Deconstructing My HIV

I know early on when I found out about my HV diagnoses I had the question most may ask. Why me? Why did I have to get this disease and have it impact my life? What did I do wrong? Was God mad at me or was he trying to teach me a lesson? My life was supposed to have been different and this was not the way I had planned. They say everything happens for a reason but why was this my example and what was the reason? Wasn’t there another way I could make an impact? In looking at these questions and trying to find the answer I had to deconstruct my HIV and reconstruct it in so that I could find the meaning. I had to do this and after all these years go back and find the meaning of my HIV status.

I remember the years when I was told my status. I was in a literal free-fall. I simply felt I no longer had a purpose. I had stepped into the unknown and with little answers I felt I was on my own. I was a quiet child and kept to myself. I had yet to find my voice. My experience like almost everything at that age was still new as I had yet made it out my teen years. I think along with the question of who was going to love me I also asked myself how I was going to love myself.

The one thing I didn't like about my status is that it made me passive. I was not in a place where I was looking out for my interest but I was more concerned how others would react or feel about me being positive. That was one of the reasons I had a hard time with disclosure as telling someone your HIV status placed me in a passive position in waiting to see how they would respond. Holding my breath preparing for their reaction, leaving my fate in their hands. Like an innocent puppy I accepted this role and when I told my truth and was rejected for it I was more angry at myself for placing myself in a position to be rejected. I learned the word humble very early. I learned not to disclose.

I walked with anger or rather I let the anger of my situation control me. Many people see me as this respectable and educated person now but they didn’t witness my dark period. It was a time when I woke up angry for no reason. It worked for me or at least I though as it helped push people away. That’s what I wanted. I didn’t want anyone to understand me or join me on my journey. I didn’t want my guard down to once again place myself in a position to be rejected. I was unaware that I was also setting myself up for isolation and the depression that usually accompany it.

Finally finding someone I could tell my secret to they still had no idea what I was experiencing. Many people who don’t have HIV believe that they can read stories or articles and have a sense of how it is to live with HIV. Honestly there’s simply no way to communicate all the nuances of living as a positive person. It’s not just about taking a pill or making sure to see your doctor regularly. It’s now a part of your character and an aspect that stays tucked in the back of your mind finding little moments to remind you it’s still with you. There are aspects of it one will never grasp as the stories vary from person to person and there are differences in how it’s viewed by others based on gender, race and sexuality. 

There’s a saying that I can relate to. It says how one was so down that they had to reach up to touch the bottom. I think for me I was at a point when I was tired of touching the bottom of my life and wanted to reclaim my full potential. The way to do that was to first get out of the passive role and get assertive with my dealings in life. I had to stop looking at myself as a victim and get back behind the wheels of my destiny. I had to do something revolutionary. I had to learn how to love myself despite my health situation.

In this place of reconstruction I had to tear away from the people who didn’t have my best interest in mind. I had to stop focusing on who didn’t love me and bring forward in my life those who did love me. My construction of self-meant tearing down the wall I had placed around my heart. I also had to destroy bridges that led me to negative behaviors and make new bridges that placed me on a road to my purpose.

I learned to say the word no. I repeat I learned to say the word ‘no’ especially if I found no benefit in my life and teaching myself to say yes to opportunities that I may have thought I wasn’t ready for. I stopped feeling guilty about placing myself first and although there is no cure, staying healthy not for any other but my own benefit.

Basement/Penthouse

If you were looking at your self image in a mirror and the way you saw yourself where would you reside?

Are you in the basement or in the penthouse of your life?

The basement is a cold dark place that allows little light to shines through. It's not welcoming and has dirty corners in which small critters find comfort. It’s true you can renovate it and fix it up to look comfortable but it'll remain the basement no matter what you do. A penthouse on the other hand is the opposite. It's filled with light; usually well maintained and stands above everything else. It has a shine on it and it's lifted. It most often represents attainment.

So I ask the question again, where do you live?

If I asked myself that question in my twenties I would have told you the basement. Back then living with this virus I felt dirty. I had no light in my life as I was trying to keep my head up from swimming in a pool of misplaced values and a sense of belonging nowhere.

I didn't give myself the gift of nurturing. My basement was filled with clutter of boxes stored with past pain of child abuse and low identity of self. I had picture frames of a smiling child that masked confusion on what lied inside of me and why did they call it gay. My older photographs were similar in pose only now the confusion was unable to comprehend this thing they called HIV.

It was a basement that I first received my gift. A questioning boy walking into the adult arms of a person who showered me with words I only heard said out loud to puppies. Words like 'cute', 'adorable', 'precious' and 'love'. It was in the dark of the basement light these words were whispered to me; even the red light bulb hanging from the wall knew it was a lie. But when you grow up not being affirmed or having value placed on you, you take whatever water that will help you bloom even if it's the leftover sludge from the bottom of the bucket.

I believe we were all born with wings to fly us up to higher lofts, but in my circumstance I was a child with clipped wings. Wings that were once full bloom now tarred with insecurities, self doubt and shame. "if you ever grow up to be a faggot I'll kill you" were the lessons I learned, lessons from home, from peers and deeply rooted in my community.

My true self was hidden in mason jars sealed with duct tape, hidden among the spiders on dusty shelves in the basement.

My saving grace was the cracked mirror where I came face to face with my reality. It was hard to see my reflection especially with my eyes closed. But I found the strength to clear the dust of doubt and reveal in my true persona. In the musty air I whispered to my reflection.

