You're Fired

I have talked about this issue before but felt it needed revisiting or maybe I just needed a release as it just recently happened. I'm talking about firing my doctor. Giving him the pink slip and thanking him for the little he has done and calling it quits.

I'll back up a bit and state how I was referred from my primary doctor to a specialist concerning a HIV related issue. Usually when you go to a specialist you're starting a new relationship and sometimes a different mode of how they operate. Yet if you've been referred by your primary they usually do it knowing the specialist will be a match.

For me that was not the case. When I arrived it was great to experience a welcoming reception room where sometimes it can be a horrendous experience. Yet in this case they were real pleasant. So I felt good about seeing this new doctor.

I should have know by the first omen when the doctor called me and as i was walking to the door to follow him, it literally starting closing in my face and if it wasn't for my quickness i would have had an instant nose job. But still I gave him the benefit.

I shouldn't have done that as when we sat in the examination room he came at me quick with questions.
"What are you here for and why do you need to see me"
"Where are your records? You're wasting my time with no records"
"When did you experience symptoms? Please I don't need the long story just tell me the date"

This was literally within ten minutes of sitting down. As if we were on a timer. Usually I don't get agitated but he started to bring me to that place. The thing that pushed me over is when I told him I had been living in New York for about nine years and he leaned into me and stated

"If you plan to stay in New York you have to be quicker with your response. I'm not just hanging out with you at a party"

That was it!

My tongue came untied.

If he wanted to see the New Yorker, then ask and you shall receive. No foul language was used but without jumping out of myself I told him about his professionalism and his treatment and how not only did I not care for it but I wasn't going to allow it. Now since I'm paying you, you're actually the customer and I have no problem taking my business somewhere else.

I just wonder why do you need to call someone on their stuff that motivates them to suddenly be nice to you. In other words something set off a trigger in him that said, "He's not like the others" 

And if he was used to treating people like a commodity and not speaking back, then he was right, I'm not like the others. In the end I was like the others as he did have me out the office within thirty minutes, probably to satisfy the medical insurance companies
‘Get them in and get them out,’ like cattle.

The moral or reminder for me is that a relationship between medical providers is important and no one should be made to feel like herded sheep no matter what credentials the doctor has. There are many good specialists out there, but then there are some that have gotten high on their fame that you can't tell them the sky is blue.

When it comes to my health I don't care how many awards you have on your wall. Your friends may give you medals but I refuse to reward you!

So at that moment when stated we need to schedule a new appointment, I politely gathered my coat and straightened my tie and in a clear calm voice told him,

'No thanks. By the way you're fired.'  

I would be the fool to come back and be subjected and when it comes to health; we must be empowered to speak up in our own defense. Like Maya Angelou stated, "When they show you who they are, believe them." I saw enough and walked away to find another specialist who's looking for my business.

You may steal my co-pay but you won't steal my joy!

Brother Can You Spare A Roof

"When you graduate from high school you're going to get out of my house"
My mother let me know that in the 11th grade after a blow up about something of which I can't recall, but I did remember her words.

A year later she kept to her promise and reminded me a week after I graduated. I was 18. Although I was legally an adult I was just getting used to the role. Yet here I was getting kicked from the nest with the clothes on my back and no plan and most importantly no place to go.

I was homeless.

And if things were not already bad it was the year that I found out that I had this thing call HTLV-3 but today we now call it HIV. All the dreams I had for myself of being this famous actor and writer went flying away from me and the world seemed to come crashing down on my shoulders.

I was fortunate to have several relatives who let me sleep on their couch and when I started to become that question, "Why are you still here?" It was time for me to find a new couch. The virus was never a factor in my life as i was in survival mode. I knew it was there but I placed it as a low priority. My main goal was having a roof over my head and something in my stomach.

I did make the time to see a doctor for a short while but when he tried to put me on medication it was a no-no. In my situation how was I going to take these pills on a regular basis and the kicker is that one of them required that I take one with each meal. What meal? And where was I supposed to put these pills especially when no one in my life knew that I was gay and to find out I also had this disease would only compound all my bad luck.

At the time I was giving God a silent treatment so I couldn't put it in his hands. I simply had to do what I had to do to make it day to day. some of it I'm not proud of but looking back, when you're in a place in your life where you feel you're stuck in a corner.

