Giving Back To HIV

It's hard to believe that the holiday season is once again upon us. In several weeks we'll be passing the turkey and gravy and soon after that opening gifts. Yet not everyone will have this experience as holidays can do the opposite of making you feel connect and instead can remind you of the disconnect you have either with your friends, family or people in general.

I know for myself I hated the holidays as I was not close with my family and the actual holiday reminded me of my loneliness. I just couldn't wait for Thanksgiving to be over so I didn't have to be reminded. Happily life make changes and I'm not in the same place I used to be as I now have cultivated a circle of friends and reestablished relationships with family.

I always believe that no matter what you're going through that someone is going through something worse than you. You may have the ability to leave your house and feel the cold air on your skin, to walk unassisted with canes or walkers and fortunate enough to admit your health is good.

For others, especially with HIV they are sometimes home-bound and don't have that luxury. Some would love to complain about their commute to work as it meant they could leave the house and also it meant they had a job to go to, yet based on their condition they're stuck in a house sometimes with no support from others.

I'm offering a cure for those who feel that the holidays bring out their reflection of depression. The cure is to give back to those in need. Challenge yourself to volunteer your time at many food programs offered for home-bound HIV residents and make a difference. Here in New York City we have several, the biggest one being God's Love We Deliver, a daily program that utilizes volunteers to prepare meals and delivers them to clients throughout the city. Thanksgiving is one of the biggest day and the biggest need for volunteers.

By giving back you can make that Thanksgiving a day of removing any remorse and make it truly a day of giving and receiving thanks. You can also be an important person who can make an impact on someone's life. Even if you don't live in NYC just Google for local agencies in your community looking for volunteers this holiday. I say this now as many agencies are preparing for the big day and usually they may have you attend a brief training.

The greatest thing is it brings you out of that bubble of not having and places you in a position of realizing what you truly do have, the power to make a difference. At the end of the day you still may have issues with your family members, still dealing with your health and friends who may not be who you want them to be, but there's therapeutic value in helping others. And from my experience of volunteering you always make a new friend who is also giving their time.

HIV may have taken so much for you but show it you have the power and give back to those living with HIV and make a difference not only for someone in need but also yourself! Give back to HIV!

On Bended Knee

I have a condition that most who know me are aware of but don't understand. In fact I don't understand it myself. I'm not talking about my HIV status but something that has affected me for the last three years.

I can't bend my knee.

It started in my right leg and the first time it happened I thought it was just my leg falling asleep as I would soon gain mobility as the day progressed. Eventually it got to the point where the stiffness I was experiencing started to stay around much longer. I was puzzled to what it was and as if I didn't have enough to deal with already.

I questioned if it had to do something with my current medicine regime. At the time my body was resistant to all medications based on my inability to take my medication on a timely basis. Because of my actions, there was nothing to prescribe as my body was rejecting everything. The only option for me was to inject myself twice a day with a drug called Fuzeon. This involved a needle of which I had no problem with others inject me, but doing it to myself brought out my fears. Luckily or maybe unlucky for me I was eligible for a study of a needless gun called a Bio-Injector where it shoots the liquid medication through your skin by using small carbon monoxide cartridges.

Although I could shoot myself anywhere I chose my right leg as it was more convenient. Sometimes it hurt; sometimes it was like a mosquito bite. Ironically it was around the same time that I started to feel the stiffness in my right leg. Needless to say I stopped the study right away.

Yet three years later I'm still dealing with the after effect. I've been playing Scooby Doo wondering if the Bio-Injector was responsible or was there something else going on. So far in my investigation I've been to three top notch hospitals and in each my case is like an episode of the X-Files. The doctors just can't understand what's going on with my leg. I've gotten diagnoses from polymyostis to 'stiff person syndrome' to “we just don’t know”.

And the worst part of not knowing is that they throw drugs at you hoping it will work; only it ends up as a band-aid. So I have had my experience with Presidone (steroids) to Valium which relaxes your muscles but has an addicting factor. As well as compromising your immune system even further.

So currently exploring hospital #4 and hope I can find answers there. As it's a immune disease it's frustrating, yet I see others in worse shape in me in wheelchairs or using walkers and I remind myself not to complain, Until I find out what's going on we're going all natural with acupuncture, treadmill, swimming and stretching.

