Black Shame and HIV

Black Shame and HIV

When I was diagnosed with HIV the one thing I wanted to do was to tell my ma. Growing up your ma is your rock and the one you call especially when something goes wrong. Instead of telling her my news I did the very opposite, I kept it from her as best as I could. In a weird way I would have had an easier time with telling her I was gay if I didn’t have a shame about being HIV. My shame was feeling like I disappointed her. That the son she thought would give her grandchildren would instead bring her embarrassment from family and friends and be the walking abomination they preach in church each week. Thinking I finally had the courage to tell her I would be stopped by the dialogue running in my head.  “That’s what you get for being gay” “This happens to people like you”. Others may be fortunate but whether it’s the family or some other relationship, it seems for many gay black men there exists an unspoken shame that may be one of the factors that contributes to the rise of HIV.

Unlike the shame other races feel in the LGBT community, black gay men face additional judgment that comes from cultural and societal establishments that already views us as lesser than. With the addition of HIV one can develop a feeling that says because of your disease, you’re now lesser than what you were before. Many believe that the DL or closeted lifestyle contributes to the rise in HIV rates but the argument can be stated that the struggle lies in the realization that, despite coming out as gay black men, many still faces other barriers that extend beyond their sexuality. For a black man to just identify as gay is difficult and a privilege not rewarded to us, unlike the white LGBT community. When a black man walks out the door the first thing that people see is skin color and react to that color whether good or bad. Race is an important topic that is also never fully discussed along with the ugly truth of racism, but the reality is that it’s effect can be a contributor to one’s acceptance and coming out. For me it was hard for me to initially identify as gay as I was still trying to figure out what it meant to be black. This is the same for a black man’s HIV status as now he has the other societal constructs which can make ones dealing with the disease difficult, but not impossible. Add a layering of shame in how they identify and this further hinders the healing process.

Yet there’s recognition that many gay black men don’t see their sexuality or race as a negative but as a shining example of what perfection looks like. Whether on their own or with the support of others they have learned to embrace their identity. Sadly there’s just as many who don’t have the same pride or instilled value system. This shame echoes within the community and affects young and old and remains unresolved as to admit or recognize shame is a flaw many don’t want to acknowledge. There’s a struggle in how to align their identity of being black, of being a man, being gay and having HIV. Shame hinders the process of finding one’s self and in the process coming to a place of embracing and acceptance.   

The biggest assignment of this shame comes from our own black community, both straight and gay. We receive messages early on that being gay is not acceptable. These messages are even transmitted in a not so subtle way, whether it’s the elderly person who sucks in her teeth and shakes their head, the black women who roll their eyes at the sight of you or the passing brotha who gives you a look that communicates their disgust, voicing loudly, “It’s a shame.” This repertoire is so constant that one tries to develop a thicker skin that sometimes cannot stem the bias from penetrating. Even in the moments when gay black men camouflage themselves in straight circles they can be witness to the black women’s disappointment on the lack of good black men and voicing disappointment that all the good black men are either in jail or gay.  The shame from black woman draws from their frustration of other straight black men who have abandoned their family responsibility, the disappearing fathers or the ones who have made empty promises as they’re taken away by the police. 

In a gay black man search for acceptance and by turning to the gay community there’s reminders that the LGBT community is not prone to show the ugly face of racism as awareness that invisible color lines exists and some can gain entry only by the straightness of their hair. This may make it easier for Asian and Latinos as they also don’t come with reminders of America’s past. Yet seeking refuge in the gay black community sometimes doesn’t offer complete protection as within the community itself are other hurting gay black men who walk with unresolved shame.  The popular phrase, ‘Hurt People, Hurt People’ resonates as gay black men may inflict the pain they’re feeling on fellow members.  As a result gay black men can sometimes be greeted with ‘shade’ as the very presence of another gay black male brings to life one’s own self-hate. The acts of unacceptable the straight community inflicted, are now recycled to be used against each other, from the shaking of the head, the cutting stares and rolling of eyes. This adopted shaming reaction happens unprovoked as the very prescience of another gay black man is seen not as a unifier but as a threat.

HIV further hinders relationship with other gay black men as the virus creates a caste system in that unfavorably viewed HIV negative  gay black men can now measure their increased worth over someone who’s black and HIV positive.  Sadly within this caste system exists a new level of judgment as one with HIV can use his undetectable status as a tool of worth over one who’s HIV status is not. Stigma of HIV covers all who are positive and leaves markings of low self-worth and our shame is further nailed in as some start to believe the unworthy title and place them in risky sex driven environments, despite the risk of re- infection.  

Addressing this shame can be one of the ways to finally make progress when it comes to HIV and gay black men.  It’s something that needs to be discussed in a brutal and honest fashion. Too many gay black men are walking around with shame underneath the service and not finding a place of healing from others and mostly themselves. In thinking about this unresolved issue that lays in the gay black community a line from Malcolm X is referenced.

