Spring Cleaning

Now that we have survived another winter and have shaken off DVR nights filled with bad television, it’s time to get to some spring cleaning. Usually spring cleaning in my home meant getting out that bucket of soap water and doing a good scrubbing, not the light dusting kind but the down on the knees until it hurts and getting every tile on the floor until it sparkled. It also meant preparing for the warm weather by rummaging through the closet and discarding the ‘what was I thinking clothes’ along with packing up the cold weather coats. In this mindset I’ve decided to do some spring cleaning when it comes to my HIV health and have five great ways to get it done!

1. Mental Health

It’s time to first see how my thought process is going and whether I need a check-up. Usually the winter can make you go through the ho-hum mood with the shorten days and the lack of sunlight along with the PTSD of the holidays we’re sometimes in a funk that we can’t just get out of. Recognizing the impact of depression and anxiety on one’s immune system it’s equally important to make sure that we’re not having bouts of depression. The increased sunlight does do wonders but in no ways does it replace the value of seeing a clinician. And as I tell people in my life there ain’t no shame in my game especially when it comes to my overall health. There’s still a stigma in telling someone you went to see a therapist when it’s one of the healthiest thing you can do. Not every encounter means you’ll be prescribed pills or have to see someone for years and years. Just one to two simple visits can determine if you need intensive therapeutic support. Just like we clear the vacuum cleaner of dust we can do the same thing with our mind as we clear the dust that keeps us from being happy.

2. Bad Influences

Bad influences can be different for all and indirectly can impact how we live with HIV. For some it can be unhealthy eating habits or behaviors such as smoking, excessive drinking or dare I say too much sex especially when it gets in the way of forming true relationships? One bad influence that may benefit others is looking at the people we call friends. Sometimes the very people that have your back are often the ones holding you back from your full potential. Although we may not want to admit it the negative persona of a friend can rub off on you especially if you’re hanging with someone who’s always outwardly negative to others. Before you know it your friend’s behavior becomes a reflection on you. As hard as it may to do by letting go you’re making room for someone who has the positive qualities you’re looking for in a person. And family members shouldn’t be excluded from this category. Simply because you’re a blood relative doesn’t mean that you have to keep them constantly in your life. Relatives can do more hurting than anyone else simply because they’re family. You may have to tell them you need a break and recognize that when it comes to bad influences, your family is not allowed to do thing to you that you wouldn’t let others. So whether it’s your immediate or distant family, sometimes stepping away is the healthiest thing you can do.  

3. Medication Adherence  

As Spring rolls around for many of us our schedule changes as well. We’re simply out more and don’t have the same routine as we did when it was cold. With the warm weather we’re out longer as we enjoy evening dinners with friends or for the lucky we’re doing more traveling as we kick our heels on the sandy beaches of the tropic. This may impact your medication regime especially if you’re not normally a creature of habit to begin with. Overall one should look at how their ability to take daily medication is going. This even goes for us long termers as we sometimes get in the mindset that missing a day won’t hurt but if we look back we see that we’ve missed quite a few days over the long winter. So just like we change the batteries in our smoke detectors lets also take a look at how we manage our medications. It’s even a time to check in with your doctor and look together on how your current regimen is going. Even if your current pills are working for you, it’s also a good habit to simply be aware of new developments in HIV medications.   

4. Me Time

I know this may seem unnecessary but in our cleaning mode I think one of the greatest things we can do is look at the time we spend with ourselves. Although we have already started the year making resolutions, as the warm weather approaches there’s value in looking at activities we love to do or simply something that we always wanted to do. Spring is a great time to clear ourselves of self doubt and introduce ourselves to new things. This could be the year of finally trying out camping or taking the outside early morning tai chi class. Maybe learning how to finally swim can be a goal or seeing if we really do have a green thumb as we take a crack at gardening. The great thing about these social events is that it gets one into new environments and for some events it may give opportunities to meet new people. Again when looking at HIV isolation is the greatest enemy and finding out whom we are and what we like to do is the greatest release.

5. Work It Out  

The one thing that we can agree about winter is that it provides a back door for extra pounds to creep up on you and before you know it you’re telling your scale they’re a liar. I think I still have one last piece of sweet potato pie from the holidays that is clinging on my thighs. As someone who works out there’s such a euphoric feel one can get from exercising. Now before one starts hitting those weights you have to make sure you’re going to the gym for the right reason. If you’re going to find those six packs you see others sport on magazine covers or you’re doing it to get whistles and appreciations from others then you’re setting yourself up. Going to the gym is hard enough especially when you’re doing it for others but the greatest joy is doing it for yourself. I personally believe that when I feel good I’m more inclined and prepared to handle my HIV health. And the coolest thing about working in the spring is that you don’t need to join a gym as you have free options such as jogging, biking and my personal favorite, jumping rope. I know if no one else appreciates my hard work I take comfort in the fact that I appreciate it.

