The Pity Party is Over

 So now you know that you got HIV, the 'bug' or maybe you've called it the Monster in your circle. Whatever you call it, you have it so now what?

Before you get to deep into this post I have to warn you that this is not an Oprah moment but a frank reality check that may offend and shock but hopefully wake you to your situation. This isn’t the time to tiptoe.

Now that you’re carrying the disease you now have two choices with your life: you can live or you can die.

For those who choose to die stop reading now and start planning your funeral.

For those who choose life, realize that the pity party is over and you have no one to blame but yourself. I know that may sound harsh but we're not in the infancy of this disease but it is something that has been here for three decades. Like my mother would say, “you should have known better”.

It's time to start taking responsibility that you chose to have sex unprotected and yes your partner had the disease but you can’t blame him for giving you the virus. The responsibility also fell on your shoulders when you decided to open your legs or got on your back without a simple piece of latex as a barrier.

You're not living in a Beyonce video. By putting a ring on it doesn't make him monogamous. We sometimes get so wrapped up in the package we don’t take time to see what’s in the box. We think we’re that person’s first but you should assume they were infected and not accept the online status where they marked negative or they’ve given the answer you wanted to hear just for a booty call.

Now it's time to put the blame and accusations away in the cupboard and take accountability for your life and stop telling yourself you don't want to die from this disease. You're going to die from something no matter who you are and sometimes when we become infected we spend our living life worried about death that we forget how to live. We allow ourselves to become the walking dead. Focus on the life you have as imperfect as it is. Thank God you're alive to recognize its imperfect value.

Lift your head and quit telling yourself you deserved it. Stop saying you deserved it because you’re poor or you’re a person of color or you didn’t have a role model. Those are just excuses we build around ourselves to take away the ownership of our actions.

How can we blame poverty as the cause when most every city in this country has a fishbowl of free condoms sitting on someone desk? If you’re ashamed of getting a free condom just use that same fearfulness you use to have sex with a random stranger to propel you to get over that shame.

Now that you have it know that this is going to mess you up mentally. As strong as we want to be we underestimate the beating down you will experience mentally. You may look in the mirror for sores or weight loss or skin issues, but just know that just knowing you have this disease makes an imprint on your mental psyche. Something you won’t see when you look in the mirror.

Take ownership of your anger, your denial, and your depression and have them stop leading you. Turn your position around and step in front of them as you should be determining your footsteps. So get the help you need as you’re not on this journey alone.

And get ready for a storm of stigma and discrimination and a wave of ignorance from people who will never know the shoes you’re walking in. But remember you’re not living your life for them. You’re living your life for you. Stand strong and know you have as much a right to be here as they do. And whatever you do don’t feel like you have to audition for their affection or attention. This especially goes for family. We can easily make new friends, but we can also build a new family if they decide to not accept you for you. This is a new you and if they can’t accept you for who you are, move on. They are the ones losing.

But now that you know, know that you’re not broke. You’re still a whole person with the same soul. You’re still standing so use that stand to define the life you want to live.

But most importantly don’t stop living. The disease doesn’t define who you are; you define how that disease will fit into your life.

Now that you know move whatever is blocking your blessings and press on!

Dancing to Hate

One of my favorite forms of music is R&B, having grown up listening to artist like Earth, Wind and Fire, the Ohio Players and soon being introduced to artists such as Prince and the only lady in the world I would turn straight if she asked me to, Janet Jackson.

Soon rap was thrown in that mix but not to sound old but when rap was introduced by artists such as Sugerhill Gang and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, it was fun and touched on social issues that were affecting the black community. They created unity through their expression of music by bringing to light the issues of poverty, racism and black unity.

You never heard the word, "nigger' or 'faggot' or any other derogatory comments. Women were not told to bend over and shake that ass and manhood was not defined by how much bling you had or what designer labels covered your body.

Yet a shift happened. Rap artists and the music they sang changed. What was once empowering was now manufacturing language of hate and objectification. It seemed that manhood was defined on reducing those who were gay to less than and it became the norm for homophobic lyrics to work their way onto the dance floor.

It has even reached a point where certain artist through what they call music suggests that we 'kill the faggots', sending orders to young men of color who sometimes don't have the mental maturity to know the difference between right or wrong. Or worse, the music reinforces the beliefs they have been raised with by either their family or the church and peers in the community.

In a perfect world it would be nice for well known rappers produce lyrics that speak against such hate. Yet to do so would bring suspicion on them and have people and various African-American social media outlets wondering if they are gay. There's a certain website in particular of which I won't name simply because I don't want to help with their boost in viewers who questions any man who hugs or is in close approximately to another man as being suspect. 

They would really gag if they were overseas as in other countries such as the Middle East men hold hands while walking and embrace each other or give a peck on the cheek as a form of goodbye. Even though they are not gay such actions in America would be construed as gay.

