Sunday, June 17, 2012

A Letter to A Father I Never Met-Repost

Dear Dad or Father or the person who donated his sperm,
I'm writing to say that I wished I had a chance to meet you as I've always wondered about the other half of me. I'm sorry i missed out on the memories we would have had I'm being positive when I say that they would have been good ones. As a child when I saw men shoes I wondered how you would look walking in them. Maybe me with you walking hand in hand.
I want you to know that I turned out okay despite your absence. Ma had to take up the space you left behind and it wasn't always perfect but she did the best that she could with what she had. I've done a lot of good myself since I've been on my own. I think you would have been proud of me.
I wished i knew your name. I've asked ma but she gives me a different name each time I ask. maybe something happened between you both. But it's not my place to ask.
I do look in the mirror and wonder if we look the same. As you can tell I have a shaved head as my hair started to recede when I was young. Did the same thing happened to you? But people say it looks good on me so I guess it's cool.
I hope you know I'm not mad at you or at least I'm not mad at you anymore. To do so would take up space that is reserved for love and at this point in my life love is all I want to share.  When I was young. I would hear jokes about black fathers having babies and leaving and I knew it was true because it happened to me. I guess raising a child is scary or there were other reasons you left. The saddest I felt is whether you knew it or not my other siblings had a different father. Fathers that they could call or go visit. I was the only one who couldn't do that. I remember as a child they gathered around me and started to tell me how i didn't have a father. It hurt but I didn't let them see. I cried when they went away. So I guess that was one of the times i was mad you weren’t there.
But I'll have you to now that I've grown stronger since then and the tears have stopped falling. Why do black men leave? It's a question I've asked myself as I'm not the only one who has grown up without a father.
But I want you to know that I’ve climbed some mountains I thought were too high to climb. I got my advanced degree and have a great opportunity to put my words in places for others to see.
I want to even go as far as to say I made a difference.  I may have stopped looking for you but I haven’t stop looking for the good in me that I can give to others.
Whatever your reason for leaving just know that if I have a child I'll always be there and I'll always show him love. I didn't say that to make you feel guilty but to let you know I learned something from your absence.
Sorry for the typo's but i just wanted to write something from my heart and like life realize not everything is perfect. But thank you for bringing me into this world and the gift of life you gave me I'm going to give it to others whether through my words actions or my essence.
So think of me and when you do feel I hope you feel proud knowing the part of you that you gave to make me has sprouted up and stands tall as a strong black man.
Well ending my letter but not my love
Your son

No comments: