Learning to say No

Learning to say no

It was about 3 in the morning when the phone rang. For most people when the phone rings at such an early time it’s to announce bad news of a loved one. For me I knew right away that the call was for a different purpose. The sound of the ring seemed like a crashing of pans on the floor as it filled the small studio space, wondering if I was waking the neighbors. In trying to decide whether to answer the phone I stirred in the covers, battling the growing excitement of my manhood. The phone rang louder as did the voice in my head telling me no, don’t answer it. The voice knew that it was another stranger, one who I had a previous sexual encounter with but who still remained a stranger. Someone who I only knew by the twelve characters that made up their screen name. A made up pseudonym made up of a sexual act that told you what his intentions were without him saying a word. 

He wasn't real, the stories of his self wasn't real yet I wanted him to make me real, to have validation through the process they call sex. I knew with each ring my response was needed and wondering what direction was I planning on taking. Was I going to put myself in literally a position of giving away my ‘stuff’ or was I finally going to have the gumption to finally learn to say no.

Saying no had always been a problem for me starting from the days when I was taken advantage of as a child. All those many years ago when I said no it was overridden and ignored for the benefit of another. In my powerless state I felt that the word no was stripped of any rights I had and that who was I to say no, I was black and based in the definition of society I had no value. And in my older years as a gay man with HIV I had even lesser value as a person so who was I to let no fall from my lips. Even those years I stood on my own two feet I still denied myself the power of saying no. I was a people pleaser. I wanted to make everyone else happy and in their happiness I probably would find my own.

My dance was how I became HIV positive. It was a first time experience of a situation where I wanted to be liked. Where I thought I wanted to be loved even if I didn't know your last name. Just the fact you saw me was priceless enough. I put on a show for you to simple see me. My costume were tight fitted clothing that showed my definitions,  a voiceless mannequin among other mannequins all fighting to be seen and admired.  Even when I was given this lifetime gift of HIV and finally voiced ‘no’ it was too late as the deed had been done.

Learning about sex so young I thought that using your body was how you were supposed to show your value. I thought that the way you performed in bed was a validation as an individual and that by doing so you mattered. In that search for validation I kept giving my stuff away again and again not seeing how each time I was giving a piece of my soul away.  Each encounter was not always about the pleasure of sex but for you to like me enough to say one good thing about me. Something I could hold on to until my next fix of a stranger’s praise. When I finally opened my eye to my reality I told myself to stop and don’t do that again. But just like I couldn't voice my ‘no’ to strangers, sadly I couldn't voice ‘no’ to myself.

In a way I didn't want to stop my destructive behavior of random and sometimes anonymous sex. I had HIV so little else mattered and I basically didn't care. In that moment I didn't have to learn to say no as I was living for the moment. The online world was my real world as I trolled profiles looking for the next person who was going to affirm me. I lied in my descriptions and told people what they wanted to hear as I typed away with uncontrollable furor, my fingers seeming to have a power of their own.  My sex life was like Lays potato chips, I couldn't eat just one. The real world of becoming re-infected or getting another sexual transmitted disease fell on my deaf ears. 

It wasn't that I didn't care but I felt when it came to my sexual urge I no longer had control. That I knew it was wrong and I should have told myself no don’t do this to myself, but if I couldn't say ‘no’ to myself how was I going to say it to you especially when you tell me you’re not going to wear a condom because it doesn't feel real. I would have died for any feeling as I become numb to my own wants and desires. I wanted to feel real myself.  

There were many moments when I would look in the mirror and in those moments I couldn't look myself in the eye ashamed at what I was doing and letting others do to me. I would step into my living space and see the clutter, not only mentally but physical as around me everything was out of place. The dirty dishes, the unmade bed, the uneaten food left on the dining table, the days old papers strewn about all reflected my life. My home was dirty, my thinking was dirty, and I felt my soul was dirty. I had a conversation with myself asking why and trying to remind myself what kind of person I was. Telling myself to think about my dreams and is this who I want to be? Reminding myself of my talent and worth and contributions and this is not me. I would apologize to myself and tell myself that never again would I place myself in that position. Never again will I compromise my values for an instant gratification. Never again.

