Showing Our Pride

Gay Pride.

It has so many different meanings for many people. For some it means a gathering of various LGBT communities coming together to celebrate who we are. For others it may be the time to bring awareness of what's going on in the community such as the fight for the right to marry. Others sit on the sidelines grumbling that Pride has lost its focus and that it used to have a meaning but now it's just an excuse for people to get drunk and have sex.

For me Pride is a reflection on what we do have and a recognition that although as an LGBT person things are not perfect, we still have made advances. I could be a naysayer and look at the half empty glass of pride and ask;
'Why are we still treated like second hand citizen?'
'Why is there no outcry on the rising rates of HIV/AIDS in the minority communities?'
'Why has Obama not delivered on his promises?'

There's many more examples but then there's also another side of looking at Pride.
As this is being written New York has joined the small handful of states that makes it legal for gays to marry. The move shows the progressiveness of the state but more than anything it shows what can happen when we keep the fight as a collective even when it looks like the sun will never shine on the promise. It didn't happen overnight. Yet we kept pressing our step forward and those who were on the fence or against it at first saw the fruit we held. This alone is a reason to celebrate Pride!

If we look back to how things were ten years ago, we have to acknowledge that we have made many steps, they made have been small, but they were steps that were forward. Whether it's the media, such as television shows and movies that are giving more visibility to gay members or the mainstream now joining in the backlash against those speaking negatively of people in the life. You can also see it in the faces of our youth who are coming out and expressing themselves more than they did especially when I was growing up. They represent a growing flower sprouting up out of the spoiled dirt.

To really appreciate Pride we also have to look at those who don't have that same right to celebrate. In other countries, if people were to march and have a parade there would be violence. Berlin is one example yet they still march despite the threat of harm. Or look at places in Africa where the government can invade your privacy and monitor your actions or come into your home and drag you out in the middle of the night. Public beatings or killing of gay people in the West Indies territories seem to be sanctioned.  If we really look at other global places we can see more examples where the freedoms we have is denied to others.




Again I realize we have much more work to do but there's a value in giving ourselves a time to celebrate the small victories. A opportunity to renew our spirits, our energies before we head back on the front lines in the battle for our rights.

We're so used to everything happening fast whether it's our internet connection, our technology, hell even our relationships. We want it now!!

Sorry.

 And if I was a youngster today I know my mother would turn off my home video game system that I was playing for hours and she would look at me and say

"Go out and play"

The battle will be there when we get back, but at least we'll be rejuvenated!

Happy Pride!

Closed for Repairs

Closed for repairs
My ass is closed for repairs. You see I had to do it because it was damaged and not running the way it’s supposed to run. But first let me admit it’s my fault that it got in the condition that it did. I knew it as juicy and as they say, junk in the trunk, but I let those titles let it get in the way and it started to define who I was. Nothing but a piece of meat. An objectification for someone’s unspoken fantasy. For a while I knew it wasn’t acting right but I was in denial. I was thinking that everything was fine. But the shit was broke like a bad joke.
 I started to let it…lose its way. Like a hooptie running on a spare tire, you know the wheel needs fixing but you figure since it’s still rolling you can let it get by. Pushing my luck on whispered dreams. Yet somehow it came from behind, no pun intended and it started to take over. So people stopped seeing me but they noticed that ass.
“Damn boy you packin!!” “Back that shit up!” “Let me hit that papi.” “Yo my nigga let me holla at you.” It was encouraging languages of strangers whose names even today I couldn’t tell you and my identity was morphing into what my ass wanted others to be.
I’m telling you it was doing strange shit. Shit it never did before. It was taking pictures of itself and placing it on the internet, you know, the sex site where you can either order in or have it delivered. There my ass was with no discretion, “HarlemAssforit”. Get it? Yeah it took me awhile also. But I’ll be damned if it didn’t it work. And to show how selfish my ass had become, it never allowed the face to be seen because it didn’t feel the face had no value. The online mailbox started to become filled with other’s caught in my ass web. It started to put out offers to strangers and just strange people. When I was in control it was selective but when it gained power he didn’t care who came over…I’m being politically correct, I meant came in him.
It was becoming reckless and didn’t care what the other person had swimming in their ocean. He didn’t care that sometimes the waters were dirty. He didn’t care if he was getting dirty. He cared for the instant satisfaction. You can call me an absentee landlord as I was hoping my heart would have kept an eye on things, but my heart, had its own issues. It had placed a wall around itself so it couldn’t see what was going on. There is none so blind that refuses to see.
Unchecked.
That’s what my ass was, unchecked. And the many dirty waters it let flow into him started to contaminate everything else. My eyes, my sense of touch, my feelings. My belief in love. My trust eventually my health. It grew in me a bitterness that the only reason anyone was interested in me was not for me but for what was behind me. I was drowning and it seemed I was sinking faster than I could swim. I eventually asked him what the fuck he was doing and he told me
“Yo I’m a power bottom. I got control of all these fools. I got it.”
 Control.
I’m the one who was supposed to have control. How can you have control when someone asks, “Who’ is it and you say “It’s yours”. How can you give your stuff up to someone who treats you as if you’re a multipack. You know those choices of cereals where they can get what they want without committing. One day it’s Cocoa Puffs and the next day it’s Frosted Flakes. A city filled with choices and no reason to choose just one. I was trying to tell him that the only difference between a hooker and a hoe was the fee. Is that what I was letting it turn me into, a hoe? Because I never got a dollar for all those rides. Sometimes I didn’t even get a thank you.
The only thing it was getting was empty satisfaction and an anonymous gratification that resulted in unreturned texts and unanswered phone calls to the heart.
I let it take over everything but when it went for my soul that’s when I had to step in. Hell naw I wasn’t letting you take that over. My soul was my center. It was the thing that gave me peace when all this out there was fucked up. My soul was my identity which I was slowly losing. It was the one thing that let me look in the mirror and see a reflection. It was the only thing that woke me up and gave me the 411 on what was happening. It woke me up and told me I was walking around, damaged.
Closed for repairs.
A broken piece of precious china that I had to glue back together again, one by one. Waking myself up and placing my ass in solitary.  Not as punishment but to help it find out the connection it had with me. Helping it know the difference between love and lust and lost.
It took awhile but I repaired it and now if I’m ever in a situation where someone wants to get to know it, they have to introduce themselves to my heart which also in the process tore its walls down. And if it ever comes to a case of someone asking me, “Whose is it” I’m going to tell them. It’s mine.

