When New York City passed the rights for gay couples to get
married it was defiantly a happy and history making occasion. The same rights
were now being given to those who were previously denied based solely on their
sexuality. So from a gay African-American perspective I’ll express my feelings
on the rights of gays to marry.
Much as been stated in the news with Obama’s recent
announcement and the NAACP following suit by throwing their support behind marriage.
You would think the flood gates of black America’s acceptance of gay union was
something all people of color were behind one hundred percent but honestly the announcement
which was welcomed has not been accepted fully black by America as we’re
reminded that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. But that’s another
conversation to be had as if we truly looked at the lived the words of the bible
we’d all be sinners. But again I digress.
But personally I initially was not behind the cause not
because it wasn’t important or that I didn’t think that life long partners
should have rights. I just felt that at the time there was more pressing matters
in the black community that should have taken precedence such as the continued rise
in HIV in the community. It seemed that gay marriage was more of the white gay
agenda and that train was going full but HIV which was affecting blacks, was an
issue delegated to the caboose, being left far behind.
So my support for marriage was not as strong. I wasn’t ready
to climb that wedding cake not with so many people, my people, getting
infected. I felt that way up until last year when the same sex marriage bill in
NYC was passed. I personally had to reexamine my feelings as I was in a
relationship and like others in NYC who were in a relationship it probably made
them think, is this person I want to be with all my life? Do I want to stay
with one box of cereal when I can have a multipack of choices?
Choices.
That was the key word. In New York City why settle down with
one person when you had choices. Why stay committed to a person and feel like
you were stuck. Why be in this Loch Ness Monster we call ‘relationship’, a
beast you hear about but never truly see. And if you see it, it doesn’t last
for long.
But I wasn’t in that place. I had someone who loved me,
despite my status. Someone who was negative and accepted me unconditionally, HIV
and all. And over the 13 years in my relationship it hasn’t been all sunshine,
as there have been fights and arguments and even a period when we briefly took
a break from each other. But during those times I learned two lessons. Sometimes
we don’t realize what you have until it’s gone and most importantly being
reminded that a relationship isn’t a relationship when everything is going
well. A true relationship is when you have a disagreement or something happens such
as a break of trust and instead of running away you both work on it until you
fix whatever was broken. That is a relationship. And that sometimes the consequences
of having so many choices is that you never get that chance to build a foundation
of love as your heart is always in transit to the next piece.
But marriage is a strong commitment that two people can make
to each other. And I’m aware that a piece of paper doesn’t mean you’ll have
eternal bliss or you won’t end up in divorce court, but for me it says that I’m
ready to make this next step in this relationship despite knowing what I’m
fully walking into.
And not to be a martyr but maybe by seeing a gay black man
in a relationship, it can be seen as something that others can do. That it can
actually be done. Maybe in a weird way the modeling of blacks in relationships
won’t seem like a myth and perhaps, just perhaps it can go back to my
resistance and have an impact on the HIV rate as gay men are giving themselves
to only that special one. Or maybe I’m drinking too much of the Kool-Aid.
So on the Memorial holiday of May 1st I popped
the question. I had made my choice. A choice made from the heart. Made from
knowing what was right. And made from one thing that has sustain us all these
years, love. A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man
cannot live without love.
So now when someone asks me as a gay black man what is my opinion
on same sex marriage and whether I support it? I’ll simply say to them.
I do.
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