But then my hand would direct the mouse to the online chat room or the phone rang at the odd time of the night and my will was once again tested. The worst part was not that I did what said I wasn’t going to do, going back on my affirmation. The worst part was that I let myself down, again.  I didn’t say no.

At first I thought it was my HIV that placed me in this irrational place. That it was this disease in me that made me feel like I had nothing to give but my body. It wasn't until I let myself go back past my HIV and reexamining my child abuse that I found my reason for my self-destruction behavior. I had shut the door on that part of my life and felt it didn't have an effect on my present. In a way I even fooled myself into believing that it didn't happen at all and if it did I wanted it. I didn't know then that this was my way of not being a victim and to gain power of the situation.

But I was a victim and being a victim didn’t mean that I was a powerless but that an unfortunate situation happened to me that was not my fault. Pulling back the covers on my private shame I realized that I could still say no. Say no to being victimized again. Saying no to my past abuse continue to pull the strings of my life. Saying no to myself and that I will stop denying myself a full healthy life.  I had within me the power to say no. By taking a step back and facing my darkness I was able to finally see the light of my life. It was always there waiting for me to discover it. Waiting for me to embrace it.

And when I stripped myself of past lives I did the most wondrous thing. I learned to embrace the person that I was. I learned to accept everything there was about me, dysfunction and all. In my imperfect life I found perfection that I had the power to share on my own terms and no one else. I was no longer auditioning for the attention of others but each day made sure my own life was a showstopper for myself.  I stepped away from the lies and clenched for dear life my truths of who I was. I created my own worth.

So as the phone rang although old feelings came rising to the surface I was now in a position to say no and by doing so emerging into the person I wanted to be. Many years later the phone has stopped ringing and my self-control is now in control. I live in a relationship for the past 14 years with God and my partner on earth and my past no longer is my future. I still have HIV but it doesn't have me and I have been rewarded greatly by simply learning to say no. 

What if....

What if....

Those two words separately have little meaning but combined has a powerful way of influencing your life. To say those words makes you enter the road to doubt and hesitation. We want to use the combined words to prevent us from self-harm but sometimes don’t realize the harm it does to self. I adopted the words into my language and even today fight to keep them at bay but they were once so pronounced in my life. The words 'what if' truly came into my life at a specific moment. I would have to say the ‘what if’s’ of my life were truly born during the early days of me discovering that I had HIV.

In those early days after walking home from the doctor and trying to make sense of the news he just shared to me of my status there were two thoughts running around in my head. Am I going to die of this disease and what will people think of me? I wanted to share the devastating news right away but the ‘what if’s’ came pouring in filling my brain with uncertainties. Questions that I couldn't answer but I still produce came, questions such as what if they reject me. What if they blame me? What if they tell me this is what happens to people who are just like me, gay? Knowing that to share my news I also had to reveal my other secret, my sexuality, that was sheltered by my ‘what if’s’. I think no matter how hard I tried to find a workable solution in the end each scenario had the same outcome and not in a good way.

My life went on but I wasn't happy in the space. I was living in a house made of fear, surrounded by walls of missed opportunities and covered with a roof of depression. Although I wanted to evict myself from that space I didn't have the nerve to. You can say that the ‘what if’s’ kept me prisoner as I looked out the window envy of others who were living their happy lives. But that door before me gave me pause and remained lock despite me holding the key in my hand to release myself.

Another aspect of living a ‘what ‘life is recognizing the limits it places on you when it comes to dating or forming a relationship, sexual or non-sexual. This is when your doubts go into overdrive. Some classic thoughts I had were:
What if they find out about my secret?
What if they discover my medication in the bathroom cabinet?
What if they fall in love in love with me?

I then asked myself what if I start to live a negative life? Not negative in the state of mind way but negative as if I was never diagnosed with HIV. That all my interactions about my health were a lie despite who was asking, whether it was my doctor, my family, friends and those I was interested in romantically. That my response to them was that I am HIV negative and no way am I one of those people. Knowing that in my responses I was living a life created by my ‘what if’.