"The greatest mistake of the movement has been trying to organize a sleeping people around specific goals. You have to wake the people up first, then you'll get action.”
― Malcolm X

When it comes to black shame among gay black men we have to wake up as this issue is holding us back. By addressing this we can join the others who have found self-acceptance of their race and health status. We can be among our community and know when someone gives us ‘shade’ that we don’t return it but recognize that it’s someone who’s hurting. And in that moment ask how I can help my fellow brother. As gay black men especially with HIV we must find a way to stop walking with our heads down and eyeing the limited ground but instead confronting that shame so that our heads are held high as we eye the unlimited possibilities of the sky. 

Is Mark Carson our Matthew Shepard moment?

As some may have heard, in the late hours of Friday night, a young man was shot in cold blood on the streets of New York City. For some, murder is a fact of life that comes with living in a large  city but this was not any type of murder. What happened on this weekend was another in a series of recent attacks on those who identify as gay. With one brutal shot form a pistol, Mark Carson, a NYC gay man who recently moved to Brooklyn was murdered not for his money or his race but because of his sexuality, by a deranged individual who uttered gay epithets before pulling the trigger. With the recent strides LGBT issues have been making on a national level it was a glaring reminder that work still exists on many other levels. Mark Carson's tragic murder can be seen as a reminder of Matthew Sheppard's tragic death and a another look at the work that needs to be done to combat hate crimes against LGBT.

There were many ironies in the death of Mark Carson. The first is that he lived in a city that has one of the largest communities of LGBT people in the nation. San Francisco is considered being in first place with the many people who identify as gay. The increase in numbers doesn't guarantee that no ignorance would be inflicted on those who are gay buy you would think there would be more tolerance. The second irony is that Mr. Carson was murdered in Greenwich Village, a neighborhood that is considered to be the birth of the gay movement and also home to businesses and residences of the gay community.  And it's not lost that he was only a short distance from the Stonewall Inn, a historical landmark that represents the fight of the LGBT. So you would think there would be some safety of being able to freely express one-self as compared to other less tolerable neighborhoods in the city. The third irony is that the murder happened on the same weekend where annually large group of people from different race, gender and sexuality come out in force to participate in the AIDS Walk in New York City.  I was one of the many on the rainy day and perhaps the rain all day Sunday was a symbol of the sadness the tragedy had wrought.

So with this observation how can something so brazenly horrific happen in a city inundated by gay members and in a place that is so progressive when it comes to free expression. In looking at a comparison to Matthew Sheppard I have to quickly say there actually is no comparison as any murder should ever be look at as a ruler to determine who was killed in the most horrific way. They were both tragic deaths that shouldn't have happened.  But Mr. Sheppard's death at the time placed a larger spotlight on hate crimes against gays. His untimely death happened during a time when as a nation we weren't having public conversations about equality.  Mr. Carson's death does the same as it also made us aware that his death was only one of 5 that happened in the recent weeks and 22 within the year, an increase from last year.  The talk about equality was still in effect yet unlike the time of Matthew's passing discussion of equality has been in a different context. The conversation is less about tolerance and bias against gays but centered on the ability of those in the LGBT community to have the same rights of marriage.

The right to marry is a great achievement that has seen many who were in objection, now a witness to the passing of marriage acts across the country. So there's no question that hard worked efforts have been successful but as a community have we placed all our eggs in one basket. Have we placed other important items on a to-do list and will only address them as one marks off items one by one while shopping? A question can be asked with the passing of Mr. Carson perhaps we should reexamine that agenda or to-do list and come back to one of the greatest harms that are affecting the LGBT community, hate or bias crimes. We can create a new countdown as we see states enact tougher hate crime laws and introduce anti-homophobia in our school's curriculum. I'm sure if we lined up the issues many will state that theirs is more important but in this moment we should see this as reminder that we all, whether gay or straight, are affected by crimes against those who are gay.  The killer didn't just take the life of Mr. Carson but he also took someone's child, someone's best friend, someone's family member.  Those lives will never be the same.

In truth bias crimes happens every day to the LGBT community. The weapon of choice may not be a bullet coming from a gun but can even be as simple as derogatory comments meant to belittle, discriminatory practices that treats one less than or a treatment of a second class attitude that denies full rights. These weapons are carried and enacted by many in the United States and freely used. Often times the physical harm is inflicted and the victim is placed in a justice system that perpetrates that second class citizen feeling, simply ask one who is transgender. They can share their horror story of trying to seek help after being attack and in seeking help are mocked by the ones whose job is it to be there for them. And sadly those who are transgender fall into the chorus of fellow gays and lesbian who simply don't report their crime at all as they feel nothing will be done, an unreported statistic that would truly show the level of bias crimes against the LGBT community.

