In Defense of Michael Sam Sr.

On February 9th, the world celebrated the coming out of the first prospective NFL football pick Michael Sam Jr. It was truly a historic moment because he would be the first active professional football player to come out as gay.  The declaration was greeted positively, even in the most unlikely corners. From social media to news outlets around the world, this was a momentous ‘coming out event’. Sadly, the one person who did not add his voice to the chorus was Michael Sam’s father. Immediately after Michael Jr’s announcement, Michael Sam Sr. was quoted by a New York Times reporter as saying, “he’s from the old school” and that “he didn’t want his grandchildren to be raised in ‘that kind’ of environment.

Michael Sam Sr. talking to reporters

Although Michael Sam Sr. claims he was misquoted, it did not stop people from saying that he was out of touch and insensitive to the needs of his own child. He has been since been labeled a homophobe on countless message boards.  He also represented the image of the African American who has struggled with accepting those who are gay.  In the days since the New York Times article was published, Michael Sr.  has himself taken to online media to explain his side of the story and counter what he says have been many misquotes.

I am here to defend Michael Sam Sr.  I understand the mix of emotions he has been experiencing since learning his son is gay. I saw my own mother go through the same range of emotions when learning that I was attracted to men. Although Michael Sam Sr. may not stand by his ‘”old school” statement any longer, my mother not only stood by it but drilled it in our heads.  She said  that being gay was not an option. She was the daughter of a Baptist preacher from Oklahoma City and her bible told her that a man lies with a woman. She would literally remind us of the many ways we would die if we were gay.

Years later, as I struggled with coming out, she was the last one I told. Although I was a grown man in my mid-twenties, the fear remained that she would carry through on one of the many threats I heard growing up. After hearing Michael Sr’s comments, I immediately heard my mother’s voice. I understood Michael Sam Sr. Many mothers and fathers don’t have the right words when their child comes out. The hard truth is that there is no rule book on what to say and not say.  How to feel or not feel.  Coming out was no doubt a huge deal for Michael Sam Jr.  But it’s a bigger deal for his loved ones. The person coming out receives all kinds of support.  But the family is simply left to assimilate and accept the news. Michael Sam Jr. had years to think about coming out, coming to terms with who he is.  Michael Sam Sr. did not have the luxury of time.

Although I don’t know Michael Sam Sr., I guarantee he loves his son.  He has said so unequivocally throughout his online media blitz. It was the same love my mother had but she showed it in a different way. 

Now that I’m older, I understand where her words came from. They came from a place of fear. She knew what lay ahead for me as a gay black man. Raised during segregation, she knew what racism looked like. She knew that, based on my skin color alone, I would have to work harder and longer than less qualified whites.  She knew that within the African American community there was hostility and hate for people who were gay.  She protected us from the regular things too.  She taught us look both ways before crossing the street and not to talk to strangers. But how could a mother protect her son from those who hate him because he’s gay?

For Michael Sam Jr. we have to be real and recognize the NFL has not been that welcoming to its gay players.  Look how the NFL treats women and plays suspected to be gay. We’re hearing comments about how some players will feel uncomfortable knowing a gay man is in the shower. I’m sure that Michael Sam Sr. is aware of the possible harm that could befall his son in this macho environment.

My mother’s protection was a way for her to try and scare the gay out of us.  She believed that her threats would deter us from being who we were.  Other parents may have other tools of protection they use when they suspect their child might be gay. It may be avoidance, it may be rejection, and it may be failed attempts at deprogramming. In the end, it’s all for naught. But these are protection mechanisms that all parents feel.  As a volunteer speaker for PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays), I’ve met many parents who have to come to terms with their child’s coming out and are fortunate to not have a national spotlight on them.  

Hearing the stories of parents in PFLAG the one word that is consistently shared is the word “fear” because, no matter what, all they want is the best for their child. But I benefit as I hear the stories of parents who received support from other parents in the program finally knowing what it means for their child to be gay and that it will be okay. The parents knowing that they have not failed as a parent to their child. My happy story was that eventually my mother came to accept me and my partner but it took time. In fact, it took years. But just as I was learning what it meant to be gay, my mother had to also learn what it meant. Coming out is a two way street.