I was so scared of my ‘what if’s’ coming true and living in such a place of fear it seemed my life was on freeze frame. Yet there was a small light of hope when I decided to let my shield down and not use my status as a barrier. When I finally accepted my status and stopped denying myself the ability to love. You would think the ‘ what ifs’ were exorcised by me freeing myself but even in that space of me sharing my status with someone in my dating life I developed a different strain of ‘what ifs’.

They were now reformulated and questioned:
What if I give them HIV?
What if I re-infect them or they re-infect me?

And the one that really made me pause
What if I die on them?

My language of what ifs were truly making my life have less value and if I examined all the questions of my ‘what ifs’ I would see that it was mostly for the benefit of others and what they thought of my life. In my unselfish moment I was being selfish to myself and denying my own self a rich full life. Ironically when I questioned what if I die on them I should have looked at myself as I was already slowly dying mentally and not because of my HIV status but because of my own self-inflicted limitations. My ‘what ifs’ had dictated my movements, my non-movements, my dreams and goals and I was tired of it stealing my joy. I had heard of the benefits of jumping into the waters and learning to swim but I was so scared of drowning that I stayed on secure ground.

I can say that my life took a change for the better when I finally quieted my ‘what ifs’. It took finding who I was and recognizing I was more than HIV. I rewrote the definitions of ‘what if’ and instead of it ending with a negative conclusion, replacing it with positive outcomes. I had to let go of trying to control the endings and just let it happen and then deal with the ramifications good or bad. And in that moment recognizes it was not the word ‘what if’ that I had issues with but it was the word control. I wanted to be one who decided to reject me. I wanted to control who knew my status. I wanted to be in control because handing the keys of my control to others I felt made me weak and what if they couldn't handle the responsibility.

By removing or limiting my ‘what if’ and lessening my control I started to see the difference it made. With the shield down more people came into my life. And yes some people did leave but they only made room for others. And the greatest benefit was I started to truly live. I started to reclaim my dreams. Things I thought I could never do I accomplished:
I went back to school and got my degree.
I quit the unsatisfactory job and fell in love with one I liked
I learned to swim literally as I always wanted to but had a fear
I started a blog just for me and a few friends and now helping strangers navigate the world of HIV

I would never had accomplish any of these things if I had never stop trying to be always in control and having the ‘what if’s’ run loose in my thinking.
I finally used my key and left that house of fear.

Remembering Aaron

Aaron Burks represented many things to different people. For some he was that soulful voice that he shared with others as he sang in choirs sharing God’s words in song. For some he was that HIV specialist who let those affected and infected by the virus know that there are many more tomorrows and that they are not alone. For some he was the father who raised beautiful children and gave them lessons that said you can do anything and everything you want to in this world. For me he was a dear friend who showed me that no barrier was too high to climb or overcome and any obstacle can be moved out of your way.

Aaron Burks left us this past August from a rare blood disorder and a huge hole has been left in his absence. I had met Aaron so many long years ago. When you met Aaron the first thing you saw was his smile and his Hollywood dimples. You couldn't help but smile yourself as he radiated warmth of friendliness and confidence. You couldn't help not to be drawn in by the friendly spirit he exuded. It was a genuine love that radiated from him.

My admiration of Aaron of course goes beyond his physical aspects. Looking back over his life he silenced those who said ‘you’ll never be able to do that’ as he did it. Aaron like me was HIV positive. So he was familiar with the stigma and the shame of having this disease. He knew about compromised immune systems as he sometimes fell in the danger zone with his health numbers simply because that was the hand he was dealt. But still that didn't stop him.

He also faced another demon as he had an addiction to drugs. This was a hard battle especially having HIV and one not often discussed when we’re talking about the virus. As I had to learn his addiction was not one of choice but a circumstance that was in his life that wasn’t in the norm. Even as a friend I sometimes felt helpless not feeling I could help with this battle. Mostly because I didn’t understand his battle or the shoes he walked in. Most people would sit back and judge Aaron’s life but not understand completely the process of addiction. I thankfully never judged but took my turn along with others to let him know that when he was through the storm we were going to be there waiting for him. But even having the addiction didn’t stop him.