Words Kill

I remember when I was around 11 or 12 , my mother called me away from my brother and sisters. Taking me aside she looked at me and gave me a warning.
"If you ever turn out to be gay I'll kill you"
I didn't know where she was coming from as I never placed that title on myself, but there must have been something I did or behaved to make her feel that way. Again I was a very young man and was not sexually active, so it wasn't about that. Yet I do recall how she would tell me to stand straight and quit standing like a girl or how I was not suppose to have my wrist limp. And even though internally I did know that there was something different about me, she went ahead and placed a name on it.
And she not only placed a name on it but she followed it with a threat on my life.
From the moment I heard that threat I spent most of my teen and even young adult life, not giving her validations that I was gay. I was literally scared that she was going to follow through with her threat. The person who I looked to for protection, who gave me birth, who fed me, who was supposed to guide me through this huge world, was now something I feared.
As most may have known by now there's a controversy with comedian Tracy Morgan, a actor on the show 30 Rock and a stand up comedian. The controversy stems from his anti-gay, homophobic assault of which he hid in what he called humor. A part of his so-called humor piece is when he described how he would stab his son if he felt his son was gay. Hearing this, I got flashback to my own experience with my mother.
Reading the after-effect and how he's being called to task, of course you knew the generic
" I'm sorry" was to come along, yet I have to ask him what is he really sorry about? The fact that he was called out for his hate or was he truly sorry that he sent a message that those who are gay deserve harm, even if it's from the parents.
Words kill.
The scary thing is that some people buy into what Tracy says and agrees with him although unlike Tracy they may not have a stage to say it aloud. You even see it on the message boards as people feel that it's comedy so what's the problem. Or it's a routine that shouldn't be taken seriously. In that argument I find so many double standards.
First as a black man his routine was filled with the word, "nigger", a hateful word of which he even attached to his son before stating how he would kill him. Every other comedian from Micheal Richards to other non-black performers, when they have used that word, there's a huge outcry yet I suppose when you're black it's okay. I wonder if my ancestors who heard the word "nigger" as their life slipped from them as they hung from the tree would feel the same.
Second to even suggest that people who are bullied are trying to get attention is such a ignorant statement and I wonder if he could ask the men and women, young and old, who were killed because of their sexuality would agree.
Lastly as an African-American man for me he gives a perfect reason why we have black men who are on the "downlow". Although as I stated in another blog "downlow" is not just black men, we also have to recognize that in the black community it's not acceptable to be gay. After hearing Tracy words and if I was his son and suppose his son was gay, there's no way I would come out.
I know for me after hearing my mother's words I didn't live the life i wanted to live. I lived the life that others thought I was supposed to live. So I pretended to be sexually attracted to girls, I displayed a machismo attitude and all the time while playing as an actor I lived a life of misery.
People are stating that maybe he's gay as those who speak the loudest about it has something to hide, yet whether he is or not, that's his business. What affects me is a public display of hate that reinforces homophobia, especially in the black community.
I do think he still owes a sincere apology but not to me or to others. I think the apology should be directed to his son as a parent should be a parent and love the life they brought into the world and not use their child as a punchline in such a vicious way. That's where the sorry should begin.
I repeat words kill no matter if you wrap it in a song, a joke or a warning. If Tracy is sincere in his apology, he should speak to the families whose children were killed. He should donate to agencies that are fighting to end the stigma. He should simply shut up and take some old school advice, if you can't say something nice, then don't say nothing at all. And to quote Sidney J. Harris, “We have not passed that subtle line between childhood until..we have stopped saying "It got lost," and say "I lost it"
Tracy Morgan you have lost it!