So yes this should be our Matthew Shepard moment. It should be our alarm bell that rings out and makes us aware of the complacency that has enveloped us. It should be a renewed dialogue about what is really going on and how someone is shot dead in plain sight in the street simply because of who they are. Mark Carson's death should be for a reason as I know he lived for a reason. It should be conversation that includes those who love us and neither sexuality nor gender should a determining factor on who sits at the table to make action against hate. This fight is for all. This wakeup call is for all. Mark Carson's death is for all of us to make hate crimes against LGBT something that we need to address now, not later. We can't let Mr. Carson's death be in vain.

Disclosure after Sex

Many issues have been asked about HIV and when to disclose your status. I think when it comes to HIV this topic is one of the most difficult to answer as it’s different for every person. Also everyone has a different situation so there’s no pact answer that will fit every situation. I know when I was diagnosed I was determined that no one would ever find out and when it came to sex, I would choose to be celibate if that was the case. For myself when I realized how difficult a life of celibacy, especially in my peak years of my twenties, I knew I had to shift gears. So my new solution was that I told myself I would have sex but that I simply wouldn’t share my status, that instead I would practice safe sex where there was no risk involved to my sexual partner. It worked for a while as it was fun sex with no expectations of truly getting to know each other, so no risk no foul.  I soon discovered It may seem to work especially for those one night stand or booty calls but what do you do when you start to have feelings for someone after the sex. And how do you disclose knowing you were intimate yet didn’t reveal your HIV status. I was confronted with this sticky situation when I finally found love.

When I met my current partner we didn’t take it serious. You can say it was simply for sex and therefore it appeared that there was no reason to divulge my status as it seemed that we had no emotional ties that went beyond the bedroom. Then something unexpected happened. We started to feel for each other. It was an uplifting moment in my life as I felt that finally this felt like someone who I can build a life with. It was also unexpected as I had these walls up to not let anyone in to hurt me. The walls came from previous rejection where I did the right thing and disclosed only to have people run away. So my non-disclosure was more for my benefit than it was for others. So I was surprised that someone came along and found a crack in my wall.

When we entered the dating mode we made an unusual agreement that I think helped solidified us even today. We agreed that we would get to know each other during the next three months and during that time we would not have sex. I think for most people this would be a deal breaker but for me it had two advantages. The first was that I could get to know this person beyond the act of sex and second I wouldn’t be in a position where my status made a difference as we weren’t having sex.

The fear of losing a good thing was still there in this getting to know each other moment as I couldn’t find the words to tell him of my situation. But I know that my heart was now invested in him and him in me. What should have been a fairy tale romance had this single dark cloud that only I could see hanging over us. I can tell you that the act of hiding your status is some stressful shit. You find ways to explain the doctor visits or the not feeling so good moments. You come up with creative ways to hide your medication and you develop a prayer that they don’t come across a stray pill or if you were so bold, that they don’t look in the medicine cabinet. You also start missing evening dosages as it’s hard to take your pills when you’re out for the evening with company. To do so mean placing them in your pocket for later and hoping they don’t accidently fall out.

For someone outside they could elicit no sympathy for your trials but if they knew the emotional journey one has to endure when disclosing their status to anyone let alone a partner, they may understand somewhat.  You actually do disclose but it’s a private conversation you have in your head as you play out the scene in your mind. You see yourself doing the reveal as well as imagining their response. One scenario it’s a Disney moment where everyone is singing a song of relief and the next scenario it’s the worst case scene as they pack your bags and kick you to the curb.

My moment of final truth came when we decided to move in together. All the secrets of my status now made it harder for me to keep concealing my status. From my medication, to the reminder calls from the clinic reminding me of my appointment to the mail bearing my clinic name, it was now not a matter of if but when. The hard thing about disclosing is that it makes you feel powerless as someone with the information has the power to either stay with you or to call it quits. It makes it seems like the choice no longer belongs to you. The very act of disclosing sometimes makes you hold your breath waiting for someone else’s reaction, response. A humbling moment when this disease makes you feel less than.

Before telling I reviewed our relationship and was hopeful as based on character traits he had I felt he would understand. I also had to check myself and accept that he may be hurt I didn't trust him and accept my role in that feeling. But no matter what I realize that once the information was given I couldn't be responsible for how he react but could take ownership over my own feeling. So rather than play the ‘what if’ game I laid it on the line and decided to tell him my secret. It involved many factors such as the right time, the right reasons and the right way. So basically I told him during a quiet moment when we were attuned to each other and there was no hostility. And delivering it to him in a clear non-dramatic way with no attitude or flippant tone, as I knew I was doing it to get his support and hope that the love we developed over the years would let him know that I had no itinerary but to be completely honest with him and most importantly with myself.

“I have HIV” that was the beginning of my dialogue and from there were endless questions of how long and when. 