You would think Aaron had enough to go through but he faced another wall when he was incarcerated. He again represented untold stories of those having HIV and living a life behind bars. I was very worried at this time as it was hard enough to live with HIV in open society and now to be in a place where you’re locked away from valuable supportive resources and limited access to exceptional health care. Not to mention contained homophobia and stigma that had the ingredients to lead to physical harm. Those moments my prayers went to Aaron and thankful God gathered the many prayers for Aaron that his loved ones sent and shielded him until he was with us again. You would think that facing so many tests Aaron would fold and crawl in the darkness. You would think wrong as even that didn’t stop him.

To have his life of imperfections Aaron was not stopped by it as he took all the misfortunes that were handed to him and flipped the script on it. He fought back the forces that lead him to addiction and walked a different path. He looked in the mirror and didn’t say, “because of my former jailed life I will have limited opportunities”.  Instead he made his opportunities and removed any fear and established a new career with a great nonprofit in Minneapolis called the African American AIDS Task Force, where he shared his life and experience of living with HIV and helped others, eventually working for the State of Minnesota helping even more.  He did this not to settle but he knew it was his calling and he answered it. With the love of God he accepted his life and mission and gave examples that despite what circumstances one has endured, it is for a reason. A reason we may not understand or see at that moment but God does have a plan. Don’t give up and don’t give in. Aaron did neither. He refused to let HIV and other factors excuse him from having a blessed life.

Aaron found true love with another great soul as they found each other in this crazy thing we call life. His name was Michael and you can say Michael was an angel in disguise because he promoted the love they had for each other and made it into a new life for them both, eventually sharing a new life together where Aaron moved thousand miles away to New York City to begin another chapter. Let me just say most people I know are scared to move to the next block and some are scared to move from that mental space but Aaron showed no fear. Even that didn’t stop him.

In his recent passing it has made me look at my own life and what excuses have I made for myself for not living my full potential. Living with HIV have I told myself I can’t do this or that because of my state of mind? Yes Aaron was in prison but he was still free. Some of us are free but still are in prison. Looking at our life beyond the bars of which we hold the key. Aaron has shown how easy it is to unlock your true potential and yes brother even in your passing I have to say that you will continue to be that motivator for life and your song and beautiful voice will continue to guide many, including me. And despite your death I can say you are the impossible as even that won’t stop you.

Love you dearly 

The Benefits of Having HIV

Recently an article was published on men who were not trying to prevent getting HIV but rather actually wanting a diagnosis of HIV/AIDS.  The article referenced gay men living in NYC, primarily African-American, as they provided their reason for wanting the disease. The basic premise of the article was that certain men saw a financial benefit from having a HIV diagnoses and could benefit by receiving services from the state such as free medical care, housing and a monthly stipend. This story, horrific as it sounded was not a surprise to those who work in the HIV field in NYC. I myself was not shocked to hear this as I had heard that it was a benefit to get HIV to better people’s living especially in the expensive city of New York City. Reading the story made me look at it in a different perspective which wasn't to question the motives of HIV positive men but to look at the systems here in NYC that creates an environment where having HIV is a benefit.

To be clear gay men don’t want HIV/AIDS but as described in the story and within the community they want the financial benefits that having HIV/AIDS offer them. The incentive of HIV/AIDS has in a way made it into a pension plan where there are many elements of long term care. What does it say about a system where it creates a unfavorable situation into a favorable and how can it be changed without punishing those who truly rely on it?

Mind you if we were to look at someone to blame we would have to look at several different factors that creates a system to be abused. The most obvious one is the societal level of the city itself as it’s recognized that many unbalanced equalities exist in New York City especially for gay men of color. Lack of employment, being uninsured and housing is a huge and growing problem for many but these issues affects gay youth in enormous numbers. Most people I worked with as clients faced homelessness or were in a situation where their living situation was temporary. 

Simply looking at the issue among the homelessness problem of LGBT youth in NYC it’s clear that the need outweigh the ability to offer youth a place to call home.   As Carl Sicilano of Ali Forney Center has pointed out, “LGBT youth make up 40 percent of the homeless youth population, accounting for 1,600 of NYC's 3,800 homeless youth. And NYC's response is even more horrifying: Only 250 youth shelter beds are provided by the city, forcing many youths to sleep in subways, on park benches, in abandoned buildings and on rooftops.”