When Will the Church Get It!

"If children start to believe that it's okay to be gay then they will 

think it will okay to be a pedophile or have sex with animals."

This is quoted word for word from pastor Dr. Ronald Ferguson of Antiloch 

Church of God based in Harlem. He was referring to the second 

annual celebration of gay pride in Harlem called Harlem Pride. 

When I read this in the NY Daily News last week I went through many emotions,

shocked, disappointment, anger and disbelief that someone who not only 

calls himself a pastor but also calling himself a doctor would say something

so asinine.

But really I should not have been surprised as the church position; 

especially black churches that are stuck in the past along with the

irrelevant NAACP.

That'll be another entry. For me it seems to be older voices, or if we have 

to call them leaders, who are stuck in the past and not aware of the world

changing around them.

When will churches get it? 

I know the pastor doesn't speak for all churches but in all honesty he's 

voicing what other churches are preaching to their congregation. 

And like a bad cold, that information contaminates the thinking of individuals 

who spreads their hate into the community. What's shocking is that to this day

black churches refuses to acknowledge that there are people living in the 

community who are not only gay but also living with HIV. And that around those
same churches people of color are the ones who are the highest rate of getting

HIV. They are invisible because of the message that comes from the pulpit. 

When it comes to rates of infection, Harlem is one of the hardest hit areas. 

And to have someone make such a comment and have it in print only keeps stigma 

of being gay alive and blocks those who look to the churches as a tapestry of 

their well being.

It also forces gay members to enter the church in silence.

Personally I would never be part of a church that fuels hatred and ignorance, 

Yet not everyone has my or even your temperament.In the black community, 

although they perform the actions, they are many who still don't accept 

the term gay, so what the preacher is preaching they may feel doesn't apply to

them. In other words not everyone is ready to wear the rainbow colors. 
The last time I looked the role of a preacher was to lead and not to divide. 
It also strikes a hypocritical cord with me as there are some church leaders 

who hate gay people during the day yet seem to find an attraction to us during

the darkness of the night. Isn't that right Bishop Eddie Long and those in the

church who cover up the many abuse of children. That one was for you Pope. 

But we don't talk about the elephant in the room.
Yet in all fairness not all leaders of churches shares the same sentiment 

and we can't lump them all together. There are some black churches that have

made an affirming environment regardless of who you are. And I've also met 

some individual pastors of color who has a "come as you are" philosophy. 
Aside from them though I think for many in the church the only time they find

comfort with us is when we put a wig on and call ourselves Madea or if we're 

entertaining you in the choir causing you to clap and stomp your feet to 

the singing. 
People quote from the bible but also those same people conveniently tell 

you passages which are taken out of context. If we really were to follow 

the many things the bible called a sin, we would all be sinners.

Yet it's better to take passages out of context to suit their agenda.

Speaking to kids, the one thing I stress to them is that no matter what 

you believe that everyone deserves respect and if your God tells you to hate

any of his children, I would start to question what God I'm worshiping.

Scriptures are meant to elevate not denigrate.

This hate is getting old and I know for me my gospel is one of inclusion

so I ask preachers and those who blindly follow, what's yours?

For the pastors who speak out against the Harlem Pride, 

I say don't pray for me, I'll pray for you.

It seems you need it more than me.

