Learning to say no
It was about 3 in the morning when the phone rang. For most
people when the phone rings at such an early time it’s to announce bad news of
a loved one. For me I knew right away that the call was for a different
purpose. The sound of the ring seemed like a crashing of pans on the floor as
it filled the small studio space, wondering if I was waking the neighbors. In
trying to decide whether to answer the phone I stirred in the covers, battling
the growing excitement of my manhood. The phone rang louder as did the voice in
my head telling me no, don’t answer it. The voice knew that it was another
stranger, one who I had a previous sexual encounter with but who still remained
a stranger. Someone who I only knew by the twelve characters that made up their
screen name. A made up pseudonym made up of a sexual act that told you what his
intentions were without him saying a word.
He wasn't real, the stories of his
self wasn't real yet I wanted him to make me real, to have validation through
the process they call sex. I knew with each ring my response was needed and wondering
what direction was I planning on taking. Was I going to put myself in literally
a position of giving away my ‘stuff’ or was I finally going to have the
gumption to finally learn to say no.
Saying no had always been a problem for me starting from the
days when I was taken advantage of as a child. All those many years ago when I
said no it was overridden and ignored for the benefit of another. In my
powerless state I felt that the word no was stripped of any rights I had and
that who was I to say no, I was black and based in the definition of society I
had no value. And in my older years as a gay man with HIV I had even lesser
value as a person so who was I to let no fall from my lips. Even those years I
stood on my own two feet I still denied myself the power of saying no. I was a
people pleaser. I wanted to make everyone else happy and in their happiness I probably
would find my own.
My dance was how I became HIV positive. It was a first time experience
of a situation where I wanted to be liked. Where I thought I wanted to be loved
even if I didn't know your last name. Just the fact you saw me was priceless
enough. I put on a show for you to simple see me. My costume were tight fitted
clothing that showed my definitions, a
voiceless mannequin among other mannequins all fighting to be seen and admired.
Even when I was given this lifetime gift
of HIV and finally voiced ‘no’ it was too late as the deed had been done.
Learning about sex so young I thought that using your body
was how you were supposed to show your value. I thought that the way you
performed in bed was a validation as an individual and that by doing so you
mattered. In that search for validation I kept giving my stuff away again and
again not seeing how each time I was giving a piece of my soul away. Each encounter was not always about the
pleasure of sex but for you to like me enough to say one good thing about me.
Something I could hold on to until my next fix of a stranger’s praise. When I finally
opened my eye to my reality I told myself to stop and don’t do that again. But
just like I couldn't voice my ‘no’ to strangers, sadly I couldn't voice ‘no’ to
myself.
In a way I didn't want to stop my destructive behavior of
random and sometimes anonymous sex. I had HIV so little else mattered and I basically
didn't care. In that moment I didn't have to learn to say no as I was living
for the moment. The online world was my real world as I trolled profiles
looking for the next person who was going to affirm me. I lied in my
descriptions and told people what they wanted to hear as I typed away with uncontrollable
furor, my fingers seeming to have a power of their own. My sex life was like Lays potato chips, I
couldn't eat just one. The real world of becoming re-infected or getting
another sexual transmitted disease fell on my deaf ears.
It wasn't that I didn't
care but I felt when it came to my sexual urge I no longer had control. That I
knew it was wrong and I should have told myself no don’t do this to myself, but
if I couldn't say ‘no’ to myself how was I going to say it to you especially
when you tell me you’re not going to wear a condom because it doesn't feel
real. I would have died for any feeling as I become numb to my own wants and
desires. I wanted to feel real myself.
There were many moments when I would look in the mirror and
in those moments I couldn't look myself in the eye ashamed at what I was doing
and letting others do to me. I would step into my living space and see the
clutter, not only mentally but physical as around me everything was out of
place. The dirty dishes, the unmade bed, the uneaten food left on the dining
table, the days old papers strewn about all reflected my life. My home was
dirty, my thinking was dirty, and I felt my soul was dirty. I had a conversation
with myself asking why and trying to remind myself what kind of person I was.
Telling myself to think about my dreams and is this who I want to be? Reminding
myself of my talent and worth and contributions and this is not me. I would apologize
to myself and tell myself that never again would I place myself in that
position. Never again will I compromise my values for an instant gratification.
Never again.
But then my hand would direct the mouse to the online chat
room or the phone rang at the odd time of the night and my will was once again
tested. The worst part was not that I did what said I wasn’t going to do, going
back on my affirmation. The worst part was that I let myself down, again. I didn’t say no.
At first I thought it was my HIV that placed me in this irrational
place. That it was this disease in me that made me feel like I had nothing to
give but my body. It wasn't until I let myself go back past my HIV and reexamining
my child abuse that I found my reason for my self-destruction behavior. I had
shut the door on that part of my life and felt it didn't have an effect on my
present. In a way I even fooled myself into believing that it didn't happen at
all and if it did I wanted it. I didn't know then that this was my way of not
being a victim and to gain power of the situation.
But I was a victim and being a victim didn’t mean that I was
a powerless but that an unfortunate situation happened to me that was not my
fault. Pulling back the covers on my private shame I realized that I could
still say no. Say no to being victimized again. Saying no to my past abuse continue
to pull the strings of my life. Saying no to myself and that I will stop
denying myself a full healthy life. I
had within me the power to say no. By taking a step back and facing my darkness
I was able to finally see the light of my life. It was always there waiting for
me to discover it. Waiting for me to embrace it.
And when I stripped myself of past lives I did the most
wondrous thing. I learned to embrace the person that I was. I learned to accept
everything there was about me, dysfunction and all. In my imperfect life I
found perfection that I had the power to share on my own terms and no one else.
I was no longer auditioning for the attention of others but each day made sure
my own life was a showstopper for myself. I stepped away from the lies and clenched for
dear life my truths of who I was. I created my own worth.
So as the phone rang although old feelings came rising to
the surface I was now in a position to say no and by doing so emerging into the
person I wanted to be. Many years later the phone has stopped ringing and my
self-control is now in control. I live in a relationship for the past 14 years with
God and my partner on earth and my past no longer is my future. I still have
HIV but it doesn't have me and I have been rewarded greatly by simply learning to
say no.