Lessons if any to be learned. It’s never about the disease. There are always side effects that your body exhibits. For those who think it's all about taking a pill, think again. The virus branches out and affects other parts of your body and it's not always an easy fix. I may still be able to climb the mountains displayed in the ads, just going to take a little longer.

Yet what keeps me going and not complaining is remembering that no matter what I'm going through, there's always someone worse off than me. So still finding blessings in my discomfort. Taking that into account I may not be able to have a bended knee but I can stand tall in the struggle!

Interview with a Doctor

I think one of the most important parts of your health care is choosing a doctor that you feel comfortable with as this person will be someone you'll be sharing your most private information. Yet some once they're HIV diagnosed may go to a health provider and have such a bad experience that they may not continue and lose out on getting a handle on their health.

You have to learn self-advocacy skills because once you're behind those closed doors you're on your own. I had to learn that it takes awhile to learn such skills. My own memories recall the first doctor I had. I was fortunate as on the first day he gave me a tool that I use to this day. He basically told me to question his advice and if something doesn't feel right, to ask questions and not just accept his prescribing of meds.

Of course I couldn't go crazy and just be resistance to everything he told me, but he gave me that room to ask questions when I was unsure about something, whether it was necessary to take certain pills, what did my blood work mean and was I placing myself at risk if I did certain acts in my relationships.

When it was time to part ways because of his job change I had those tools he gave me, yet ran into doctor who didn't have the same mindset of being questioned. There are some doctors who get lost in the numbers that follow their name and feel they know it all. I'll never forget after being in my 20th year of having this virus, my new doctor who couldn't have been that much older than me, trying to give me a sex education lesson on how to live with HIV. I know I shocked him when I told him I'd been living with this disease longer than he has been practicing it. It wasn't said out of cockiness but it was clear he didn't even read my file to learn who I was.

He learned that day.
So in the most simple ways to find a good doctor you should do the following:

1. Interview the doctor. Ask about their background and experience. Being African-American and recognizing there are different things I may have to deal with such as high blood pressure and diabetes, asking them what was their knowledge of African-American health issues. I'm literally placing my life in your hands and I want to know what you know and most importantly your experience.

2. Question medical diagnosis- This is where it can become tricky because after all they're the ones with the doctorate degree, but if you're being prescribed something that you're unfamiliar with ask what will do this do to me once I swallow it. Find out the side effects and if it's a medication that is difficult to take as you may not have a place to keep it in the fridge or eat meals at the same time of the day, you may want to see if there's other choices.

3. Google away- This also has some faults as some people can be bias when posting a review on the internet as well as be vindictive because the anonymity the internet provides but more people are writing their opinions about their doctor visits and placing it on the web. After a thorough search for a new provider it helped me find a doctor that sounded like we would be a good match. There were some that looked promising but after reading several different reviews on how unprofessional they were or how they were always late for appointments, it made my choices easier and saved me from wasting my time going to an office visit where the negative reviews were validated.

4. Being able to say it's not going to work- As stated before, your relationship with your doctor is just like any other relationship. Sometimes on that first visit you hit it off as you can feel their listening to you and hearing your concerns. Other times you catch them watching the clock as you're trying to explain to them about the pain in your leg. Often times the non-verbal speak louder than the verbal. But before you dismiss them have a talk with them about your concern and I emphasize the word, talk, and not giving attitude. And if you still feel it's not a fit, let them know and find another provider

Finding a good health provider is so important especially in this age when doctors are under pressure to see as many patients in a day based on the clinic they work in. Yes doctors have quotas also, so sometimes it feels like you're in a turnstile as you just sat down and already you're out the door.

If you have good insurance often private doctors are sometimes more desirable than clinics, but there are many clinics that give excellent one-on-one service that is unmatched by a private doctor. It's all about doing your research and knowing what works for you. Knowing your comforts, such as do you prefer a female over male, someone gay over straight and someone the same ethnicity as you? But whatever your preference is don't just miss your medical appointments because of a bad experience.

Take your care in your hand and learn the skill of speaking your mind!

The 'forgotten' Community

When it comes to HIV prevention messages, most of the time the messages center on two groups, men who have sex with men and of these campaigns, it’s mostly men of color. The second targeted campaigns are directed to women, a group that is rising in rates of infection.

