing on a crowded subway train that is finally working pales to what others are going through. As the more heavily damaged areas are getting the media coverage little is said of the men and women who depend on certain HIV related services. In this world of short attention span and with the elections now over we can’t simply move on and forget. But using the example of HIV members who walked from the Bronx to Manhattan it shows the reliance and undeterred spirit of not letting this storm stand in the way of their health and needs.

            I believe for those who are fortunate we can show the same. We can show this by contacting agencies that service the HIV community and ask what we can do. We can donate food, clothes, and our time to help bring back some normalcy. And this is the perfect time to check on our neighbors and friends and especially those who are HIV positive and perhaps offer a place where they can store and take their HIV medication until their housing which was affected by the storm, is resolved. Or as the days get shorter we can offer a candlelight of care and compassion to help illuminate that someone cares. The simplest thing we can do is take someone out for coffee and let them know you are there.

            As the saying goes when it comes to HIV we’re all affected. Hurricane Sandy has shown that we can’t take things for granted, whether it’s the services we depend on, the support systems we rely on or the people in our lives. By us reaching out we can help those help others. Let’s show Sandy who’s boss!