On February 9th, the world celebrated the coming out of the
first prospective NFL football pick Michael Sam Jr. It was truly a historic
moment because he would be the first active professional football player to come
out as gay. The declaration was greeted
positively, even in the most unlikely corners. From social media to news outlets
around the world, this was a momentous ‘coming out event’. Sadly, the one person
who did not add his voice to the chorus was Michael Sam’s father. Immediately
after Michael Jr’s announcement, Michael Sam Sr. was quoted by a New York Times
reporter as saying, “he’s from the old school” and that “he didn’t want his
grandchildren to be raised in ‘that kind’ of environment.
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Michael Sam Sr. talking to reporters |
Although Michael Sam Sr. claims he was misquoted, it did not
stop people from saying that he was out of touch and insensitive to the needs
of his own child. He has been since been labeled a homophobe on countless message
boards. He also represented the image of
the African American who has struggled with accepting those who are gay. In the days since the New York Times article was
published, Michael Sr. has himself taken
to online media to explain his side of the story and counter what he says have
been many misquotes.
I am here to defend Michael Sam Sr. I understand the mix of emotions he has been experiencing
since learning his son is gay. I saw my own mother go through the same range of
emotions when learning that I was attracted to men. Although Michael Sam Sr.
may not stand by his ‘”old school” statement any longer, my mother not only
stood by it but drilled it in our heads.
She said that being gay was not an
option. She was the daughter of a Baptist preacher from Oklahoma City and her
bible told her that a man lies with a woman. She would literally remind us of
the many ways we would die if we were gay.
Years later, as I struggled with coming out, she was the
last one I told. Although I was a grown man in my mid-twenties, the fear
remained that she would carry through on one of the many threats I heard
growing up. After hearing Michael Sr’s comments, I immediately heard my
mother’s voice. I understood Michael Sam Sr. Many mothers and fathers don’t have
the right words when their child comes out. The hard truth is that there is no
rule book on what to say and not say.
How to feel or not feel. Coming
out was no doubt a huge deal for Michael Sam Jr. But it’s a bigger deal for his loved ones.
The person coming out receives all kinds of support. But the family is simply left to assimilate
and accept the news. Michael Sam Jr. had years to think about coming out,
coming to terms with who he is. Michael Sam
Sr. did not have the luxury of time.
Although I don’t know Michael Sam Sr., I guarantee he loves
his son. He has said so unequivocally
throughout his online media blitz. It was the same love my mother had but she
showed it in a different way.
Now that I’m older, I understand where her words
came from. They came from a place of fear. She knew what lay ahead for me as a
gay black man. Raised during segregation, she knew what racism looked like. She
knew that, based on my skin color alone, I would have to work harder and longer
than less qualified whites. She knew that
within the African American community there was hostility and hate for people
who were gay. She protected us from the
regular things too. She taught us look both
ways before crossing the street and not to talk to strangers. But how could a
mother protect her son from those who hate him because he’s gay?
For Michael Sam Jr. we have to be real and recognize the NFL
has not been that welcoming to its gay players.
Look how the NFL treats women and plays suspected to be gay. We’re
hearing comments about how some players will feel uncomfortable knowing a gay
man is in the shower. I’m sure that Michael Sam Sr. is aware of the possible
harm that could befall his son in this macho environment.
My mother’s protection was a way for her to try and scare
the gay out of us. She believed that her
threats would deter us from being who we were.
Other parents may have other tools of protection they use when they
suspect their child might be gay. It may be avoidance, it may be rejection, and
it may be failed attempts at deprogramming. In the end, it’s all for naught. But
these are protection mechanisms that all parents feel. As a volunteer speaker for PFLAG (Parents and
Friends of Lesbian and Gays), I’ve met many parents who have to come to terms
with their child’s coming out and are fortunate to not have a national
spotlight on them.
Hearing the stories of parents in PFLAG the one word that is
consistently shared is the word “fear” because, no matter what, all they want is
the best for their child. But I benefit as I hear the stories of parents who
received support from other parents in the program finally knowing what it
means for their child to be gay and that it will be okay. The parents knowing
that they have not failed as a parent to their child. My happy story was that
eventually my mother came to accept me and my partner but it took time. In fact,
it took years. But just as I was learning what it meant to be gay, my mother
had to also learn what it meant. Coming out is a two way street.
So, rather than demonize Michael Sam Sr., think of him as representing
parents who have to come to terms with the sexuality of their child. And just
as the world is coming out to support Michael Jr. the same support should be
offered to Sr. He represents the parents who ask the questions, “What do I do
now?” Organizations like PFLAG are a great place to start having conversations
with other parents who learn their child is gay. What’s not fair is turning a
national spotlight on a father and expecting him to have the “right” response right
away when there isn’t one. Michael Sam Sr., rest assured that it will get
better.