Yet there’s another community that most HIV prevention doesn’t target or seems to not have on their radar. I call that group the ‘forgotten’ community or more commonly known as men of color who identify as straight. In this absence of direct marketing we have a situation where complacency is fostered and the education of protecting oneself against HIV is irrelevant as the messages in not targeting straight men creates a self-dialogue where a heterosexual man may think, “I’m not gay therefore I don’t have to worry about HIV”. An unfortunate statement that is far from the truth.

           

Thank God for a new program introduced by Iris House which is based in Harlem and has an office in the Bronx which has taken the initiative to give focus to this overlook community. The program is called Keepit100nyc with the subheading of ‘Love Your Life” a program designed for men of color between the ages of 18-24. As reported by the Executive Director of Iris House Ingrid Floyd she makes it clear that ‘it takes a village’ as she lays out the approach of the interventions.

           

I’ve always felt that when it came to any type of HIV interventions within the community, overlooked are the neighborhood members who are either directly or indirectly affected by this disease. Harlem is one of the hardest hit areas when it comes to rates of infection and recognizing that Iris House uses several innovated ways to reach straight identified men. The first way is that it trains and works with local barbers to provide information and education on HIV to its patrons. This reduces barriers of men who may avoid agencies that provide HIV interventions based on the stigma of simply walking in the physical building itself.

Anyone familiar with barbershops know that it’s a conduit of information as men talk about random issues and as you wait for your turn in the chair you are privy to the conversations happening even if you’re not participating in the talks. This over hearing of info, especially when its of HIV interventions is ideal as there’s something of value when you hear straight men talking of a subject that is usually sung by gay men, of which a straight man may dismiss based on the sexuality of the messenger.

According to Keepit100nyc coordinator Serge Jean, he discusses the most important part of the intervention which has participants in the program which is called Nia Interventions. Nia which is Swahili for ‘purpose’ is a six hour, two to four session small group interventions. The goals of this intervention are to educate African American men about HIV/AIDS and its effect on their community, bring groups of men together, increase motivation to reduce risks, and help men learn new skills to protect themselves and others by promoting condom use and increasing intentions to use condoms.

           

Videos of straight men talking to their female sexual partners of condom usage and even discussing safe sex with their homeboys bring an authentic feel as media plays a big part of not only how we learn about HIV but again it breaks and shatter the myth that only gay men are affected by this disease.

By showing real situations in the videos that straights can identify with, it debunks the falseness of straight men and condom usage and informs them that condom usage with their female partners are not just about preventing pregnancy. It also introduces the most important piece which is how you talk to your female partner about using condoms without the face of mistrust or one of the partners cheating appearing. It makes condom usage a symbol of caring about the health of yourself and your partner.

           

For those who test positive the program also provides case management which can help navigate participants to better care and support which goes beyond the programs interventions. Most importantly it connects men to health care within their community without the belief that quality care only exist outside your zip code.

           

I feel that when it comes to HIV we all should be talking about it. It’s not about focusing on how you identify sexually. It’s about how to make accessible information to those who may not check off on the intake sheet that they’re gay.

 It’s making the invisible, visible and most of all it’s about keeping it real and recognizing that we can no longer have a ‘forgotten’ community and especially in communities of color, shattering that fairy tale that straights are not affected. We have to become affected, no matter how we identify, before we become infected.

Hats off to you Iris House for keeping it real and helping men of color love their life!!

For more info click on the link or go to Keepit100nyc.org

The Pity Party is Over

 So now you know that you got HIV, the 'bug' or maybe you've called it the Monster in your circle. Whatever you call it, you have it so now what?

Before you get to deep into this post I have to warn you that this is not an Oprah moment but a frank reality check that may offend and shock but hopefully wake you to your situation. This isn’t the time to tiptoe.

Now that you’re carrying the disease you now have two choices with your life: you can live or you can die.

For those who choose to die stop reading now and start planning your funeral.

For those who choose life, realize that the pity party is over and you have no one to blame but yourself. I know that may sound harsh but we're not in the infancy of this disease but it is something that has been here for three decades. Like my mother would say, “you should have known better”.

It's time to start taking responsibility that you chose to have sex unprotected and yes your partner had the disease but you can’t blame him for giving you the virus. The responsibility also fell on your shoulders when you decided to open your legs or got on your back without a simple piece of latex as a barrier.

You're not living in a Beyonce video. By putting a ring on it doesn't make him monogamous. We sometimes get so wrapped up in the package we don’t take time to see what’s in the box. We think we’re that person’s first but you should assume they were infected and not accept the online status where they marked negative or they’ve given the answer you wanted to hear just for a booty call.