I am beautiful

In those words I saw a stripping

The physical action of saying it lifted my eyes to the possibilities of the words that have escaped my lips. Saying I was beautiful gave me a key to unlock my own potential instead of waiting for someone else to open the door to affirmation. I was refreshed in new waters yet to be tainted as I repeated this mantra of beauty to myself. I initially half heartily bought into the fantasy of the word beauty and my self mentioned in the same breath, yet I knew to find the way up out of my misery I had to believe, simply believe that despite my circumstances and disadvantages that I truly was

Beautiful

My reflection of self embraces it as I see the person I want to be.

Happy.

I start to see steps. Steps leading up. Ones I need to take to see the true light of my possibilities. They look daunting to climb but my will was stronger. Each step is victory as my bare feet moves forward, no longer dwelling in past mistakes.

I step forward out of low sense of self

I step forward out of stigma relating to my HIV status

I step forward out of harmful behaviors that uproot me from my growth

I rediscover me even in those moments of missteps that take me down a step and with the strong will of God finding direction to not have any set-back be a step back

But a step forward only wiser of past mistakes

My beauty takes me from my basement moments and moves me to an upgrade in my dwelling

To my true home, the penthouse

From here I can see all my possibilities

I can bear witness to my dreams looking out unlimited windows

And my true light shines, a gift from God.

Here I spread my wings
Regrown from my investment in self

This is where my life is supposed to be.

This is where I call home.

How about you?
Where do you live?
In the basement or the penthouse?

Condom Conversation

When it comes to HIV many should be aware that an effective tool to prevent exposure is using a condom.  In fact there are those who feel that there’s no excuse for someone to get HIV today especially with all the information out there and the vast availability of condoms whether free or by purchase. Yet what if a condom isn't simply a condom? What if the condom has more of a symbolic meaning, a subtext to one’s relationship that doesn't make it so easy as to strap one on before sex? What if it represents an unspoken communication in your rapport with someone else that raises other issues besides HIV? How do you have a conversation about introducing a condom when you’re having the discussion with someone mid-stream that you've been in a long-term relationship with and not a one night stand?

When looking at HIV prevention posters there seems to have one thing in common. The message seems to be directed to those who are not in a serious relationship and may have multiple partners. One message that is not effectively communicated are HIV campaigns that address those who are in a committed relationship. The feeling may be if one is in a relationship then there has to be an expectation that both couples are monogamous yet there are many statistics that shows that infidelity remains one of the big problems in any relationship, whether t’s same sex or opposite sex couples. Focusing on LGBT couples statistics on infidelity among same sex couples show an unusually high rate of infidelity among lesbians and gays. One study of male homosexuality found that few homosexual relationships last longer than two years. Data from the Gay/Lesbian Consumer Online Census shows that only 29% of gay/lesbian relationships last more than 7 years. In forming this relationship one may feel that since being in a committed relationship there is no need for a condom.

I personally knew of such a couple. They had been together for eight years. One had started to communicate that they had suspicions that the other person was cheating but didn't know how to approach it. There was even a case where they had an STD scare but later found out it was a simple cold sore. Yet that fear alone didn't give my friend the strength to not only talk about his suspicions but to also talk about start using a condom. So it became a waiting game until finally the partner was caught cheating and during that time my friend didn't know if his ex was using protection with the other person and if not was possibly exposing my friend to any STD. My friend also didn't bring up the condom conversation as he fell into an old belief that acknowledge their partner may be having sex with someone else, which was only sex , but they are the one they love.  

To introduce a condom in an established relationship is difficult. One partner in a relationship may feel different and may want to start using a condom for many reasons, yet by doing so the condom takes on a new meaning. It’s no longer simply about prevention, but the introduction by the other half of the partnership may view the condom as a lack of trust.  Perhaps the other person may feel their partner is not being monogamous and want to protect themselves against other HIV/STD. In the book Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, by authors Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata they found that they may also fall into another statistical fact that gay couples who remained together past the 10 year mark were able to do so only by accepting the painful reality of infidelity in their relationship. In this unspoken knowledge a partner through the acceptance of the fact my still not bring up the issue of using a condom and may feel that whether their partner cheats that they trust their partner enough to not be exposed to HIV or any other STD.

There may also be an acceptance based on another aspect of the relationship that makes discussing condom usage difficult. That is one of power dynamics within the relationship itself.  One power can be focused on the one who is considered the major bread winner or supporter of the household. In some unions it’s equal/equal but in some relationships one person may have an advantage over the other as they may take care of most of the major expense which can include housing, bills and living expenses. This unequal equity balance may make feel they have little leverage to introduce a condom into their relationship.  And that by doing so will create a possible situation where by doing so will create an environment where the financial aspect is restricted or removed all together.

Another power dynamic can be an inter-generation one where one person is many years older than someone they are in a relationship with. The younger may not discuss it as they feel that the older person, in their maturity, will protect them from harm and may see the older as having most of the power in the relationship. The issue of trust also replays itself and the younger may feel that they are no longer desired and to raise such an issue shows their immaturity.  Especially for those who are new to their sexual knowledge and experience they may leave the decision of whether to use a condom to the older partner who they feel have more experience.  

As HIV changes the approach to it also has to change.  A more recent study on the rate of infidelity among lesbians and gays done by Alliant International University in San Francisco found that the number of gay men in committed relationships who engaged in infidelity has dropped in recent years. This is a chance for prevention methods to start including couples, especially long term couplings, in the discussion of HIV.

Introducing a condom in a relationship can be difficult to approach but the conversation has to start from someone especially if you’re the one in the position with doubts of fidelity. In those cases it’s not simply about HIV or other STD’s but one about the state of your relationship in general. Empowerment is the key and in that power recognizing that even in a coupled situation you still have to make decision as an individual especially when it affects your health. Not having that talk is a realization that by placing your head in the sand you may place yourself in a position where the relationship may be over but your life with an STD especially HIV is just beginning.