For these individuals the price of having a disease prevails over their ability to receive housing and other services offered by the city. Individuals are in a situation where they weigh what is the most immediate harm. I use the word immediate as when you’re in a bleak situation, long term is not an option or a concern at the moment. So faced with the immediate dangers of being homeless brings versus a disease that is now perceived as manageable and doesn’t put one in immediate threat, in a way the issue of homelessness cancels out having the disease.

The second factor that should be looked at is the way social service agencies that support those with HIV assist with creating this entitlement of cash incentives.  In NYC HIV focused agencies will often give various ‘incentives’ to get clients in their doors. The process of offering incentives may have initially been seen as a way to encourage those who were hesitant to seek HIV services because of factors such as stigma and homophobia has now morphed into an attitude that one should receive an incentive to manage their care. 

This incentive approach to modify behavior is not new as it has been utilized by schools to help students improve their attendance or grades and even to donate blood but not everyone thinks it’s an effective tool of change. 

A recent study by economic professor Uri Gneezy found that proponents of using monetary incentives in behavioral interventions can be helpful in getting people to study or exercise more. But opponents believe that using incentives in those areas could backfire because extrinsic incentives may in some way crowd out intrinsic motivations that are important to producing the desired behavior

In New York City incentives to manage one’s HIV health may include a Metrocard, a free movie pass or a gift card depending where one goes.  The value of these can range from 5 to 25 dollars. Even the very act of going to receive a HIV test will usually net a person a monetary incentive. These can be considered on a small scale, a contributor to the thought that HIV has some type of financial rewards and could explain why the men who saw having AIDS as being favorable based on the rewards. 

For those aware of the incentives offered by social service agencies, they have learned to abuse this system as there is no unified way to track a person receiving an incentive from center to center. A knowledgeable person in one day can travel around the city and visit as many agencies as they can to get tested and receive incentives at each place. In some cases the person is already aware of their HIV status but proceeds to get tested based on the incentive they will receive. It’s similar to a child on Halloween going house to house collecting candy only in this case an individual doesn't have to wait a year to do the same routine.

Also HIV agencies don’t want to turn anyone away as providing services for their clients is sometimes more about quantity than quality as HIV initiatives becomes more a number game set by funders. This quota set by a city; state or federal grant is basic in all grants and is expected to be met for future funding. This has a relationship with incentives offered as incentives among agencies are not uniformed but rather the idea is to get the best incentive that will bring people in and keep them coming. From HIV support groups to HIV events and even mental health care, all offer some type of incentive to get consumers to walk through the doors.

To be fair many clients need the incentives especially those needing transportation. The problem is that it goes beyond the basic need and modifies a person approach to their health. No longer is one wanting to maintain their health because after all it is their health, but they have now been indoctrinate into a system that communicates that maintaining one’s health should be rewarded. Looking at offering incentives many studies have shown when trying to change behavior incentives don’t work as when the incentives are removed the motivation to change also disappears. So as this disease changes the way to get people into care and staying into care has to change and that includes offering incentives to manage one’s health.

There’s no need to throwing out the baby with the bath water as incentives in a short term way has some value but in a long term way especially in New York City a model has to be created that doesn't create a culture where having HIV/AIDS has a benefit.

Loving Self

In a previous blog I touched on the subject of self-hate that many gays show to each other and how that is reflected in the way we interact.  I want to continue this discussion as it’s an important topic that needs to be talked about. What I presented in the previous blog was more of awareness and this time I would like to try to answer the question I posed in how we love ourselves as same gender loving men living with HIV.

Self-hate is one of the most destructive traits to have as it hinders your ability to form and even maintain relationships with others. For some it may manifest itself as displaying the way you feel about yourself externally to strangers and people you know. It’s a sad matter when another gay person I  encounter within the first few seconds of coming into view of me, greets me with a look of disdain or scorn when they don’t even know my person. Some call it giving ‘shade’ but remove the fancy naming of it and the reality is that it’s a showing of how that person feels about themselves.