Now it's time to put the blame and accusations away in the cupboard and take accountability for your life and stop telling yourself you don't want to die from this disease. You're going to die from something no matter who you are and sometimes when we become infected we spend our living life worried about death that we forget how to live. We allow ourselves to become the walking dead. Focus on the life you have as imperfect as it is. Thank God you're alive to recognize its imperfect value.

Lift your head and quit telling yourself you deserved it. Stop saying you deserved it because you’re poor or you’re a person of color or you didn’t have a role model. Those are just excuses we build around ourselves to take away the ownership of our actions.

How can we blame poverty as the cause when most every city in this country has a fishbowl of free condoms sitting on someone desk? If you’re ashamed of getting a free condom just use that same fearfulness you use to have sex with a random stranger to propel you to get over that shame.

Now that you have it know that this is going to mess you up mentally. As strong as we want to be we underestimate the beating down you will experience mentally. You may look in the mirror for sores or weight loss or skin issues, but just know that just knowing you have this disease makes an imprint on your mental psyche. Something you won’t see when you look in the mirror.

Take ownership of your anger, your denial, and your depression and have them stop leading you. Turn your position around and step in front of them as you should be determining your footsteps. So get the help you need as you’re not on this journey alone.

And get ready for a storm of stigma and discrimination and a wave of ignorance from people who will never know the shoes you’re walking in. But remember you’re not living your life for them. You’re living your life for you. Stand strong and know you have as much a right to be here as they do. And whatever you do don’t feel like you have to audition for their affection or attention. This especially goes for family. We can easily make new friends, but we can also build a new family if they decide to not accept you for you. This is a new you and if they can’t accept you for who you are, move on. They are the ones losing.

But now that you know, know that you’re not broke. You’re still a whole person with the same soul. You’re still standing so use that stand to define the life you want to live.

But most importantly don’t stop living. The disease doesn’t define who you are; you define how that disease will fit into your life.

Now that you know move whatever is blocking your blessings and press on!

Dancing to Hate

One of my favorite forms of music is R&B, having grown up listening to artist like Earth, Wind and Fire, the Ohio Players and soon being introduced to artists such as Prince and the only lady in the world I would turn straight if she asked me to, Janet Jackson.

Soon rap was thrown in that mix but not to sound old but when rap was introduced by artists such as Sugerhill Gang and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, it was fun and touched on social issues that were affecting the black community. They created unity through their expression of music by bringing to light the issues of poverty, racism and black unity.

You never heard the word, "nigger' or 'faggot' or any other derogatory comments. Women were not told to bend over and shake that ass and manhood was not defined by how much bling you had or what designer labels covered your body.

Yet a shift happened. Rap artists and the music they sang changed. What was once empowering was now manufacturing language of hate and objectification. It seemed that manhood was defined on reducing those who were gay to less than and it became the norm for homophobic lyrics to work their way onto the dance floor.

It has even reached a point where certain artist through what they call music suggests that we 'kill the faggots', sending orders to young men of color who sometimes don't have the mental maturity to know the difference between right or wrong. Or worse, the music reinforces the beliefs they have been raised with by either their family or the church and peers in the community.

In a perfect world it would be nice for well known rappers produce lyrics that speak against such hate. Yet to do so would bring suspicion on them and have people and various African-American social media outlets wondering if they are gay. There's a certain website in particular of which I won't name simply because I don't want to help with their boost in viewers who questions any man who hugs or is in close approximately to another man as being suspect. 

They would really gag if they were overseas as in other countries such as the Middle East men hold hands while walking and embrace each other or give a peck on the cheek as a form of goodbye. Even though they are not gay such actions in America would be construed as gay.

The biggest hypocrisies is that there are many rappers who are gay yet would never dare to put that label on them. In the eye of the public they may sing to us how it's sickening to be gay and at night they're doing the actions that they condemn. I'm fortunate enough to have friends who work in the industry and have had personal eyewitness accounts of well known rappers who are anti-gay yet have a taste for the male flesh. Unfortunately this is not a column on outing people, mostly as I feel that outing is not an effective way for people to accept their identity and also it provokes people who may be considered coming out, less likely based on the public reaction which is surrounded by gossip and not support.