So, rather than demonize Michael Sam Sr., think of him as representing parents who have to come to terms with the sexuality of their child. And just as the world is coming out to support Michael Jr. the same support should be offered to Sr. He represents the parents who ask the questions, “What do I do now?” Organizations like PFLAG are a great place to start having conversations with other parents who learn their child is gay. What’s not fair is turning a national spotlight on a father and expecting him to have the “right” response right away when there isn’t one. Michael Sam Sr., rest assured that it will get better.

Family Secrets

One of my sad truths that I don’t really share is my relationship or perhaps my non-relationship with my family. Before I begin, I have always had a certain feeling about people who in the public drag others on social media, so I state that is not my reason. Instead I use it as a frame to share how by not being close to family, matters such as my HIV status comes into play.

With the recent passing of the holiday’s it has now become a norm for me not to receive a call or any type of acknowledgement. This past holiday wasn't different and instead of being sad I reasoned that at least they were being consistent. The one thing that did briefly come was the sadness that despite thinking I was close with everyone, the feeling wasn't mutual. I know I could have simply picked up the phone and reached out but frankly my whole life that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m the one who has made the call or showed up unexpectedly at the front door to say help. I’m the one who has come running when there was a need and being across country I continued to be there physically. So although I could have called you finally reached that point of not wanting to be the giver. Even recently I received an email from a family member and thought maybe they were catching up. Instead it was the usual reason for reaching out, for financial assistance. It has worked in the past as I reasoned by helping they can see I want to be part of the family. It took a while for me to realize money doesn't buy love

In the early years of having HIV I was still alone in the battle despite them knowing my status. I remember doing a test where I stopped reaching out to them and wanted to see who would reach out knowing I was struggling with this new virus. I was the one who was surprised as there was no communication from any. It was that ‘Wow” moment as I thought, “I could be here on the floor unable to get up for any reason and no one cared, at least my family”. It’s hard to wrap my head around it as when we do see each other in person we’re having the greatest time, with good conversation and filling the room with laughter, but once we part the silence fills the space and goes back to being strangers.

I once asked my sister why she didn’t reach out and she let me know that they expect me to since I was so good at it. It was then I realized it was my job and I shouldn’t expect the feeling to be reciprocal. For that reason I now keep my life with HIV quiet as I feel they won’t be the support I need although knowing with their support it’d be a great addition. And not that I want them to simply see me as the big/little brother with HIV, but knowing it’s part of me I want them to be there when I want to share.

Without sounding like I’m telling anyone what to do, if I could give advice I would say don’t try to use your HIV status as leverage for someone to love you. I say that as knowing we weren’t close I thought by letting them know my big secret that it would draw them in. I built myself up to say this will be the impetus for change. Scary as it was to share it was for nothing as I didn’t get the results I was looking for. My lesson was using my status as a tool.

Living with HIV a person sometimes wants to use it to create that closeness. In my case it was with family. For others it may be a partner who shows little interest in you or it could be your way of trying to save a relationship that was never there or because of your denial, was over a long time ago. It also has created in me a song that says, ‘I don’t need anyone’. Even though I am now partnered I still find myself in moments where I feel like an orphan and don’t want to depend on anyone. Having HIV this is a bad idea as we all need support but you can’t help going to that feeling of being a loner after all it is safe and you won’t get hurt…again.

I don’t want to say that my relationship with my family is over but the truth is the truth. If they didn’t talk to each other maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much but knowing among each other they are a family and it’s just me who’s not in the loop is discouraging. In sharing this I’m not hoping to create something that is not there. I’m also sure I will get advice saying I don’t need them or family is what you make with strangers. I know that all to be the truth but there is still those small quiet moments when the hurt peeks in the back door and before the hurt makes itself comfortable, you close it tight again.

So that is my story and as I continue my life surrounded by people who love me instead of holding out for arms that are not there for me, I’ll embrace the ones that are there. Even with my struggles with life, and that includes my HIV status, instead of being bitter I hope they know despite current circumstances I love them. And perhaps this is my way of reaching out as it’s my job to do. And in my open honesty I can make peace with my family secret.