From there a honest dialogue started and then something weird happened. It made us closer as the last remaining bricks of the wall came crashing down. I could finally be honest with not just him but also myself. He was able to see beyond the disease and still see the person he fell in love with. I was not a three letter acronym but Aundaray. I was also encourage as practicing safe sex he remained negative and it’s a testimony that practicing safe sex a person with HIV can be in a relationship with someone negative, something he remains to this day thirteen years later.  

I know there are others in my shoes and like me can’t find the words. For someone who may not understand it’s not a case of having your cake and eating it to. It’s a case of feeling someone will not accept you fully for who you are. Yet sometimes that thing call love shoots an arrow and you find yourself in unfamiliar territory with no map on how to navigate it, learning as you go. In that lost moment it’s comforting to find that someone that says no matter what the journey is I’m there with you. A true power and benefit of knowing there’s love after disclosure.

BloggingYour HIV

I would have to say one of the greatest tools to help me live with HIV has been the ability to write and share my experience of how it is to live with this disease. I never considered myself a blogger but as someone who made public his insight. I think I wanted to feel less isolated with this disease, but by blogging I found a way to express my feelings and create a community of people who could either identify what I was going through or find knowledge of how it was to live with HIV. When it comes to HIV I am now a believer that finding a way to talk about your status whether it’s blogging, singing, dancing or speaking; it will greatly aid the life you live. The term is called emotional expression and it simply means releasing pent up emotions. Expressing ourselves has many healthy benefits and leads you to a greater place of wellness and acceptance of you r HIV status.

Blogging is a great way to communicate and it can combat the feelings of isolation that often leads to depression. writing an online journal is defiantly different than blogging as one is private and the other allows others to see your posting and in some cases comment on them. There are several free sites on the net that gives you to ability to blog. A good online search will reveal the choices but as far as ease I would say the two best for beginners are Blogger.com and WordPress. Whatever route one chooses they defiantly are beneficially.  

So what and how do you start blogging? In answering that question there are seven great ways to go about blogging and the following are hopefully some useful tips that will get you started.

1. Write what you know

       When you’re writing the easiest way to go about it is to write what you know about the disease. Telling your own experience and how it has affected your life both good and bad will be more compelling. Not to say you shouldn’t write about an unknown topic, but when your blog starts to sound more like a research paper of something you don’t have a personal connection with, people may not follow you for long. By focusing on what you know your writing will be more real and probably make the reader feel that they can relate. Also you’re in control of what you share. Some folks like me reveal aspects of life that would be considered private. Others may give you a glimpse but not be to revealing. It has to work for you and what you feel comfortable in sharing. There are no rules and you control the content of your writing.

2. Try not to preach

       It’s great to share your perspective on HIV but in your sharing the best way to connect is not by preaching and judging others on how they live with the virus. Although we have HIV we don’t approach it the same way. We all have opinions but sometimes we don’t want to seem like we’re on a higher horse when talking about our status. What works for me may not work for others For instance someone may be into barebacking, having sex without a condom, and although you may not agree with it, you can still state your feelings without it feeling like a condemnation. There is a way to teach without preaching. In the example I used you may want to first give your own personal relationship to the subject and then provide factual information that lets others decide if the information is useful. I think Madonna said it best, “Papa don’t preach’

3. With great power comes great responsibility

       Okay I’ll admit that I stole this from Spiderman but feels that it also applies to blogging. As a blogger you’re providing a reader an insight into something that is unique. They may start to refer to you as you write about HIV with authority. In that aspect you have to realize that online blogging has a certain level of power where your words can instantly become viral and reach many. The thing about hitting the send button after writing a blog entry is that once it’s out there you can’t take it back. So when writing and especially if it’s about information you obtained elsewhere, you have to make sure it’s factual. I’ll run across news articles about HIV and want to instantly share it, but you should do some researching and simple fact check to see if what you’re about to put out there is factual. Earlier this year I made the mistake of not fact checking and wrote a story on what I later found out to be false information. Googling it I discovered that it was making it way onto blogs but not on major news source. False information along with misinforming the community can also contribute to a continued feeling of stigma.

4. Write for you

       I think one of the biggest mistakes one can make in their writing is trying to write something that everyone will like. The truth is that some will gravitate to you based on your style while for others it will have a null effect. Write something that you would like to read or you’re passionate about. Your excitement will come out and people who can relate to it will respond to it. You’ll also approach your writing with enthusiasm as you discover your writing voice. The more you write the more you’ll discover that your voice is unique and gives your blogging personality.

5. Don’t write for comments

       It’s always nice when people start to respond to your post with comments telling you how they either liked or didn’t like what you wrote. It feels good knowing that you’ve written something that creates a conversation but realize that it’s not always the case. I learned in my blogging that just because people don’t leave a comment doesn’t mean they didn’t like what you had to say. I know for myself on certain HIV blog postings people have approached me and told me how much they enjoyed it, even my family has told me in person rather than leave a comment online. There are so many reasons people don’t leave a comment so it shouldn’t discourage you from your sharing. It also shouldn’t be your motivation.