Most self-hating behaviors come from encountering opposing views of our sexuality. The process of not having the ability to simply’ be’ based on homophobia leaves many in a repressed state where they have to contain their true selves. Adding HIV to the mix, you know feel further distanced from your own gay community as it’s recognized that within that community lies stigma and rejection based on your status. Living in an environment where it feels no one accepts you, we sometimes place the blame on ourselves and wish things and ourselves were different. 

Self-hating behaviors also can lead to risky behaviors such as unsafe sex and heavy usage of drugs and alcohol and is one off the contributors to depression. You reach that place of not caring and embrace negative traits as a way to simply forget or not deal with the situation that you’re in.

So how do you navigate around this hostility and looking at ourselves how do we fix a part of us that we don’t particularly like? In addition as gay individuals living with HIV, how do we remove that negativity out of our lives and find the way to love ourselves even when we don’t feel others do.  Answering the question I looked at five ways to move to a place of self-love.

1.      

      Stop Auditioning

      We all have something to contribute and give to the world. But living in the judgment of others we stop finding out who we are and what we like. We become passive in our interactions and our wants and desires are not acknowledged. I know this personally as I once lived a life feeling I had to please others to like me and accept me.  Based on a previous history of child abuse and now having HIV I was looking for the love of others and didn’t realize I wasn’t giving it to myself. It felt as when I met someone I was doing a tap dance, putting on a show for that person to like me. I was auditioning for their attention and affection. Stop auditioning and seeking the approval of others. Recognize that true love is someone who accepts you fully for who you are and don’t require you to audition for their love. A person who truly cares for you will not only look out for their wants but will also make sure yours are being met. Acceptance is a two way street and should never be one way. If it is step off the stage and give your own self a bow for knowing you don’t have to seek the approval of others, whether it’s  someone you know or strangers.

2.       Start Seeing the Love Around You

Often I hear people state that there are no good men or women and how one is overlooked while others get attention. In their quest for love or building friendships the search becomes frustrating and the behavior of one is now used to judge others. So instead of one person being shallow you start to see everyone as shallow. Unfortunately by using such a broad brush we miss out on good people who are giving you attention. We have focused so much on those who won’t give us the time of the day and have developed blinders to those who are trying to garner our attention.  We focus on those who won’t love us because of one’s HIV status and don’t recognize that for that one who rejects you, they are simply making room for those who will accept you. We can push away good people by not seeing the love that is around us. That person may not have all the physical attributes we like or may not fit that perfect mold, but unless you’re giving perfection you can’t expect it. We all have flaws and recognizing that we start giving more attention to those who truly want to get to know us as opposed to those who won’t give you the time of the day

3.       Stop the Negative Talk

Ask yourself would people want to be around you if they were able to hear the dialogue that happens in your conscious. Better yet would you want to be around yourself if you heard so much negativity on a daily basis? We can be our own worst enemy when it comes to negative thinking. We beat ourselves with so much negative talk that we start to believe it. Then we wonder why people don’t want to be around you. Negativity thoughts block you from reaching your full potential and are a classic example of self-hating behavior. Having HIV doesn’t make you ugly; our negative thinking makes us ugly. HIV is what you have it’s not who you are. In a nut shell if you don’t think highly of yourself why would anyone else. The loving process begins with you and you’d be surprised how people will flock toward you based on sensing the love you’re showing yourself. It’s also a good way to prevent engagement in negative behaviors as you’ve switched your internal dialogue from ‘no one loves me’ to ‘I love myself”

4.       It’s Not About You

Sometimes we want to personalize our interactions and become bitter when someone doesn’t seem interested in us. Sometimes we think it’s something we did, the way we look or our HIV status. We even sometimes g o into a long elaborate story of the person’s motive for non-engagement. When you think about it that’s a lot of energy. And you’ll realize its misplaced energy when you accept that it’s not about you. It sounds so simple because it is. Sometimes a person may not accept your attention or advancement because they may not be in a place to. One has no idea what stressors that person is going through let alone their history.  We want to take their lack of response as a negative and turn it back on ourselves where now we have anger for not only that person but the whole gender. It’s unfair to them and it’s unfair to you. Recognizing it’s not about you will lessen the edge and you’ll learn how to have empathy. In the same breath it’s not an invite to try to fix that person. It’s only not your job but you’re simply setting yourself up for failure and more bitterness. Just move on to someone who’s ready to have that engagement.    