Man's Best Friend

I'm in a situation where I have two souls that require much of my attention when I'm home. They may not realize it but they have it good. They don't have to go to work. They can sleep all day if they chose. When it comes to food, not only do they don't have to make it but it's served to them on time each day. The best part is that they don't have to pick up after themselves, literally. But it's a relationship I wouldn't trade for anything.
Hope and Parker.
My two beagles that make it a pleasure to come home. Even before I turn the key in the door you can hear the excitement, even though I left them alone for the last 7 hours. In some relationships with men, if you leave them alone for 7 hours you get attitude, but my girls have nothing but love which consists of running in a circle and planting kisses on me.
If you read some studies, they warn those who have HIV about pet ownership because of the compromised immune system and the precautions one should take as pets may transmit some diseases.
For me I throw that caution out the window as my pets have given me nothing but calm, affection and showed me the ability to love. Regardless of the risks, many people living with HIV choose to keep pets because they are fun to care for and have many psychological advantages. Pets cannot only provide entertainment and companionship; they can comfort people-both in sickness and health.
I'm not ashamed to say it but sometimes I prefer to be around my dogs than people. I love each for their different personality.
Hope-who was the first one to join the family, was something as a puppy. She was stubborn. To the point we got kicked out of puppy training class. Even today she is the most mischievous. She's discovered the dishwasher and knows that when loading it there's still some food on the plates, so if you dare leave the door down she'll be in the dishwasher trying to do the job of the machine. Or the time when out of the blue she jumped into the Hudson River, just because, but she swam back as if nothing was wrong. And I'm still trying to figure out how she's getting into the tall trash can that you have to push a pedal to open. Even in our stare down battle, she'll win by rushing to me and giving me five minutes of kisses all over my face. How can I compete with that? I even wonder if in her previous life if she was a cat as she doesn't like to be held yet at night she finds that area behind your knees and cuddles close.
Then there's Parker. She's the opposite of Hope as she always wants to be held or touched. If I was to enter the house without bending down to give her a kiss she would follow me until I submitted. One thing about her is that she loves the sound of cellophane. If I want to enjoy a Kraft single cheese slice, I have to turn on the kitchen faucet to drown out the noise of her hearing the cellophane. But if she hears that sound, there she is!
They have truly been true companions and the greatest thing is that they just want to be close to you. I know the hardest part for me will be when they leave as they have a short life span, yet I read something that was so profound.
It said that the reasons dogs life are so short is because they come into the world ready to give love with no conditions and they share this gift with humans so that they can learn to love the same way. I've learned that lesson well.
I have a hard time to thinking of any human who can do the same.
They make me want to manage my HIV as I know they depend on me to be there. And as long as I have breath they can count on that.
Make no mistakes pet ownership is not easy as there's a huge commitment, but believe me if you're tired of dealing with the drama of humans, pets make it so worth having!
They truly are this man's best friend!!

Does it Really Get Better?

For those not in the know there's a viral campaign on the internet of famous and not so famous people who are creating personal videos under a project called, "It Get's Better" which can be found on Youtube.
I have mixed feelings about the campaign. On one hand I think it's great that someone is doing something as I learned it's easier to criticize than to do something about something.
So I speak of this not to speak out against but to question the long term effect of the message.
Does it really get better?
As a man in his forties I say, yes it got better for me but it took me until my mid thirties to make that declaration. They say when you're coming out you're always coming out. Which even I can relate to as even now depending on the situation I'm in, maybe for safety reason, such as riding the subway at 1 in the morning, I'm not going to flash my sexuality. The reason is not because of shame but I know the realities of this world and the tolerance. I'm also aware of the ignorance that exists. and for those in school they have it rough as they may experience homophobia not just from their peers but even from the people who are suppose to protect them, their teachers or the teaching staff. it may feel like they have no one to turn to.
The message of "It Get's Better" also comes off as passive to me. It's almost like , "hang in there and take it, the sun will come out tomorrow" By then it's to late for many, especially youth who have been hanging there and can no longer take the abuse whether verbal or physical.
Here in NYC with the increase of violence against LGBT some ending in death, I think a clearer message would be, "This Stops Now".
The hate, "Stops Now"
The verbal abuse, "Stops Now"
The hindering of my rights, "Stops Now"
I don't want to wait for it to get better. I don't want something that belongs to me, 'the right to be me" i now have to wait for you to dispense it to me.
And as an African-American man, even if it gets better I still have other factors to be concerned about such as racism and even rejection from my own LGBT community based on the color of my skin.
I want that to "Stop Now"
So yes it gets better but it's not going to get better with you holding out for it. You’re going to have to fight, and scream and make yourself visible for it to get better. Take back what's yours, the right to be.
And if people feel the videos are really effective then I would like to see more color representation and hear their stories. I saw some people of color but most were middle class or represented an LGBT agency. And it's not just a color thing, I want to hear from those in rural areas where they're more at risk than a large city or people with different religious faiths.
I want to hear the voices of people in poor or neglected communities. I want to hear how it gets better for them. I have yet to see their stories.
But to those young and reading these words, there is some truth. It does get better but it's not going to happen overnight. And you have to be wise because if you're underage living at home and come out, make sure you have a a support system in place. I know too many kids who have been kicked out of their homes and become homeless. You have to sense who's safe and who will accept you after your reveal.
We should help folks feel seen-by trying our hardest to see them.
But let's lose the passive tone and start making some noise!!
That's the only way it's going to get better!