6. Edit, spell check and edit

      Don’t let this one discourage you as not all bloggers are English Majors. But having some grasp on vocabulary will not only help you but the readers understand what you’re trying to say. You don’t want your posts to be lost in translation because of incomplete sentences or paragraphs that don’t make sense. Most will take forgive several misspelled words but not a complete post filled. The best thing to do after you write and before you send is to walk away from it for a few minutes. Come back to it and read it aloud to see if it makes sense to you and if not make the necessary changes. And yes I have been guilty of this so don’t come for me!

7. You’re making a difference

       By sharing your journey of living with HIV you’re helping others who are living the same life you are. You’re making someone feel less alone and giving others a different perspective on how to live with HIV. I never set out to do that but it’s a humbling occurrence to hear from others of how they thought they were the only one going through an experience and want to thank you for sharing. And most importantly you’re making a difference in your own life as blogging your HIV will enrich your life in ways you can’t imagine.

See you online!

       

E.R.

I recently had a medical emergency that required me to go to the emergency room. From that visit many things highlighted to me the recent conversation about affordable and quality health care. As someone with comprehensive medical coverage and living with HIV I never had to give a thought to the services I received. Although I was aware of the issue of uninsured people, in the best way I knew how, I could only relate through their telling. My experience was an eye opening experience that showed the many levels of inequalities of healthcare. But it also gave me a perspective as a man with HIV, visiting the local ER. As a disclaimer I acknowledge all emergency rooms are a waiting room and none claim to offer Four Seasons type service but I do feel there is a difference in how private and city run emergency rooms operate.

My episode began when I sat down for dinner. I knew the moment I swallowed the steak that I was in trouble as it quickly became lodged in my esophagus. This had happened many times before with others warnings me to take small bites. Previous incidents didn’t result in any drastic action so when it happened I felt it would resolve itself. Yet this felt different as no matter what I attempted it just wasn't going down. Despite the efforts of doing a self-Heimlich, drinking a diet Coke which usually helps and according to Google, consuming a table spoon of white vinegar, it simply was not dislodging. So the night was spent with the inability to drink water and swallow food. You would think I would have immediately went to the hospital but knowing how emergency rooms operate and it being late I simply didn’t want to spend a night in a room waiting to be seen. Besides I was sure that during my sleep it would go down by itself.

Having gone 12 hours without food and water I couldn’t even take my HIV medication as it would come right back up. I was out of it and in no mood to take the two subway trains to a reputable emergency room located 45 minutes from the house. I was also feeling cheap and didn’t want to spend money on a cab. I just wanted a quick fix and chose to take myself to the city run hospital that was only 15 minutes away. This hospital is known for bandaging the shooting victims of the inner city and pushing them out to be shot again. Based on it’s location it’s the only medical facility for nearby residents and those without health insurance. It’s because of its close proximity I made my way to it.

While waiting my turn I overheard one man looking for a refill on his Prezista prescription, a HIV medication. My ears pricked up as I wondered to myself what makes that an emergency. Soon after, two guys who were showing each other a lot of public display of affection exclaimed loudly they were there to get some ‘crazy pills’. I assumed that it was a derogatory slang for mental health medications which is no joking matter. In fact I was surprised on how opened many were about their reason for coming in. In their public share it was evident that most of their conditions could have been covered with a regular clinic visit but that’s hard to do if you don’t have insurance. Yet without insurance this may have been their only option. A quick adding of the numbers saw that for those who opposed affordable health care, tax payers are paying double to send someone to the emergency room than they would have sending a person to a regular doctor visit.
           

My interesting interaction moment came during the intake process. As I was explaining to the nurse why I was there, she asked about any other medical conditions. When I informed her I was HIV positive she immediately grabbed her pen and wrote down a name of a doctor. She informed me to go to YouTube and watch this doctor’s videos as he had a cure for HIV. I was shocked that here she was pushing a voodoo doctor on me while I'm trying to see a real doctor. What was also disturbing was the irresponsibility of this medical representative and basically someone who should have known better, passing along misinformation of a disease that is already misunderstood by others. And the scary realization was knowing it was highly unlikely that I was the first she shared this information with and the realization there may have been follow- through on others with this information. It left me wondering how many others have delayed their care with hopes to getting a quick cure for their HIV.I was too weak to challenge the information she provided at that time and reminded myself to call the hospital when I was feeling better.

Despite the interaction with her it was assuring to hear the hospital offering people waiting, the opportunities to receive a HIV test. The discouragement came when two people hearing the word laughed and loudly state, "Nobody wants to hear about the ‘Monster' a term I hadn't heard for a while but reaffirmed the stigma HIV had attached to it. With all these HIV reference in one sitting I thought someone must have known I blogged about HIV and I was getting punked.