5.       Practice Saying I Love Me

This last practice of removing self-hate will sound revolutionary when I present it. A best practice of confronting self-hating aspects of you is to look in the mirror each morning and to tell yourself that you love you. It may sound vain but why is loving yourself such a bad thing? It can be a daily practice to look in the mirror and not look for the negative or what’s out of place, but to look for all the positive things about you.  Look and embrace you no matter what part of your body you’re looking at. It can be out of shape or the wrong color no matter it’s a part of you and that makes it and you unique. Focus on all the great characteristics that makes you and embrace it.  Most importantly when you tell yourself how much you love what you’re seeing also go beyond the external and give yourself acknowledgement for enduring the hardships in your life and still rising to meet other challenges. Take credit for the fact that despite your circumstances you have still rise and our beauty is more than your reflection.

 But most importantly love you and if no one in the world loves you (which I doubt) you can take comfort in the fact there’s one person that loves you unconditionally; and that’s you.

The Online Race

There has been plenty of discussion about race and race relations in this country. Expressed feelings are still being stated from the not guilty verdict of George Zimmerman and most recently we heard the opinion of CNN newscaster Don Lemon who echoed a known conservative as they gave voice to black responsibility or rather lack of it.. For some reason Don Lemon’s comment, an African American and recently out gay man, seemed to have provided the biggest sting. Timelines of social media from Facebook to Twitter have had many either agreeing or disagreeing with his statement and countering it with their own. For myself I could barely keep up with the attached links of articles discussing Mr. Lemon’s statement and the numerous sharing and ‘liking ‘of the information. As the news feed of my Facebook page refreshed, what hit me as I watched the collective voices was, when do we, the people who care about race and race relations move our actions and reactions from the online world and bring it to the real world?

Facebook and other social media are good in that they keep one instantly inform about issues. Whether it’s a news bite, breaking news or an article of interest, in a minute we can share that information and comment on how we feel. When it comes to matters of race we can sit on our couches, our desktop at work and even relax in the local coffee shop sipping on our latte and talk about how upset we are with a recent story or statement connected to race. Yet that’s where it ends. Our outrage is contained to the space we’re in and not making its way to the battlefields. There’s public venting but no public action.

Instead what happens is that we regurgitate this hate and make sure our friends and those on our friends list can see it but we don’t sign off social media to insert ourselves in this current race war. I wonder what the civil rights movement would have looked like if they had social media back then. Would there have been marches and people placing themselves on the frontlines sacrificing their freedoms and their lives. Would we all have gathered ourselves and with what few dollars we had in our pockets and made our way to the March on Washington to hear Dr. Martin Luther King or would we have sat in the comfort of our homes and streamed it while making dinner. Even during the early 70’s when justice was still hard to come by and afros were as big as the back pride people carried, would we have pushed ourselves away from our Macs to say out loud, “I’m black and I’m proud” or would it have been a Facebook daily status when it asks how are we today?

After the Supreme Court dismantling of voting rights I’m still looking for the daily marches of people who are affected but instead greeted by people who walk around the city not with their ‘eyes on the prize’ but their eyes attached to their smart phone as race relations become unchecked and the blood of our ancestors who fought for this right is spilled in vain.

When do we become involved in the real world and push ourselves from the online aspect of it? I ask this question of myself as well as I don’t want to fall into the shoes of Don Lemon who sticks his head out and states what is wrong with black folks yet doesn't lift a finger to solve the problem when he has the means and the capital to do so. At least when Bill Cosby pretty much made the same statements years ago he showed his commitment with his foundation which address literacy among youth. What Mr. Lemon fails to do is show any action for his concern. Instead using media to put out his opinion and join the circus of everyone else that does the same when it comes to race.

So when do we walk the walk instead of talk the talk? How many more times are we going to be outraged online over a race incident that we shouldn’t be surprised happened because of the atmosphere or the person and the history of how racism has shown itself? When are we going to power down the computer and power up our fight in the streets of low income areas, in under funded schools and even broken homes that we judge from afar? Black men, why aren’t we all big brothers or mentors to at least one youth in the neighborhood or in our families? Black sisters why aren’t every one showing our black youth, the ones who are getting an inadequate education or just lost faith in it, how to use education to their benefit? How many black intellects and theorist do we need huddled together patting each other on the back using ten letter words as a system which was not designed for blacks continue to go unchallenged in the real world?

