My Soul Says Yes

I know that the reason I have been so fortunate to be a long term survivor of HIV is the beliefs I carry, beliefs of positive thinking. With all the crap I've been through, whether it was from a person, situation or event, it was all for a good reason. Even the bad relationships I have had, they have happened so when a good relationship comes along I not only know what a good relationship looks like but also learn to appreciate it.
Rather than compare my trials and tribulations to others to see who has had it worse, as we all have had different experiences, I do know that for me positive thinking is something you can't think about but it takes work to get in that frame of mind. It's first realizing that when we're born we all were born with wings to fly but situations come along and each thing you go through, a feather is dropped from your wings until you no longer feel you can fly. You're grounded.
I was like that for a long time when I was young. After the physical and verbal abuse I went through in my young years I always felt my feet was cemented to a ground of despair.
But inside where no one could blow out that small ember of hope I carried, a small flame that told me not not give up or give in,  I just knew that I was more than what I thought I was worth. The greatest person who got me through my trials was God. Although I never went to any church and feel that although churches are beautiful buildings, your relationship with God can be anywhere you want it to be. He gave me the strength to keep on fighting and to treat my failures not as negatives but acknowledgment that I at least attempted.
I give myself daily affirmations. This is important to me because in this crazy, sometimes cold world, you have to have a daily affirmation of encouragement to get you through. One of the best books I can recommend is written by Iyanla VanZant called, "Acts of Faith". It's a book that gives you daily affirmations of positive thinking and letting go of oppression and depression as well as the luggage we tend to pile up and carry with us.
And luggage is something we all have.Gay or straight.
Some have a knapsack and some have so much luggage that they have to rent out extra storage space. When you have that much luggage and you're trying to make a new relationship and it doesn't work, try looking at the luggage you brought in with you and also realize that the person you may be trying to meet also has their own luggage and simply have no room for anymore. In other words if it doesn't work out it's not always about you.
We have to learn to let our luggage go. To live a positive life you have to start unpacking and throwing away stuff. Throw away the hurtful things that were said to you.Sometimes we're so angry at what someone said to us years ago and you're still waiting for that apology. Let it go.Throw away the people who you called a friend and now treat you like a stranger. Throw away the anger because someone isn't the way you want them to be or act the way you want them to act. Unclutter your heart so you don't miss the good people who are out there waiting to get to know you. We have to tell ourselves that no longer will I live in the basement but live in the penthouse where I belong.
But again I stress this a daily practice and not something you can do for a minute and when things are good you stop. Even if you have a relationship with God, you don't just speak to him when things are bad but also he wants to hear from you when things are good.
I have been hurt and I can guarantee you before I leave this earth I will be hurt again and again and again. But I won't let that hurt stop me from flying. You have to put things in perspective. I have been positive for twenty something years but I know that somewhere out there someone has it worse than me. And I accept the fact that everything happens for a reason, nothing in your life is unscripted.
You hate your job, someone else can't find a job.
You hate the snow, someone else wish they can see what snow looks like
You hate taking your HIV meds, someone else wish they had and not be stuck in a hospital bed or casket.
My soul says yes and I know that I'm nowhere close to a wonderful fulfilled life as there are other adventures out there waiting for me and I'm not the only one. But you'll miss them if you're not taking the risk to open your heart to receive them.
So stay positive and fly!!