Thankfully I made it past the waiting room and moved to the next room of purgatory as my waiting continued. I would get excited when I would see nurses come in but be deflated as they were in there to grab medical supplies. I laughed as I realized that I was placed in a medical closet. My self-advocacy skills were not effective as each nurse were tone deaf to my asking when I would be seen. I did see one nurse and after asking about my HIV status he ignored the fact I was dehydrated but found the time to give me HIV 101 lessons. In my delirium I wanted to say I’ve had HIV longer than your medical profession but knew I was at their mercy.

In my delirium I had texted Joel who rushed down there. When he got there he had this shell-shocked look. I thought it was about my situation but it was more about passing the detectives who were standing outside the room of a guy who was shot. It was nice to have him help cure the loneliness but him being there had another unexpected benefit. Whereas my previous requests for service were unheeded, Joel simply made one request and like that the flood gates of comfort came rushing in. I have to add that Joel is white and I strongly believe that his race changed my level of service. In an instance the missing nurses and doctors suddenly came flooding, stumbling over each other with one of the attending nurses giving me movie star treatment. Instantly I was given a nice fluffy pillow along with a comfortable blanket and the side railings of my bed were raised to make a comfortable bed. I even was even bought Ginger Ale which didn't help me as I couldn't drink it but nonetheless it came with a package of services that was once denied.

          

Even Joel noticed the attentiveness and it was shocking to see the inequality. But sadly I think it’s the reality for many. Living with HIV and no health insurance is a scary thought. The good news was despite no coverage people were seeking care but receiving it in a piecemeal fashion. There are health programs like ADAP but even those programs are getting stretched with long waiting lists or hung up in current budget debates. It was sad knowing based on this small card in my wallet I had access to a regular physician, specialist and dare I say a less chaotic medical setting. The issue of health care is real and each day many including my brethren living with HIV are on the unbalanced side of accessible care. The emergency room was just a small sliver of that disparity. We may not want to vocalize it but there is a huge difference when you have health insurance.

 They ended up not fixing the problem and I had to go to my private hospital and the service was like night and day. I was seen in a timely fashion, received an IV for my inability to drink water and a team of doctors removed the piece of steak. I was able to get that type of service because I had health insurance. My little episode showed how important it is to lend my voice to the fight for affordable and quality health care for all. And for that nurse who referred me to YouTube, in case you are reading this, I reported you so hopefully you will be talked to and sadly it may be business as usual. 

Confesions of a Former Hottie

                Standing on the train platform I looked down and spied a young black youth who looked to be in his early twenties. Instantly my gaydar went off and in his steps he wasn’t trying to hide who he was. Seeing him strut down the platform made me smile as he walked as if he was on a runway and we were the audience for his Topman fashion show. Choosing a spot where everyone could see him he stopped and found his mark as he pulled out his cellphone despite you can’t get a signal at this station and feigning indifference to the others around he enveloped himself into the digital world. He was oblivious to the attention he created to the other men who gave him attention and one even leaving his spot on the platform and in his smooth way shuffling to where the young man was standing. I admit he was cute and I think he knew it, and in my observation I smiled as I reflected on my own days when I myself was a hottie.

                As a young good looking man I had the same walk as I walked as if you couldn’t tell me anything. I was exotic and my exoticness was knowing I was young, gay and black. In essence I was the forbidden fruit your mother warned you about. I portrayed confidence yet it was all a facade as I was trying to figure out what this thing called gay meant. I would never tell you of my insecurities. I just knew that as a young gay man I was a commodity with plenty of older consumers looking to take a bite of that apple in the Garden of Eden. My insecurity was external and I was in a place where I didn’t have to expose my feelings and instead wear this lacquered exterior of indifference. In truth I wasn’t ready for my sexuality as I was a young man given the keys to a car I had yet learned to drive. But I wouldn’t tell you that as I was Mario Andretti and there was no speed limit for me.

                I think at that time my value in myself was in how attractive others thought I was. I had adopted language you hear form most girls, statements of how they didn’t want to date boys their age because they were too immature. I was the same only my reason was that I knew that older men had one thing I didn’t have much at the time, money. And money bought material things that increased my value and set me apart from the other young hotties who gave their stuff away free. It was a dance of what were you willing to give me for me. I knew you couldn’t tell me anything when one paramour who was a famous writer wrote me a large check to be exclusive. I made a promise with fingers crossed and on the way to the bank knowing there was no way I was going to be anyone’s private joy. Honestly many older men were drawn to the young skin and didn’t mind bestowing gifts or showing their own value by having someone young to show off in public. Some in their pursuit of satisfying their sexual gratification were not always looking for a relationship. In fact some had other hotties spread around the city. Some had wives or other relationships that satisfied their other needs and every so often you got the one who truly wanted to be monogamous but asking someone in their twenties to settle down was asking someone to walk on water. It just wasn’t going to happen no matter how many zeros were thrown.