Today there are many young people in the same boat. Homeless and living with HIV. Both comes with a certain degree of danger and questions on how am I going to do this? usually when people think that you're homeless they immediately ask why don't you go to a shelter. The reason it wasn't an option was that shelters, especially if you're gay, is sometimes a reflection of the non-tolerance real world only it comes with physical harm. Ask a homeless youth today and they'll tell you that they would rather sleep on the street than risk their lives in a shelter.

Fortunately for me I only had to sleep outside for less than a week. Someone gave me a Chevy Chevette that went as fast as 25 miles per hour but it got me from here to there. It drove faster than my hopes. It also became my living/dining and eventually bedroom. I didn't need to take a yoga class as the car with its small size made me conform to it. It was so small I didn't even have room for the tears that wanted to fall from me. Tears asking, "why me?"

My adventure on the streets were over when the city placed me in emergency housing. It was a small efficiency in a senior apartment building, but I was not complaining as it had a roof.

Even though God and me were not on speaking terms, he was still working on my behalf. It took two years of being homeless and it wasn't until I got a place that I was able to take stock of my life and start to deal with this thing called HIV. It moved quickly up the list.

Now here I am having been blessed with seeing the world, meeting fascinating people, recapturing my dreams and returning back to God. HIV and homelessness is not a good match and that's why even today I never judge anyone who asks for spare change as they're not all drug users. I should know as I used to be one of them.

When we look at HIV and not having a place to rest our heads it's not easy. Yet in a weird way I'm stronger for it and know that I was one of the lucky ones. Some can't share my story. Hopefully through this i was able to share their story as we all want the same thing...a place to call home.

My life of being homeless for two years and living with HIV.

New Year Resolutions

I thought with the dawn of a new year I would share a simple short list of my resolutions that I have placed in front of me of which i will do my best to do and if I fail in any capacity to follow through with one, instead of feeling guilty I will pick myself up, brush off the dirt and try again until I get it right!

So without further ado- My top 12 resolutions

1. I will forgive not only myself but others for any transgressions and will start over with a clean plate.

2. I will make my health a top priority which includes taking all meds on time, not missing a dosage. Going to all doctor appointments and be preventive instead of reactive. Most of all I will not consume unhealthy food on a consistent basis which means that I will eliminate junk foods, fast foods and other foods that contribute to an early death.

3. I will start muting the voices of the past and quit using the past as the reason why I'm not able to move forward. I recognize I only give it power when I won't let it stay buried

4. I will look in the mirror and accept all my flaws. I won't try to kill myself to get a six pack so you can 'like' me and at the same time have enough dignity to not display my nakedness on the web to be validated. I will love the body I'm in yet still work on it for my approval and no one else

5. I'm going to stop being friends with isolation and be open to meeting new people and new places. No more of waiting for someone to call and instead taking the initiative

6. On purpose this goal is in the center because it represents my resolution of letting God be the center of all my joys and to continue to strengthen my relationship with him and to stop asking him what I want and instead ask him, "how can I serve you"

7. I will take the limits off and remind myself I'm here for a reason despite my status I can do anything with determination, will and God.

8. I will dream once again in color

9. I will allow myself to cry. And in that crying have my tears transform me to feel renewed and having a purpose.

10. I will let myself love and only let in those who show me the same love. I won't stay stuck in a place where the showing and giving of love is a one way street or attempting to convince someone of the love I possess. If they can't accept the gift then I'll share it with someone who's open to receive it and whether its family or friends, make them aware that my love is here but I'm not going to spend my life trying to make you see how beautiful it looks.

11. I'm going to remove myself from people who want to kill my dreams. People who are emotional vampires who suck the joy out of my existence and leave me empty.

12. I'm going to keep asking myself, "If not now, when?" And realize that I'm here for a reason. I have HIV for a reason. I am black for a reason. I have a voice for a reason and in spite of my condition I will not be a walking dead and instead live my life as if it's my last. I'm going to wake up from my dreams and start making them happen and never tell myself, it's too late!  I can’t stay where I was!  

So in the next 365 days and beyond I'll keep my arms stretched up to what I'm supposed to be.

That is my resolution.