The biggest hypocrisies is that there are many rappers who are gay yet would never dare to put that label on them. In the eye of the public they may sing to us how it's sickening to be gay and at night they're doing the actions that they condemn. I'm fortunate enough to have friends who work in the industry and have had personal eyewitness accounts of well known rappers who are anti-gay yet have a taste for the male flesh. Unfortunately this is not a column on outing people, mostly as I feel that outing is not an effective way for people to accept their identity and also it provokes people who may be considered coming out, less likely based on the public reaction which is surrounded by gossip and not support.

To be fair not all rappers condone hateful language. Artists such as Kayne West, Russell Simmons and The Game state they have no issues with those who are gay. They are but a few who have given public support. In mentioning The Game I respect his public comments in his support for 'gays' but sometimes when you take a step forward you inadvertently take a step back. In a recent article he states that he's comfortable with 'them' but blames them for the spread of AIDS in the linked website.
The Game on gays

It's sad to say but in this age and with the accessible information, people think only someone gay is either at risk or has the ability to pass along AIDS. Anyone, regardless of sexuality and race can get or pass along AIDS.

A serious dialogue has to be created about this type of thinking and behaviors of rappers spreading their messages of hate. The best way to hit rappers is where it hurts, their wallets. Whether you're gay or not by not supporting an artist who wrap their beats in hate, a message can be sent that it won't be tolerated. And even though the beats may be jamming and and you tell yourself 'it's my song' we have to draw a line and say this is not acceptable.

I know it hurts as I have had to erase from my IPod certain songs that have the inclusion of derogatory themes. And in not to be a hypocrite but it's not just songs that demonize gays but also the ones that treat women as if they are a piece of meat.

Will my actions change anything? Who knows? But in unity we can move mountains but for me the dancing to hate is over and I only dance for love. When it comes to hateful lyrics, I bow out gracefully.   

How do we address rappers who spread their homophobic beliefs through their beats?

Death before Dying

From September the 4th to the 10th of 2011 around the country, it's National Suicide Prevention Week. It's not a glamorous topic to write about but we have to recognize the impact it has for individuals, especially those who are LGBT youth as well as adults.

My own brush with suicide was in my early twenties. I was at a place where I felt rejected by everyone, my family, friends and in a way myself. At the time it felt I was living someone else life as I was struggling with not only my sexual identity but also the fact that I had this thing in me called HIV.
It was a suffering in silence as I dared not share my secret with anyone for fear of rejection as well as condemnation.

I can still remember when I made my attempt. It was after a time when I was crying for help without crying for help, if that makes any sense. I wanted people to ask how I was doing but everyone seemed to be to busy with their own lives. So I reached out to people hoping that they could read my mind and know I had these thoughts of taking myself out of the game, but unfortunately whatever signals I was putting out was being missed.

So there I was alone in my small apartment, sitting at a small table with a phone and a bottle of Tylenol. The phone was in case someone's spider sense kicked in and they knew what I was about to do. I would even occasionally pick up the phone to make sure it was working, and it was. The dial tone made it seemed no one cared.

I opened the Tylenol bottle and stared at the full bottle and each one went from my hand to my mouth. Eventually before I knew it the bottle was half empty, just like my life. I already felt that I was dead before the actual act of dying.
Thankfully I got the nerve to pick up that phone one last time and make one last attempt to reach out and this time instead of playing the guessing game I let the person know what I did. They reacted right away and got me help. I made it.

Yet there are many who don't make it. especially when looking at LGBT youth.According to National American Association of Suicidology they report that gay high school students and those unsure of their sexuality were 3.4 times more likely to have attempted suicide in the last year as compared to their peers. It's hard to get an accurate number of how many attempts are successful as sexual orientation and gender are not often on death certificates.
For African Americans suicide is the third leading cause of death among African-American youth, ages 10-19. In other words suicide is not something that only white people do.

Although it's a depressing topic, I feel this week is important as it wakes us up to the reality of suicide as a choice. I know for myself, it would have made such a big difference if someone had reached out to me instead of me reaching out to them. Yet now there are resources where you can call and no matter what your sexual identity or issue, someone is available to speak to you by phone without judgement.

Because of the stigma and identity issues LGBT encounter, if you're a friend, whether gay or straight, we should take a few minutes out of our lives and check on our friends and family.  There's a value in reaching out and just letting them know that whatever they may be going through, they're not alone and you're there for them. Or you know someone you can connect them with to talk before they act.

The one thing we can't do is turn back the hands of time. Something I wish I could have done when a friend last November took his life because he couldn't handle being gay. Knowing I spoke to him two days before he did it. I wish I knew what to look for.

To get more information on suicide and what to look for in others who may be contemplating it go to The National Suicide Prevention Week website. There's also resources for those who may be thinking they have no other options.

Know that although life is not what you want it to be and you may feel you're stuck in a corner remember that sometimes to get to the sun we have to make it through the clouds. We all need that support and through that support we can remove thoughts of dying with images of life.