So look out world it’s time to clean house and if you’re not cleaning you’re leaning in my way as I prepare myself for a great spring and summer. These five ways will help me transform my way into a new season and my HIV will benefit for the better!    

Building Walls

           I recently experienced a loss of a friend after 9 years of knowing him. The good news is that he has not passed away but the bad news is that our relationship reached a place where it was decided he no longer wanted be friends. I know we had a disagreement but not one that would end a friendship. It ended by way of Facebook which is now the tool people use to end relationships. Unlike days past where matters were discussed to resolve conflicts or misunderstandings, it’s now a simple click of the ‘unfriend’ button and relationship is over. In this age of online friends where we can have 2,000 friends on Facebook in truth one has only a handful of people in our ‘real’ life we can truly call friend. The loss of a friend can be hard as living with HIV he was someone I could count on to be part of my support system. So what does one do when a person you value enough to share your status and your life decides to part ways? And when it comes to health how important is a support system?

            I know for myself as a sense of pride I made the claim that it didn’t matter we were no longer friends. Besides I can always make new ones and with my personality it wouldn’t be that difficult. I also didn’t want to have the feeling that he ended it and in essence won, so to counter that perception I told myself it was mutual. In that time since our friendship ended I have met some great people yet right away I noticed a difference in the new relationships I was forming. I noticed that much of my interactions were guarded. I wasn’t sharing as much and was providing only a surface look at who I was. My reasons was not that I thought I would be hurt again but it was more of a feeling of why bother. Why make another investment where you felt that the return was going to be null and void after a few years. Why be an open book and have someone decided they had enough and close the book and move on. And if a relationship can end suddenly after nine years with no warning why go through that situation again?

            Building walls is what I started to do. It was a wall to keep and control what and who came into my life. I think that after living with HIV for so many years you become a master builder at building such walls as you live a life where rejection unfortunately comes with the virus. I’m not saying that was the reason for my previous friend ending the friendship but past rejections steels you from being hurt once more. For me it was drawing on past relationships that ended suddenly because of my disclosure of status or the feeling of abandonment of family. So when it came to someone giving rejection, one  find yourself falling back into the role of placing those brick into place and making a motto to yourself formed of two words that sounds so familiar, ‘never again”

            There is a price for such action though and I call it the cousin of rejection, its called isolation. The truth is when you build walls although you’re protected from others you also create a scenario where you’re behind those walls alone. Your day to day is one of simply staying to yourself. I admit I was guilty of this. It worked for me and I figured this way I don’t have to go through all the work of maintaining a friendship or relationship. Isolation is a great thing at first as you can decide where to go without negotiating with anyone. It was handy if I decided to eat at a particular restaurant with no care how others felt or go to an event that others may not like. You’re in that great space where you don’t have to negotiate and coordinate times or dietary restrictions. Yet by making friends with isolation you realize that even that comes with a price.

            The truth is that isolation and the concept of holding yourself from others hurts not only your spirit but also your physical being especially when it comes to HIV status. The trickle down effect of isolation is that it has a string to depression which as we all know can have a negative effect of your health. It’s been shown that depression has a link to your immune system and with an existing compromised immune system it doesn’t help matters. Also depression has that funny way of making you revisit bad habits that you have been able to overcome. Bad habits in the way of unhealthy/excessive eating, substance use of drugs/alcohol and for some unhealthy sexual practices which can affect your health long term.

            Yet as someone in my forties I have come to that conclusion that the older you are the harder it is to make true friends. I think that‘s the wicked draw of Facebook as in the space of being connected in truth you’re becoming disconnected to the true social of in person interaction. True friends are again not the thousands you have on your social media site but the ones you can knock on the door or call and just know that they have the time for you. So what I have done is look at the friends I have and rather than look at the absence instead look at the greatness of those who call me friend. The loss of my previous friend has to be looked as an action of not taking away something but giving space for others to come into my life. Yet I know that they’ll never get in if I continue to make it difficult for them to do so and scaling walls I’ve built will make that task harder.

            I have allowed myself to cry and not pretend the loss of the relationship doesn’t hurt. The sad truth is that from the day we set our feet on this earth and until our last steps we’re going to be hurt and disappointed by others. The true testimony is what we do with our steps while we’re here. I find comfort in the fact that friends are here to travel with us until we come to a certain road in our journey upon which we find others who walk with us for the other leg of our travels. And at least I have the memories of past enjoyment so I can reflect on what makes a true friend for those days when it seems the clouds want to take over.