The Cost of Having HIV

I recently had a conversation with a young man who was recently diagnosed as having HIV. For his privacy I'll call him John. He lived here in Brooklyn and was 22 years of age. Upon hearing him having the disease and being able to relate to him as I had it at a young age, my main concern was his state of being and how he was handling the news.

To my surprise he was nonchalant about it. In fact what he told me next shook me more than knowing he was infected. He told me that he didn't mind having the virus because just like his friends he could now get benefits from the city.

In his mind he saw having HIV as an advantage and a easy access to housing, medical care, transportation and other benefits that other agencies provide for those living with HIV. It was like he had hit the jackpot.

I had heard about this new trend but there had seemed to be two sides to what he was saying.There's those who say it's not as easy to get benefits as some may think and then there are those who say that having the disease is a financial unburdening.

Yet working at a HIV organization I saw some of the points he was talking about. There seemed to be an incentive to having HIV. At many agencies in NYC to encourage you to find out your HIV status they provide you with an incentive which could be anything from a metrocard which is used to get on the subway or maybe a gift card that can be used at any store. Some will even throw in a movie ticket. 

Personally I have always been on the fence for providing incentives for people to check on their health. Why get tested for what you will get instead of getting tested because you want to know what the status of your health. Why be rewarded for taking care of yourself and what long term monster are we creating?

The agency I work at is not immune to what I speak of and there has been many internal discussions on whether we should foster people to come seek support by dangling a carrot in their face.

Other support groups here in NYC attract members with enticement of food, free transportation and other gifts. Most of the time agencies do this to compete with other agencies as it all comes down to numbers. Based on their contract with their funders they have to have a certain amount of people in the groups. Therefore many agencies compete with each other to offer the best incentive and the clients know this. This was confirmed by John who had all the agencies and what they offered down to a science. 

Although he already knew his status, he knew that in a single day he could go to this agency to get a gift card, then he could make his way to another agency and get a HIV test and get another gift card and head uptown to fill out a survey and get another incentive, ending his day by going to a group and getting another metrocard and a free meal. this is just in one day.

I do have to say that not all people are like John. there are some with sincere needs as they may not have the economics to have a healthy meal or need help with transportation, yet there seems to be a growing trend of people like John who see the benefit of having HIV.

It's sad as you think of others who may be homeless or kicked out of their home because of their sexuality and of those group, not all, but some having the mindset that if I get HIV I don't have to worry about being homeless as I will be provided for.

What many don't think of is the long term effect of having HIV. Yes the rewards may be there now but with so many cutbacks each year, many agencies are now starting to cut back on incentives as well as cities, especially here in NYC is starting to make it hard for that easy ride. What will those folks do then. Will they still manage their health with no incentive.

If I could rewind the clock for John, I would tell him that it was not worth it. The easy road is usually the hardest. Yet when you're homeless and have no other source of income, what is one to do. It's easy for me to judge as I'm not in their shoes and I've been blessed with having comforts.

Yet here in NYC we have to look at the long term enabling we are doing. Other states and regions may not offer what NYC does but looking back at NYC we have to instill in people to find their status on their own free will and not because of a reward. We have to encourage people to go to support groups not only for the food and gifts, but because of the help you will receive in dealing with this disease.

I don't want to sound like a old man but when I was positive and in a support group in my twenties, living in Minneapolis, I went there to lessen the loneliness of having HIV. Some days at the group you were lucky to get a potato chip. But that was not my reason for going.

And again I speak from experience as I saw someone leave when they came to the agency and discovered no metro cards were being handed out that day. 

The cost of HIV seems to be free right now but we, meaning funding sources and agencies that service those with HIV have to go to the classic model of teaching one to fish and not giving it to them. If not we're setting them up for a fall and have no one to blame but ourselves