I Want Your Sex....Not

          As a person who always went to the gym on a regular basis, every so often I would get a flattering remark on how I looked. It was nice to know the workouts were paying off but getting compliments wasn’t my primary reason for going. As someone who occasionally had issues with anxiety, going to the gym was a great way for me to relax and find my center. I could always tell when I missed too many days at the gym as the feelings of having too much to do and little time to do it would wash over me.

            I want to say that my muscle gain came all from my heavy exercising but there’s also a little bit of help that I get that I don’t readily let people know. My little secret called Testosterone comes in a small vial and involves a bi-weekly injection and is part of my regular regime of staying healthy. Some may ask how is having muscles helping with health but the truth is Testosterone for me was not for vanity but to restore a natural hormone that my body stopped producing.

            I discovered this during a time when my energy was flatline. It seemed like to do anything took effort. Initially I thought perhaps it was depression based on the mood I was exhibiting. But unlike feelings of depression I wasn’t sad or felt down. I just didn’t want to do anything that involved using my strength. I would go to the gym and where once I would be rejuvenated I now had the feeling of ‘why am I lifting this weight up and down?’ Another thing was that my sex drive was doing 5 in a 55 mile per hour lane. When it came to sex I just didn’t have any desire for it. And this was when I was in my thirties, still in my peak. Were my glory years coming before I was ready for it? What was going on? And add to that my growing irritability and I become a person that I didn’t even want to be around.   

            It was during one of my regular scheduled appointments when I was checking in and telling the doctor how I felt that he decided to test my testosterone levels. At the time I didn’t know too much about testosterone. I just knew that it put hair on your chest and bass in your voice. I was never good in biology. He assured me it was much more than that and it was important to check it. So after drawing blood and getting back the results I was told it was way below average. Oh crap I guess not going to the gym was now coming back to bite me. But in fact that was not the case as the gym didn’t have anything to do with it.

            The truth was that diminished levels of testosterone are common in HIV+ men. The incidence of low testosterone increases in men who have lived long-term with HIV. To compound the problem, it's normal for the body to slow production of testosterone after the age of 40 regardless of HIV status. As I was officially a long termer it made sense that what I was experiencing was associated with my levels.

            So even though 40 is the benchmark, when it came to HIV you could be much younger and not be aware that your body has slowed down the testosterone factory line. It’s even harder to know as there’s no physical fuel gauge that you can let you know you that you’re running on a quarter tank.  

            I was offered several ways of replacing my levels- either by an injection, a patch or gel. Since the shot meant I would have to visit the doctor every two weeks I went with the easy solution; the gel. It was no doubt easy but I always felt like nothing was changing. Plus I didn’t like it leaving a mess on my clothes. Yes I’m fussy like that. The patch was also a no go as it seemed to have nil effect and there was the embarrassment of having this thing clung to your leg as your changing into your workout clothes in the gym locker room. So the shots were the best solution. But it was good to know there was more than one option and just because one thing may not work there may be another route.

            Anyone getting treated for low testosterone will use a different technique but one thing that may be similar is what I call the roller coaster effect. When you initially get the shot you get this energy boost as if you could lift the world. After getting my shot I knew what Popeye felt like when he slammed down that can of spinach to protect Olive Oil. But then that feeling slowly subsides and you get back to your regular self. By that I mean the life I had before where I was energetic and frisky, it all came back from the darkness. I was truly myself again.

            With the doctors help I now administer the shots myself. And I’m glad that I shared with my doctor as I thought I was going crazy. Like I said in the beginning yeah there are some benefits if you work out regularly but after managing this disease for so many years I’m not going to knock any benefits I can get from it. Here’s to a better and fitter me.     

Positive Plus Positive

         I recently had a discussion with a friend who like me was HIV positive. He was excited as he recently met someone new and unlike his past several relationships he felt that this was going to be the one. Despite the fact they had only been dating for two months, for him wedding bells were ringing and he was ready to give himself fully to this person. Despite how I felt he was rushing things and knowing how hard it is to find someone in this crazy world, I had nothing but good wishes. My friend was always one to divulge too much information so I wasn't prepared when he shared how they were choosing to not use protection. He then shared that his new boyfriend was also HIV. So putting the two positives together, he felt was no need to worry and also no need for any type of protection.  

            It was important for me to not come at his relationship with any type of judgement or to put my own baggage at his feet. Mostly because I understood where he was coming from as I once had the same belief that once you were diagnosed HIV positive you no longer had to be safe. The reason I felt that way is because everyone’s opinion on this topic seemed to differ. Some will tell you as long as you’re both undetectable then it should be okay. Others gave good points on why it wasn’t a good idea and even more came with dialogue on why it was okay.

            It was hard to talk to him based on the various beliefs and theories on the science of whether two positive people should forgo using condoms during intercourse. Before I go any further I’m going to state a disclaimer and say that the following is just my own belief and also maybe a little bit of Googling on the internet, but in no way what I write is the definite answer. 

            Myself I advocate that two people who are HIV positive practice safe sex. In a way it eases any fear you may have of getting re-infected. Like I stated before I didn’t readily know this information so some of my earlier encounters was filled with fear and what ifs instead of enjoyment. With no clear answer I decided it wasn’t worth taking the chance. My body was having enough time holding my own virus at bay and now I was going to open the door and make room for more. Homey don’t play that!

            The reason I advocate for protection between two HIV positive persons is for the following reasons. The danger of being re-infected I felt was very much real. At the same time it didn’t meant I avoided those who were positive. I surely didn’t want to join the chorus of those who reject people based on their status, but choosing to protect yourself is more along the line of being smart. My motto was, ‘you can protect and not reject’.

            Knowing the virus comes in different strains should be one motivator. For instance my HIV virus may be different from your virus and by sharing body fluids, before you know it my virus which I called Clark Kent now has a cape and now I have a Super Infection as it flies away in my system doing damage. The chances of being re-infected are also real when you’re taking medication. For example, I am being treated for HIV and my medications are working well. Then I have unprotected sex with another person living with HIV and get re-infected with their strain, one that is resistant to most medications. Over time, that new strain will flourish in my body, rendering my once successful treatment useless. Eventually my viral load skyrockets and my immune system pay the price. 

                The second thing to take in consideration, especially for my friend who had just met his new boyfriend and even though he’s know him for two months, although HIV is the dominant reasoning, you also have to take into consideration that it’s not the only guest at the party. There’s other STD’s that have to be taken into consideration and although some may be treatable, is it worth it especially knowing you can prevent it? Especially in this environment when other STD’s such as syphilis and gonorrhea are on the rise and gonorrhea is becoming resistant to medications.

            The good news is that you can have a great sexual relationship with another positive person and still be safe. My last relationship was a great one as he was also positive and in that relationship we supported each others health and that included our sexual health. Just because we entered a relationship didn’t mean we had to discard our education on safe safe.  If anything it was more exciting as we learned and explored new ways to be intimate with each other. We sometimes buy into the belief that safe sex is boring or it’s like eating a saltine. It may start out as a saltine but so much more can be placed on it that makes it exciting, reinvigorating and a wonderful experience.