            So I step back into the game of life and not simply as a calculated way to manage my HIV status but to recognize that life is more fulfilling when you have others to share in that joy. For my brethren especially those with HIV who live behind the walls you’ve created simply ask is it working for me. Am I finding the joy I was seeking or is it a false promise? Is living in isolation creating for me a healthy perspective of life or is it affecting my health and overall well-being? Am I truly safe? I had to ask myself the same questions and know that I will start dismantling my wall and to those I’ve been holding at arms length, welcome them in. I find comfort that this is moment in my life where I’ll look back and remember this sad instant and celebrate how I was able to walk into a brighter light. So here we go again, walls down and arms are open, I’m ready for love!    

Viral Stigma

                                                                                                 

          Yesterday for a brief moment if you were on the internet you may have seen a blog by me commenting on the news of a man who was being sought by the police for infecting close to 300 people with HIV. This was a news alert that was sent to me by a well known agency in Brooklyn and in my mind it was confirmed when I Googled the information and saw many others who were reporting on the same story. So with the information I did have I penned my thought on the subject making sure those reading the blog were fully aware of the man in question actions. I also found the opportunity to make a statement of what I felt about sex with strangers and whether they would ever self-disclose their status. In my quasi reporting I didn’t realize that I was helping someone spread a vicious claim that involved the dispersion of HIV stigma. It was a learning lesson on how viral stigma can be and how quickly it can make it way to others especially in this digital age.

            When looking at HIV stigma in a viral form it’s no wonder how we can push something out especially when it’s inaccurate. Even though we’re told at a young age not to believe everything you read, if we see it often enough we start to believe it. Although the Tuskegee experiment has merit it also has grown in the reporting of it as many who were not alive or may not even know the details of the study still use it as their base for why they either don’t get tested for HIV or seek treatment. Unfortunately many mistruths of HIV are perpetrated this way and the stigma aspect of it is retained by others.             

            By writing about this incidence involving the man who infected others with HIV, it was a reality check on the damage that can be done by not fact checking especially when it deals with such a stigmatizing subject. The story was a perfect stigma storm as it had an African-American man infecting others. He was wrongly reported that he used mobile meeting applications such as Grinder and Jack’d and lastly he had sex as an HIV man and was knowingly exposing people to the virus. So there it was, a stigma brew-He was black, having sex and had HIV. Boy those left wingers probably had a field day with this story.

            My angle in reporting the information was questioning how 300 people could get exposed to HIV especially with all the health warnings out there in addition asking people to think twice about your sex practice especially when having sex with someone you didn’t know. Unlike the creator of this story my intention wasn’t to spread misinformation but to help bring to light someone with destructive behaviors utilizing their status as a weapon. But by hitting that enter key I was amongst the chorus who was hoodwinked in attaching an innocent person name and face to something that wasn’t true.

            What’s scary is that someone actually created this story with a purpose. The purpose may have been to embarrass the individual or this was their form of cyberbully but whatever the reason I have to say I hope you got the satisfaction you were looking for. It must feel good to discredit someone and to vilify those who are actually living with HIV.   

            This incident showed by stigma going viral it may have the ability to influence those who don’t look beyond the headlines of the story. As I write this there are many who still believe the validity of the story and in their viewing it may have simply provided conformation to stereotypical thinking such as HIV is only given by black people and they sleep around. The scariest part is going back and seeing that many blog sites have not provided a retraction in saying that this story is false. We’re not talking   about little ma and pop bloggers but some major bloggers as well as several known health organizations who sent the info through newsgroups to many who work in the HIV field. And those people as I look at my mailbox also sent out notices and as stated before not one has sent an email to say we made a mistake.

            This isn’t the first time and probably won’t be the last but when looking at HIV and the internet and the way information is pushed out one has to have the ability to critically look at articles and see the truth behind the headlines. In talking about HIV people are looking for perspectives and dialogue on the subject. By reading false information it’s akin to being on the school playground and sharing information and by the end of the day the story has transformed into something entirely different and in this digital age it can be transmitted extremely fast.

            I still stand by my reporting that new technology that helps others connect quickly and anonymously, caution should be heeded and when protecting your sexual health recognizing that simply asking a stranger or reading on their profile that they’re negative shouldn’t be your buy in to going raw. I also stand by the fact that when having sex the conversation or main concern should be about HIV but also recognizing the other STDs that are out there. What I do regret is being a tool of false information and the broadcast of a bogus report.

            So in further postings I will still use my style in talking about HIV whether its personal or popular news but I’ll also take heed of the power of words and the effect it can have especially when you speak on a sometimes stigmatizing subject such as HIV. And before I let my fingers caress the keys and bring forth information it will be fact checked extensively all in my goal to not help stigma go viral.