                I was never looking for a relationship only because I didn’t know what a relationship was. I was unaware my transformation into a hottie was preordained for me because of several factors. Growing up my learning’s of being gay was taught to me by old issues of Colt porno magazines or sneaking my VHS copy of ‘Crusin’ in the VCR just to see what gay men look like never minding the fact the movie was about a gay serial killer. At that time something was better than nothing. Unlike today gay images of any kind were easy to see. The mainstream media had yet to jump on the gay wagon and anything remotely gay was something to laugh at or scorn. I didn’t have examples I could look at to see what being committed meant. And in the black community it was like an extremely dry desert with no relief of water as the idea of two black men together was the biggest taboo. And even if I was to find someone I couldn’t do the actions I saw other straight couples do. Holding hands in public, giving innocent kisses while sitting in the park or resting my head on my other half’s shoulder in the movie theatre was not common or welcomed. And even today with many affirming their sexuality one rarely sees the coupling of gay black men showing their affection to others in public. So the idea of trying to be in a relationship was an illusion that was never attainable. In fact based on people’s response it wasn’t something I welcomed as I was having learning lessons at the time of what it meant to be black and didn’t have room on my plate for the meaning of gay.

                My lesson in what a relationship looked like was displayed to me at the one moment in my younger life when I broke my own rule and committed myself to an older person. The stigma of being gay was so prevalent that when out in public we both acted like we were only buddies. Not to simply blame him but as he was older I followed his lead and his example was one of hiding your true self especially in the public view. In my teaching moments I didn’t have anything to show me it was abnormal as at that time it was normal. There was even a time when we went to the movies we left an empty seat between us to leave no doubt to others. Our only action of affection was left to when we were alone in the privacy of our house. It didn’t last long as it was easier to be a hottie without having to put energies in pretending for the sake of others.

                I didn’t set out to be a hottie. I feel I got my title from how others saw me. I honestly felt I was created from the community I was trying to understand. It seemed I was not made visible by my intelligence or personality. I didn’t notice my own ass or size of my package or smoothness of my skin. That’s how others saw me and approached me on those attributes. Even the name hottie was not penned by me as it became my name as I passed the company of others. ‘Hey look at that hottie’ “man he’s a hottie” In that space of looking for identity and living in a society when how your identity is less than because of race, you grab and embrace those things that make you visible even if it isn’t positive. Young black boys especially grow up in a disadvantage place where often our sex and sexuality provides worth to others and gives sense of self even if it’s false.

                Today’s examples of learning of ourselves through our bodies are no longer offered through issues of x-rated magazines and in its stead we embrace images of us in a sexual context where doing porn either professional or homemade is a validation of worth. Unlike our straight brethren who are given instructions and examples as young gay black boys we learn it in the context of sex or sexual attraction. Even our stories of gay black men are swathe in stories of sexual encounters and the other aspects of our lives are left on the cutting room floor. This is a historical context of black men in general as former slaves we were displayed naked on the auction block showing our prowess for the highest bidder and today we have become headless shots on sites such as Adam4Adam where we have no distinctiveness and our selves are seen in the framework of our penis and/or ass shots displayed for the lowest bidder. We carry preordained values such as feeling it’s only a matter of time when we will get HIV as based on any statistics as African American we are constantly on the top of any negative stats.   

                As a former hottie I didn’t know I was continuing the lineage that was already cast before me. I thought I was creating my own identity when in fact my identity was being created for me. Now looking at the young man on the subway platform I smiled not because he was going to follow my footsteps. I smiled because circumstances have changed in the world that being gay is a public conversation instead of a private one. His comfort in self didn’t come off as a sexual self but more as I’m comfortable with myself and in that space I find my confidence.  Are there currently young gay men who see themselves based on their sexual attractiveness. Yes. But by recognizing that we, members of the gay community made them we, can also unmake them by moving past lecherous ways and instead being positive role models with the absence of sexual attraction. I guess my smile was in that in my growth I didn’t immediately see him as a simple sex object but one that carry confidence and pride of self. I didn’t look at him only in a sexual context.  

                So although I call myself a former hottie I still give myself the title of hot except my hotness is not defined by others nor do I seek the naming of it from others. My hotness is no longer border by my sexuality or my sexual positions with others. With my knowledge and a solid footing on my being I can redefine my attractiveness by the new history of what it means to be gay, what it means to be black and most importantly what it means to be a man. In my confessions I reaffirm my worth.