To be fair not all rappers condone hateful language. Artists such as Kayne West, Russell Simmons and The Game state they have no issues with those who are gay. They are but a few who have given public support. In mentioning The Game I respect his public comments in his support for 'gays' but sometimes when you take a step forward you inadvertently take a step back. In a recent article he states that he's comfortable with 'them' but blames them for the spread of AIDS in the linked website.
The Game on gays

It's sad to say but in this age and with the accessible information, people think only someone gay is either at risk or has the ability to pass along AIDS. Anyone, regardless of sexuality and race can get or pass along AIDS.

A serious dialogue has to be created about this type of thinking and behaviors of rappers spreading their messages of hate. The best way to hit rappers is where it hurts, their wallets. Whether you're gay or not by not supporting an artist who wrap their beats in hate, a message can be sent that it won't be tolerated. And even though the beats may be jamming and and you tell yourself 'it's my song' we have to draw a line and say this is not acceptable.

I know it hurts as I have had to erase from my IPod certain songs that have the inclusion of derogatory themes. And in not to be a hypocrite but it's not just songs that demonize gays but also the ones that treat women as if they are a piece of meat.

Will my actions change anything? Who knows? But in unity we can move mountains but for me the dancing to hate is over and I only dance for love. When it comes to hateful lyrics, I bow out gracefully.   

How do we address rappers who spread their homophobic beliefs through their beats?

Death before Dying

From September the 4th to the 10th of 2011 around the country, it's National Suicide Prevention Week. It's not a glamorous topic to write about but we have to recognize the impact it has for individuals, especially those who are LGBT youth as well as adults.

My own brush with suicide was in my early twenties. I was at a place where I felt rejected by everyone, my family, friends and in a way myself. At the time it felt I was living someone else life as I was struggling with not only my sexual identity but also the fact that I had this thing in me called HIV.
It was a suffering in silence as I dared not share my secret with anyone for fear of rejection as well as condemnation.

I can still remember when I made my attempt. It was after a time when I was crying for help without crying for help, if that makes any sense. I wanted people to ask how I was doing but everyone seemed to be to busy with their own lives. So I reached out to people hoping that they could read my mind and know I had these thoughts of taking myself out of the game, but unfortunately whatever signals I was putting out was being missed.

So there I was alone in my small apartment, sitting at a small table with a phone and a bottle of Tylenol. The phone was in case someone's spider sense kicked in and they knew what I was about to do. I would even occasionally pick up the phone to make sure it was working, and it was. The dial tone made it seemed no one cared.

I opened the Tylenol bottle and stared at the full bottle and each one went from my hand to my mouth. Eventually before I knew it the bottle was half empty, just like my life. I already felt that I was dead before the actual act of dying.
Thankfully I got the nerve to pick up that phone one last time and make one last attempt to reach out and this time instead of playing the guessing game I let the person know what I did. They reacted right away and got me help. I made it.

Yet there are many who don't make it. especially when looking at LGBT youth.According to National American Association of Suicidology they report that gay high school students and those unsure of their sexuality were 3.4 times more likely to have attempted suicide in the last year as compared to their peers. It's hard to get an accurate number of how many attempts are successful as sexual orientation and gender are not often on death certificates.
For African Americans suicide is the third leading cause of death among African-American youth, ages 10-19. In other words suicide is not something that only white people do.

Although it's a depressing topic, I feel this week is important as it wakes us up to the reality of suicide as a choice. I know for myself, it would have made such a big difference if someone had reached out to me instead of me reaching out to them. Yet now there are resources where you can call and no matter what your sexual identity or issue, someone is available to speak to you by phone without judgement.

Because of the stigma and identity issues LGBT encounter, if you're a friend, whether gay or straight, we should take a few minutes out of our lives and check on our friends and family.  There's a value in reaching out and just letting them know that whatever they may be going through, they're not alone and you're there for them. Or you know someone you can connect them with to talk before they act.

The one thing we can't do is turn back the hands of time. Something I wish I could have done when a friend last November took his life because he couldn't handle being gay. Knowing I spoke to him two days before he did it. I wish I knew what to look for.

To get more information on suicide and what to look for in others who may be contemplating it go to The National Suicide Prevention Week website. There's also resources for those who may be thinking they have no other options.

Know that although life is not what you want it to be and you may feel you're stuck in a corner remember that sometimes to get to the sun we have to make it through the clouds. We all need that support and through that support we can remove thoughts of dying with images of life.