 I go back to an old saying, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem”. Changes in race won’t be made online but as our elders before us, we have to hit the streets and become connected to what’s going on and disconnect ourselves from the social media that has stalled the progress of race relations. This call even goes out to me who sometimes get caught up in the frenzy especially with Mr. Lemon’s comment. Whether he’s right or wrong doesn’t make a difference. It’s the action of those who care about race relations and those ready to jump out of the cyber world to roll up their sleeves and start a movement, that’s the difference we need!

Deconstructing My HIV

I know early on when I found out about my HV diagnoses I had the question most may ask. Why me? Why did I have to get this disease and have it impact my life? What did I do wrong? Was God mad at me or was he trying to teach me a lesson? My life was supposed to have been different and this was not the way I had planned. They say everything happens for a reason but why was this my example and what was the reason? Wasn’t there another way I could make an impact? In looking at these questions and trying to find the answer I had to deconstruct my HIV and reconstruct it in so that I could find the meaning. I had to do this and after all these years go back and find the meaning of my HIV status.

I remember the years when I was told my status. I was in a literal free-fall. I simply felt I no longer had a purpose. I had stepped into the unknown and with little answers I felt I was on my own. I was a quiet child and kept to myself. I had yet to find my voice. My experience like almost everything at that age was still new as I had yet made it out my teen years. I think along with the question of who was going to love me I also asked myself how I was going to love myself.

The one thing I didn't like about my status is that it made me passive. I was not in a place where I was looking out for my interest but I was more concerned how others would react or feel about me being positive. That was one of the reasons I had a hard time with disclosure as telling someone your HIV status placed me in a passive position in waiting to see how they would respond. Holding my breath preparing for their reaction, leaving my fate in their hands. Like an innocent puppy I accepted this role and when I told my truth and was rejected for it I was more angry at myself for placing myself in a position to be rejected. I learned the word humble very early. I learned not to disclose.

I walked with anger or rather I let the anger of my situation control me. Many people see me as this respectable and educated person now but they didn’t witness my dark period. It was a time when I woke up angry for no reason. It worked for me or at least I though as it helped push people away. That’s what I wanted. I didn’t want anyone to understand me or join me on my journey. I didn’t want my guard down to once again place myself in a position to be rejected. I was unaware that I was also setting myself up for isolation and the depression that usually accompany it.

Finally finding someone I could tell my secret to they still had no idea what I was experiencing. Many people who don’t have HIV believe that they can read stories or articles and have a sense of how it is to live with HIV. Honestly there’s simply no way to communicate all the nuances of living as a positive person. It’s not just about taking a pill or making sure to see your doctor regularly. It’s now a part of your character and an aspect that stays tucked in the back of your mind finding little moments to remind you it’s still with you. There are aspects of it one will never grasp as the stories vary from person to person and there are differences in how it’s viewed by others based on gender, race and sexuality. 

There’s a saying that I can relate to. It says how one was so down that they had to reach up to touch the bottom. I think for me I was at a point when I was tired of touching the bottom of my life and wanted to reclaim my full potential. The way to do that was to first get out of the passive role and get assertive with my dealings in life. I had to stop looking at myself as a victim and get back behind the wheels of my destiny. I had to do something revolutionary. I had to learn how to love myself despite my health situation.

In this place of reconstruction I had to tear away from the people who didn’t have my best interest in mind. I had to stop focusing on who didn’t love me and bring forward in my life those who did love me. My construction of self-meant tearing down the wall I had placed around my heart. I also had to destroy bridges that led me to negative behaviors and make new bridges that placed me on a road to my purpose.

I learned to say the word no. I repeat I learned to say the word ‘no’ especially if I found no benefit in my life and teaching myself to say yes to opportunities that I may have thought I wasn’t ready for. I stopped feeling guilty about placing myself first and although there is no cure, staying healthy not for any other but my own benefit.