Spring Cleaning

Now that we have survived another winter and have shaken off DVR nights filled with bad television, it’s time to get to some spring cleaning. Usually spring cleaning in my home meant getting out that bucket of soap water and doing a good scrubbing, not the light dusting kind but the down on the knees until it hurts and getting every tile on the floor until it sparkled. It also meant preparing for the warm weather by rummaging through the closet and discarding the ‘what was I thinking clothes’ along with packing up the cold weather coats. In this mindset I’ve decided to do some spring cleaning when it comes to my HIV health and have five great ways to get it done!

1. Mental Health

It’s time to first see how my thought process is going and whether I need a check-up. Usually the winter can make you go through the ho-hum mood with the shorten days and the lack of sunlight along with the PTSD of the holidays we’re sometimes in a funk that we can’t just get out of. Recognizing the impact of depression and anxiety on one’s immune system it’s equally important to make sure that we’re not having bouts of depression. The increased sunlight does do wonders but in no ways does it replace the value of seeing a clinician. And as I tell people in my life there ain’t no shame in my game especially when it comes to my overall health. There’s still a stigma in telling someone you went to see a therapist when it’s one of the healthiest thing you can do. Not every encounter means you’ll be prescribed pills or have to see someone for years and years. Just one to two simple visits can determine if you need intensive therapeutic support. Just like we clear the vacuum cleaner of dust we can do the same thing with our mind as we clear the dust that keeps us from being happy.

2. Bad Influences

Bad influences can be different for all and indirectly can impact how we live with HIV. For some it can be unhealthy eating habits or behaviors such as smoking, excessive drinking or dare I say too much sex especially when it gets in the way of forming true relationships? One bad influence that may benefit others is looking at the people we call friends. Sometimes the very people that have your back are often the ones holding you back from your full potential. Although we may not want to admit it the negative persona of a friend can rub off on you especially if you’re hanging with someone who’s always outwardly negative to others. Before you know it your friend’s behavior becomes a reflection on you. As hard as it may to do by letting go you’re making room for someone who has the positive qualities you’re looking for in a person. And family members shouldn’t be excluded from this category. Simply because you’re a blood relative doesn’t mean that you have to keep them constantly in your life. Relatives can do more hurting than anyone else simply because they’re family. You may have to tell them you need a break and recognize that when it comes to bad influences, your family is not allowed to do thing to you that you wouldn’t let others. So whether it’s your immediate or distant family, sometimes stepping away is the healthiest thing you can do.  

3. Medication Adherence  

As Spring rolls around for many of us our schedule changes as well. We’re simply out more and don’t have the same routine as we did when it was cold. With the warm weather we’re out longer as we enjoy evening dinners with friends or for the lucky we’re doing more traveling as we kick our heels on the sandy beaches of the tropic. This may impact your medication regime especially if you’re not normally a creature of habit to begin with. Overall one should look at how their ability to take daily medication is going. This even goes for us long termers as we sometimes get in the mindset that missing a day won’t hurt but if we look back we see that we’ve missed quite a few days over the long winter. So just like we change the batteries in our smoke detectors lets also take a look at how we manage our medications. It’s even a time to check in with your doctor and look together on how your current regimen is going. Even if your current pills are working for you, it’s also a good habit to simply be aware of new developments in HIV medications.   

4. Me Time

I know this may seem unnecessary but in our cleaning mode I think one of the greatest things we can do is look at the time we spend with ourselves. Although we have already started the year making resolutions, as the warm weather approaches there’s value in looking at activities we love to do or simply something that we always wanted to do. Spring is a great time to clear ourselves of self doubt and introduce ourselves to new things. This could be the year of finally trying out camping or taking the outside early morning tai chi class. Maybe learning how to finally swim can be a goal or seeing if we really do have a green thumb as we take a crack at gardening. The great thing about these social events is that it gets one into new environments and for some events it may give opportunities to meet new people. Again when looking at HIV isolation is the greatest enemy and finding out whom we are and what we like to do is the greatest release.

5. Work It Out  

The one thing that we can agree about winter is that it provides a back door for extra pounds to creep up on you and before you know it you’re telling your scale they’re a liar. I think I still have one last piece of sweet potato pie from the holidays that is clinging on my thighs. As someone who works out there’s such a euphoric feel one can get from exercising. Now before one starts hitting those weights you have to make sure you’re going to the gym for the right reason. If you’re going to find those six packs you see others sport on magazine covers or you’re doing it to get whistles and appreciations from others then you’re setting yourself up. Going to the gym is hard enough especially when you’re doing it for others but the greatest joy is doing it for yourself. I personally believe that when I feel good I’m more inclined and prepared to handle my HIV health. And the coolest thing about working in the spring is that you don’t need to join a gym as you have free options such as jogging, biking and my personal favorite, jumping rope. I know if no one else appreciates my hard work I take comfort in the fact that I appreciate it.

So look out world it’s time to clean house and if you’re not cleaning you’re leaning in my way as I prepare myself for a great spring and summer. These five ways will help me transform my way into a new season and my HIV will benefit for the better!